A Daily Prayer from the Lab

(sigh)

2009-11-10T09:51:00.005-06:00

Another Update: Have an appointment with dr. tomorrow. Gonna talk about a rx change. I don't think adjusting the dose is working so well.

Update: Spoke with co-worker. Feel worse than ever. Sometimes I really really don't like myself. Going to go see psychiatrist tomorrow. Maybe a medication change will help.

Sometimes I wonder, are friends really worth the effort? Is it worth the fights and frustrations and misunderstandings? By the time I get over whatever made me mad, and I wasn't just frustrated I was pissed off, then the other person is pissed off because I was pissed off. Now I wait for the other person to stop being pissed off, I apologize and then we move on.

Is this what marriage is like? because if it is, then I think I'll just stay single and adopt a couple of kids.

I've come to realize that my short fuse is because I haven't had a significant break from work in close to a year. I took off work in April for my grandma's funeral, but that wasn't anywhere close to a vacation. So I have tried hard not to take my frustration out on my friends, but I haven't always succeeded. In fact, in recent weeks I have outright failed.

I am taking the week of Thanksgiving off and the week between Christmas and New Years and the week in January for the cruise. By February I should be good to go for several more months.

Now, I also realize that this puts some of my coworkers in a bind, because they will have to pick up the slack when I'm not here, and that sucks so they (she) might be frustrated with me for taking the time, and that makes me feel a little guilty. But they (she) can tell Dr. C that they need a break, too, and schedule around the time I'm still there.

A bit of a catch22 all around.

Oh well. Anyway, 1 week in November, 1 week in December and 1 week in January.

YAY VACATION FOR SANITY!!!

I thought I was being all slick...

2009-11-04T21:01:00.003-06:00

Ok, so I have allergies. Not so bad as to disrupt my life, but a pain in the butt all the same.

I used to take claritin. worked great. Then they came out with Clarinex! That worked even BETTER! I never had stuffy runny nose or sinus headache, it just went away! Then, the terrible day came. Claritin went OTC. The idiot doctor I had thought that this also meant that Clarinex would go OTC, also. Apparently, it didn't.

I've been using Zyrtec for awhile. It works OK. I sometimes have to take a pseudofed or nasal rinse, but overall it works ok.

Zyrtec has stopped working so well, so I went with OTC Claritin. Wow, it worked pretty well! My overall stuffiness was markedly decreased. So I went to the pharmacist and asked them if the Clarinex was available, too. They said, No! Clarinex was NEVER OTC! WHAT???

So, being all slick, I called my PCP and asked her to fax in a prescription for Clarinex. She Agreed! YeAH! Effective Allergy relief for the first time in several years!

Then I got my bill from Medco, the mail order prescription place. $90 for a 3 month supply of clarinex. I can buy a 90 day supply of generic zyrtec for $35, and 3 monhts of the generic Flonase for $20.

Damn. That was short-lived joy. I get 3 months of Effective Allergy relief. Then, back to the 'It will have to do' plan.

It could have been sooooo much worse

2009-11-01T22:00:00.003-06:00

I got home too late on saturday to have The Talk with mom and dad. So I went with my bro and sil and niece and we trick-or-treated! A friend of my brother's lives in a nice little subdivision that is mostly circular, so some of the adults (me included) herded 7 or 8 kids around the neighborhood. Emma was shy the first couple of houses, but by the end she was leading the charges up the drive ways. She had a blast! Then we stopped and saw grandpa and grandma and hugs and kisses and visited a few more houses in my home town. By the last house, Emma says, "Do we have to go trick-or-treat again?" We took that as a sign to go home. I had promised my niece that I'd sleep with her, so I slept with her last night. She rolled and kicked and moved and talked and groaned and cried once or twice, ALL NIGHT LONG. I'm freaking Tired!

