Thursday, September 19, 2013

Show me the path, Lord.

Every night when I pray, one of the last things I pray is, 'Show me the path, Lord, and I will walk it'

When I was single, it was strength for being single. When I was first married, it was help for learning to live with someone, and learning to be a wife.

With the first miscarriage, it was, well, getting past it.

With Nathan, it's help learning to be a mom, to be a good wife AND mom, and how to separate wife and mom duties.

Now, though. I have a healthy happy baby boy.

And I've had 3 miscarriages.

So, I don't want to whine about it too much, because I know there are many many families who don't even have that.