So, the timing worked well, Bro and SIL came over and we all sat down, I started with a prayer (Remember we are a family and we love each other and help us to use soft words and have open hearts). There was cursory annoyance and irritation, but once that was past, I think Dad was relieved that something is being done. He agreed that he wasn't doing such a good job cleaning, and that he had planned on paying my SIL's mother to do it, but we agreed that a professional would be better, and she could come once a week for 2 or 3 months, and then we'll address the issue again. I made a leap of faith and had a lady from a nearby town come give us an estimate to clean the house. She said $175 for the whole house, that's oiling all of the woodwork, moving furniture and cleaning under it, the whole 9 yards.

We repeated the whole thing with mom's health, and that we think she needs a home-health care nurse once a week, maybe more. He agreed to tell the doctor that they need a prescription and we'll go from there. At least the idea is on the table, and that's more than a step, that's a freaking LEAP in the right direction.

Thank you God, for the right words. Thank you for all of your blessings, for the blessing of good parents, and good children. Thank you for my brother, in spite of all of his faults, he loves mom and dad and looks out for the best for them. Amen.

Here's another depressing-ass family post

2009-10-30T23:38:00.004-05:00

It has become apparent lately that my parents are not taking care of themselves very well anymore. Dad has let the house get way past dirty and is venturing into unhealthy.

My mom isn't taking good care of her personal hygiene, she doesn't always remember deodorant and while she washes, it must be a cursory wash, not a good scrubbing. She has a sore on her neck where the trach collar is rubbing a sore spot.

I must go home tomorrow with my aggressive, undiagnosed Bi-polar brother and his wife and we all, mom dad, bro, sil and me, have to sit down and talk about this.

Yeah, that's going to go so well. Dad, you can't clean the house, we're going to bring strangers into the house to clean it. Mom, you aren't taking care of yourself good enough, dad isn't noticing, we're going to bring strangers into the house to help bathe you.

Shit. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I want to wake up in the morning and have it all be ok. it's not supposed to be like this. I shouldn't be having to do this when they're only 60. I'm only 34, this is shit that's supposed to happen when I'm in my 40's. I'm not equipped to handle this right now. How do I walk in and start to tear my family apart?

I keep falling apart. I don't know how I'll even manage the drive. I don't know how to do this. How do I do this??

Dear God, give me the words because I don't have ANY IDEA how the hell do to this.

Lumbar Puncture

2009-10-29T21:27:00.002-05:00

So, the Lumbar Puncture went ok. I didn't realize it was just a spinal block in reverse.

Ok, that's a stupid comment on my end. It isn't JUST a spinal block. It's still something that sucks being done.

They numbed her with a couple of shots which, judging my mom's expression, HURT. Probably didn't hurt as bad as the spinal tap itself would have, but still. They numbed 1 spot, they couldn't get to the correct spot to fluid, so she had to numb 1 vertebrae higher. Mom was a trooper. I'd have been crying, but she didn't. But then, she didn't realize what they were doing today until she asked why we were in the Brain and Spine clinic. So she didn't have a bunch of time to dwell on it, either.

All in all, it was an ok day. For as bad as it could have been, it wasn't. And I'll take that today.

Large Cancer Hospital

2009-10-26T19:30:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure if I've posted this before, but I've thought it. So if you've already read this, my apologies. Apparently it strikes a chord every time I go with the folks to the LCH.

I was with mom and dad at the Large Cancer Hospital this morning. Mom needed an MRI of her spine and she shakes so much they had to sedate her. This is a separate unit from the regular MRI unit. Because it was a sedated unit, there were people of all ages. The youngest was under 10, the oldest possibly in her 80's. But that was hard to tell, mom looks about mid 70's, and she's just now 61. There was a young girl, maybe 7 or 8, bald as can be. When she went in, her mom pulled a blanket over her head and took a nap. No telling how hard her life is, how many hours has she spent curled up in a waiting room chair trying to sleep for a few minutes. There was a young woman, her shirt said 'Senior's 2010'. She was on crutches, but I wasn't in a position to see why she was on crutches.

While the MRI was going (it took 2 hours) dad and I went down for breakfast. It struck me, as it always does, that cancer has no boundaries. Not age, sex, finances, weight, education, race, religion and any other distinction you could come up with. At the cafeteria it's sometimes hard to see who the patient is. My dad isn't a patient anymore, but he looks like he could be. In the hallways it's a little easier, patients are often the ones in the wheelchairs.

My mom has a Lumbar Puncture (aka spinal tap) on thursday. I'm more worried and scared than I think mom is. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go in with mom. I wouldn't want to do that without someone holding my hand. I know they used to not give anesthesia for that procedure, and I don't know what to expect. And then I think about how crappy this is that it's my mom going through it. And then I think that it doesn't matter who it is, it's just crappy that ANYONE has to go through this. I'm normally sort of resigned when I think about my getting cancer. The genetics are definitely against me, it remains to be seen what kind of cancer I'll get first. But once in awhile it really hits me, and I get scared witless.

It was raining when we were done, so mom and I waited at a door and dad took the bus to the car, then came back to get us. While we were waiting a guy with a throat speaker, the thing they use when the vocal chords are destroyed, usually throat or lung cancer, was being wheeled out by a transportation person. He told her, 'You have to take me somewhere I can get a cab'. And I thought how REALLY crappy it was that he had to take a cab home from the cancer hospital.

I told mom that It was both reassuring and terrifying that if I ever get cancer dad will take care of me, whether or not I want him to. She laughed. She also told me it was easy as long as she was so tired. She didn't care, so she let him do what he wanted. I told her I couldn't wait for her to have enough energy to fight with dad, because after several years of dad doing what he wanted, when he wanted it and how he wanted it, they would have some HELLA good fights. She laughed again. I hope I can laugh when I'm in her shoes.

Dear God, Please give me the peace and strength to handle what you put in front of me. Thursday will need a great deal of each, I think. Amen.

a peaceful post

2009-10-21T18:26:00.003-05:00

So it turns out last week when we were both so pissy, my friend mlk and I were both pms-y, in addition to being overworked and WAY TOO TIRED. She's not on birth control, and I recently got off the pill (because I didn't think sex once every 4 or 5 months really warranted a pill every single day), so apparently we're cycling together. That should make the middle of the month pretty interesting for awhile.

I had some friends over to my house friday night. It was fun, we watched Shaun of the Dead. With the 2 1/2 year old with us. It has become apparent that we must now begin to watch a little more kid-friendly movies. We can probably still get away with PG13 until she's a couple of years older. Don't know what we'll do then.

But, I cleaned my house, and I mean I CLEANED my house last friday. It's staying clean, too. It's very nice. I like it when my house is clean. It's peaceful for me to walk into a clean and not cluttery house. I feel a little more at peace with my world now that my house is presentable again. I may do it again this weekend, too. Maybe saturday this time? You just never know...

I'm sitting here listening to my grandmother clock tick (like a grandfather clock, but smaller). The clock works, but the striker doesn't hit the bell, so it doesn't ring like it should. It will cost me a bit of money to have that fixed, so it will just have to be this way for awhile. But it's reassuring to listen to it tick and tock. Plus I get to wind it every sunday. I like doing that. It takes me less than minutes, but I like the habit of it. There's a sense of being connected with previous generations who had to wind their clocks every week, too.

I think that's it for the night. I just wanted to put something positive on this page, it's been full of negative and unhappy lately. I'm trying to be a little more positive, a little more 'glass half full' than 'glass half empty'.

YAY! A Trivia friday!

2009-10-18T19:30:00.005-05:00

It's time for WTF Friday Trivia

Three diseases (besides influenza) that killed a lot of people at one time: Smallpox, plague, measles

Three over-the-counter medicines that once required a prescription: zyrtec, claritin, yeast infection cream?

Three vaccinations that many people receive as kids: measles, mumps, rubella (german measles)

Three non-medicinal treatments for flu-like symptoms: chicken soup, mentholatum, nasal sinus rinse.

Three generic symptoms of no particular illness at all: low-grade fever, chills, nausea

Three antibiotics (brand name or chemical name OK): Ampicillin, levofloxacin, tetracycline

Two diagnoses that once appeared on "House (hint: it's never lupus**): Rabies, radiation poisoning.

Standard trivia rules apply: no Google, no cheating, no calling your readers who are pharmacists and/or infectious disease researchers (HAHA! That was meant for me!!) and/or nurses for hints, etc. I'll post my answers on Monday night after 5pm. Good luck

My grandma's China hutch.

2009-10-16T11:54:00.002-05:00

I filled my grandma's china hutch yesterday. It's about half full of grandma's, and half full of mine. I stepped back from it and it made me cry. I'm going to send pictures to my mom and my mom's siblings. It fits the house so perfectly.

The design on the china is a wheat stalk with a blue-green edge. The gold wheat stalk matches the yellow walls. It looks like it was done on purpose.

Every time I looked at it last night I thought of grandma. But I smiled when I did.

A long week

2009-10-14T14:01:00.002-05:00

You ever have one of those weeks where things just don't seem to go right? You do A, you're wrong. You do B, you should have done A. You do A again, you should have done D. You go to Z, they tell you you went too far.

I can't win for losing.

And I internalize things. So if I'm wrong about A, then about B, then about D, I start to think I can't do anything right. So in an effort to stop being wrong, I stop doing anything, and that's wrong, too. Then I look back and see things that I should have been able to see, account for, or predict, and I blame myself for those things, too.

Plus, somehow I got the 8AM and 8PM (well, at this point it's 8AM and 6:30PM) antibiotic doses. I'm really tired and my brain is moving slow. I'm PMS'y which makes me a little sensitive, too.

And I keep pissing off my friend. I hate my friends being mad at me. But I hate more when they get mad at me several times over the course of several days, so that by the end they are ANGRY with me. I hate that.

Anyway. That's my week so far. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Split-Second Aging.

2009-10-05T20:19:00.004-05:00

THIS is a blog I sometimes read.

Yesterday it was an interesting concept on Split-Second Aging. The idea that sometimes, you experience a moment that makes you grow up instantly.

I have had this happen, and I didn't analyze it very much. But I've been thinking about times I have aged in a moment.

One of those moments was the first night I slept in my house. I had taken on an adult's burden and found myself excited by the prospect. But I also realized that I am tethered to this house now. No longer could I pick up and move with a month's notice. I began to think of my self not as a young woman, but as a woman. There was nothing child-like about me anymore. Not my job or my house or my responsiblities, not even my thinking.

I had another moment, when I realized that my dad wasn't listening to the doctors at Large Cancer Hospital. I realized that I had reached an age where I needed to begin to look out for and after my parents. I would have to take an pro-active roll, to listen to doctors and translate for my parents, and to listen to my parents and be an advocate for them to the doctors.

I'm sure there will be many more ahead, where in an instant I will realize that I am older, and hopefully wiser, than I had been a moment before.

Dear God, please give me the peace and wisdom to grow older gracefully. Amen.

Self-discovery

2009-10-05T16:07:00.002-05:00

So, I have learned, through a series of events today, and well, actually in the last couple of weeks, that I work well alone. Not that I like to be alone every day, but in the course of the work that I do, I work better alone. There isn't worry about meeting someone, I can modify and switch as best fits my schedule.

I am hard to work with. I don't like it, but there it is.

I can see where this comes from. I've been the primary animal person for several years now. I learned how to do what I needed to do and I did it. I learned how to do procedures and doses and applications, and for the most part, anything done after 6pm I did myself. There were exceptions, of course. Some of the REALLY BIG experiments everyone had to come in and help, but just the normal antibiotic dosing and such was me.

So now that I'm having to work with my friend (and now co-0worker) it's been hard. I don't always share what's going on in my mind, because I haven't done so for 4 years. I expect her to work the way that I do, and she doesn't. She WAY doesn't. We are often 180 degrees from each other.

Dear God, give us all a little peace. Amen.

Take Care of your Family

2009-10-03T16:58:00.004-05:00

I have a friend, and in the last 2 months he has lost both his father and his step-father.

He didn't get along with his biological dad, though in the last couple of years they had made peace and had least a cordial relationship. When his dad passed away, he had no savings and no life insurance. His grandfather had to step up and pay for the funeral, because there was NO money. His step-mom will have to sell the house, because she can't afford the mortgage.

When his step-dad (whom he was very close to) passed away, he didn't have life insurance, either. His mom will have to take a loan to pay for his funeral. She has a job, but will have to work for many more years just to have an income.

Even I have life insurance. I don't have a husband or kids, but there is money in place to pay for a funeral, and whatever costs that might come attached to that. My bank accounts and house have been deeded to my brother, so that if the situation arises there is no question as to who the money and estate will go to.

You carry life insurance to take care of you family. You don't carry it for you, you carry it for your family. That's one of the things you try to make money for. You can get term insurance for just a little bit each month.

These 2 families are devasted, they don't even have money to pay for funeral costs. And the cost to my friend is much more. Not only the grief that comes with the loss of his father and step-father, he has the added worry of his almost bankrupt mother and step-mother who has to sell her home.

Dear God, help these 2 families, and help my friend. Show them a way to be able to support themselves, and a way for my friend to find peace in this situation. Amen.

Top Ten Thursday

2009-10-01T13:58:00.004-05:00

This is hard, as it is hard to pick on 10 things that make me happy, and to try to define the TOP 10 things that make me happy. But I'll try.

The Top 10 things that make me happy:

1. The many small children in my life. It's so fun to hang out with them and play with them and watch them grow. It continually amazes me.

2. My friends, from 78 to 23, from newly made to knowing more than half my life, I have a large range of friends and I love them all.

3. My car. I love my car.

4. My house. I love my house

5. On most days, my job

6. Facebook, and especially Vampire Wars. I don't know why this amuses me as much as it does, but I really like it.

7. The way my muscles are sore after working out hard at the gym

8. Going shopping and getting a REALLY good deal on something I really wanted.

9. Walking into my house after it's all clean and neat.

10. Baking good sweet treats and then eating them! Yay for Christmas Cookies!!

I don't have a good title for this. I was shooting for something meaningful, then for something funny, but I'll settle for this long rambling one

2009-09-29T16:49:00.004-05:00

This past friday I hooked up with one of my 'special friends'

He was in town to talk to some work contact, so he came in Friday night and we spent the evening together and he did his work stuff on saturday.

It was very nice. We had a nice dinner and drinks in a little dive on the west side of the Large City I live near. He had a nice hotel room. We had some really awesome sex. He did some work on his computer while I enjoyed cable tv. I had someone to sleep next too, I love sleeping with someone warm and cuddly. We woke up and had sex again. We took showers, kissed goodbye, and drove off to our respective destinations. When he's in town again one of these days, he'll let me know and we'll do it again.

This is all that this relationship will ever be. It will never progress beyond this. I made my peace with that a long time ago. I have made contact several times through the years. I didn't have to do that. He has made contact with me several times through the years. I didn't have to return his calls. I could have allowed it to die a natural death.

I've been thinking since friday why I continue with this. I feel genuine affection for this man, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. He's funny and smart and I think he's sexy, though I know others will disagree with me. He always treats me with respect and is never rude or insulting. I've figured out that what he brings is an intimacy. We've known each other a lot of years, and while I don't even pretend to know his life, and he mine, we still have a connection that was forged and refined over many years.

But while I was driving to meet him, and most of the weekend after, I kept thinking that while it was nice to have that bit of affection and close contact, I really wanted more. I want that, but I want much more than that. I want someone who is like that all the time.

I want a boyfriend. Someone to watch crappy movies with, go out and eat with, hang out with and hang out with friends with. Someone to curl up with at night. I want that intimacy, to know someone so well that you don't have to 'do' anything, that just being together is enough.

One of these days I'll find a serious relationship. When that happens, what we had will die. I might occasionally text or email him and see how his life is going, but the intimate connection will be broken. I'll be sort of sorry that day. It amazes me now, thinking of it, that I will be sad to let go of that part of my life, of that small interaction. He is a link to a younger me, a more innocent me. A person I will never be again.

He is the last remaining vestige of the young woman that I was. I will miss him when he's gone, because he will take a piece of me with him. I hope he feels the same way. Not with regret because of what won't be, but with affection of what was.

Very short rant

2009-09-28T10:56:00.001-05:00

I'm really tired of the quote:

" You may be only one person in the world, but you may be the world to one person. "

It was nice when I heard the song. It was ok the first 300 time I heard/read it. Now, it annoys me.

Dear Compulsive Email Forwarders: Get a new quote!! Sincerely, SMurF.

I'm back.

2009-09-27T15:56:00.003-05:00

So.

I have gotten out of the habit of blogging. And it is a habit, paying attention to what is happening on a daily basis and thinking about what to write about and how to write. For me, this is an exercise that I take a bit of pleasure in. Finding the right words to say what I want to say and how to make feelings and ideas and visual things come to life on a blank page. or white computer screen. whichever.

This morning my brand-new Godson was baptized. (side: [in a baby voice] he's so cute!!) And as such events can be, they are fraught with family drama. His Family vs. Her Family. In-laws, extended family, and small children. All of which can be prone to over-reactions and melt downs.

However, I am reminded once again to look around very carefully before you say something you might not want to be overheard saying.

It was innocuous enough a comment, but since I know some of the back story, it was rather catty and a little uncalled for. And since I am one of the mom's best friends and the baby's baptismal sponsor and it was a rather small room, the smart and politically correct thing to do would have been to LOOK AROUND and see who else was close by. Also, you need to be very sure of the person you are talking to. Just because someone is nice to you and is laughing with you does not mean that they are on your side. After all, you keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

Friends reading blogs.

2009-09-16T17:59:00.003-05:00

My very good friend MLK reads this blog.

I made a post awhile back and while the content was right, the application was too passive-aggressive. It involved MLK.

And she will undoubtedly get upset that I'm writing this rather than just saying it.

But I'm much better on paper. I have the chance to think thoughts through, to choose the best words to project what I'm trying to say and do it without the emotion that usually gets in the way verbally.

Awhile back, MLK finally had it with her psycho boss and through a series of events ended up in my lab. So far the friendship has held up, despite being quite different in our approach to research.

We sometimes have a hard time working together. She was in a lab alone for 3 years, and it's been a bit of a transition for her. And apparently, I'm not used to working with the same person all day. Prior to MLK working in our lab, I worked with 1 person (obnoxious grad student, who is, btw, GONE from campus!!! yeah!) for the animal stuff, another person with the experiment stuff, and by myself for the admin stuff I do. I'm not used to having to explain or justify why I do things, and I'm not used to having to take other people's opinions into account. Previously, when I did the animal stuff, I did it, and others helped me. But I did the planning, the writing, the documenting and the data analysis. I had help challenging and checking animals. And no one really wanted or cared to help me with the other stuff. Which, it turns out, was FINE with me.

So sometimes I'm thinking something and I forget to include MLK in my thinking. Sometimes I feel like an idea is wrong, but I can't with any logic explain why. Often the logic behind it will come to me several days later, but by then it is too late.

Sometimes MLK and I aren't on the same clock. She moves slower than I do. Sometimes MUCH slower than I do. Most days I just take a breath, smile, and move on. Some days, though, I just want to scream MMMOOOOOVVVVEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! At that point I stop, take 2 or 3 deep breaths, and then smile and move on.

I haven't been blogging because some of the things I need to blog about include MLK. And I know she reads my blog.

So this is where I am.

Do I continue to (can't find the right word...not edit, but.....?? starts with con...??) edit myself? Or do I press through?

My first thought is that this is my blog, this is my voice. Good or bad, right or wrong, nice or not, this is my voice. I try to make this place true to my voice, that what I present here is who I am.

MLK, you're one of my best friends. We have to work this out, because I miss writing in my blog.

Dear God, give me the right words. Amen.

Envy, regret and age

2009-09-15T21:32:00.005-05:00

Last night at my gym class there was a mother/daughter combo who have started coming.

The mother is close to my age, maybe a little older. Out of shape, but not overweight. Well, not obviously so.

The daughter is mid teens. She wasn't wearing a bra. And she didn't need one. She had a little tiny waist. Not much coordination.

I remember when I didn't need a bra. I could wear a size 0 jean. I don't envy her youth. I don't envy the hard lessons she has yet to learn. I don't envy the broken hearts she hasn't had yet. I do envy the lack of bra and tiny waist. I envy the cute tops she can still pull off. I envy the realization that her entire life is before her, and she can choose whichever path she wants.

I regret the extra 40 pounds, but not the years it has taken me to get them. I regret some of the choices I've made, but I don't regret the big ones. And I still say that I when I get old, I want to regret the chances I've taken, not the ones I was scared to.

But I REALLY envy the being able to not wear a bra. I REALLY REALLY envy that.

My dad

2009-09-05T14:29:00.005-05:00

I've realized something today.

My dad coming to help me paint my bedroom has less to do than me and more to do with him.

He's bored, and he's not doing this for me, he's doing this for him. Coming to help me he has to travel with mom and all of mom's medicine and equipment. He has to worry about mom. He has to mix and paint and clean and think and paint some more.

I'm sure he doesn't realize this, I can tell by the way he acts, in his mind he's saving his poor single daughter. He's taking care of me. And I guess I'm a good enough daughter that I'm willing to let him.

Dear God, help me remember that often life isn't about me. It's more often than not about my friends and family and how we take care of each other. Give me the insight to tell the difference, and the grace to do what's best. Amen.

2 new websites

2009-09-02T15:24:00.003-05:00

Ok, I found 2 new websites that had me rolling on the floor.

check out

I had to post this: Lies parents tell

And

People of Walmart

Both made me laugh out loud, and the world can always use more laughter.

help

2009-09-02T14:00:00.005-05:00

Upon reading the last couple of posts, my blog has taken a decidedly depressing and whiny tone.

I apologize for that.

My dad is coming on saturday to help me finish the paint in my bedroom.

He was going to come help me thursday. I said, 'Well, I have to work, so if you do that, you'll have to do it alone. How about Saturday?'

Oh! Well, I guess we could do that!

...

Dad, see there's this thing called a job

Seriously, once you retire do you think everyone else in your world has retired? It wasn't that long ago that both of my parents worked full time jobs.

Anyway, my bedroom will be painted by sunday. I'm ready.

I don't understand

2009-08-31T18:04:00.002-05:00

I hate dating. with every particle of my heart and soul, I hate dating. It sucks the joy, the enthusiasm, the kindness, the affection, all of the good parts of you out through your eyes and leaves a cold hard bitter angry hurtful thing in it's wake.

I'm at a loss.

I'm not bad looking. I'm not mean. I'm not greedy or manipulative. I don't smoke. I'm pretty easy going. I'll watch baseball and football and crappy westerns. I'm not much for basketball, though. I have a job. I'm smart. I'm funny. I generally have a good disposition. I'm not overly clingy. I'm not jealous. I'm not baby-crazy.

I don't understand.

This weekend

2009-08-30T21:58:00.004-05:00

I sit here tonight thinking about the weekend. This isn't a very exciting post. Or very deep. or insightful. or even introspective. It's just an accounting of my weekend.

Friday night some friends and I gathered at another friends house. We ate a great meal and then we were going to watch a movie. We ended up just talking for several hours. Which was just as nice, and IMHO, was even better than a movie, anyway.

Saturday I went to an LWML meeting, where I am reminded that I get 1 year off and then I promised that I would take over the roll of President for our Zone. What was I thinking??? Why did I promise such a thing??? I guess God will give me the strength and words I need to handle this task, since I opened my stupid mouth and agreed.

Saturday I prepped my bedroom to be painted. Then I figured out that I first must seal the wallpaper. Then I realized that I have to do something about the trim at the top of the wall. So, tomorrow I will take a razor and remove the parts that are coming loose, apply sheetrock mud to it, sand it a little, and paint it. I'm not sure what I'll do if it doesn't work. I guess I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. Then I sat and watched my crappy old british sit-coms on PBS. A good night.

Today I went to church and there was a pot-luck that I had completely forgotten about. I wasn't going to stay, but there really was enough food, so I stayed and had a little to eat.

Then, the clown. Karen was and always is a gracious friend. I strive to be like her in this way. We had a nice time, and I agreed to try to start clowning again in the fall. They picked up potentially 53 new clowns at the Welcome New Medical Students! event. I told her that I would try to come of the events.

My balloon animals aren't the best. It's been a long time since I tried to make any. My makeup also left a little to be desired, as I hadn't done any clown makeup in a couple of years. But even with that, the kids LOVED us. There were only 6 or 7 kids, but we made probably 30-ish balloons, some of which went to the adults, too. We were there for about 45 minutes and the kids began to go do other things, so it worked well. We were ready to leave by then, too. It was hot out there in long-sleeved clown outfits! The Hostess wanted to give us money, but I knew Karen better than that. We agreed that the Hostess should donate the money to LWML. To our Ladies Aid. Karen liked it, and so did the Hostess. Win-Win!

We went to the beach tonight. There was a coolness to the breeze. It won't be long and the air will be too cool to go out to the beach in the evening. Summer is almost over.

Friends

2009-08-27T15:20:00.003-05:00

I've been very lax about blogging lately.

I'm not sure why.

Sometimes I'm a bad friend, and I don't treat my friends right.

Example: My friend Karen and I did the coffee/lemonade/cookie rounds in the children's hospital for a couple of years, most wednesday evenings after work. It was fun. She is the driving force behind the Clown troop associated with my university. Mostly it is medical students, but there are some grad students and staff and a few faculty who are also involved. I'm not big on clowning, I did it because it meant so much to Karen, but after awhile I just stopped participating.

Karen retired, but still came in on wednesday nights and did the rounds with me. When Ike hit, it was a relief to give it up. It had become a burden, a chore. I didn't like that, but I didn't want to abandon Karen either. After Ike, we talked about it and she was relieved, too.

Occasionally she will come to my work and we'll go out to lunch. It's been less and less frequent, just my job and her schedule and life in general.

Not long ago I told her that I would call her for lunch, and then, and I can't even plead forgetfulness or anything, I just blew her off. Like, totally. And I know she knows, and she knows that I know that she knows, and we both know. And I feel bad. I shouldn't have done it. I should have taken the time and made room and gone to lunch with her.

Now, I have asked her to help me clown at a friend's kid's birthday party. This is a huge favor, she doesn't do birthdays or non-Clown events. And because she is a good friend, and probably a better friend than I am at the moment, she has agreed to help me.

I feel bad all the way around. She's helping me do this thing that she doesn't usually do, right after I totally blew her off for lunch. She will be using her supplies, balloons, stickers and bubbles, to help me do this. And I don't have much of a way to repay her kindness. I've told her that I will clown at any upcoming event she wants me to. My friend has offered to pay us for supplies, I think Karen will take it, if for nothing else than to buy more supplies.

So. Sometimes I'm a bad friend. And I hate that. There are times that I just can't stop myself from doing things that aren't very nice. Not that I do things that are destructive or harmful or dangerous, just things like blow off lunch plans with a good friend for no decent reason. This the same part of my personality that will tell people, 'Of Course, I'd be glad to help' or 'Yes, please call me and we'll go out!' and then I don't help, and I don't return the phone call. Or I will volunteer to be a president and then NOT want to do it when I get nominated.

I know this reflects badly on my character, and that I come off looking less than trustworthy, less than honorable, like a total flake. And I hate that. But I can't seem to stop.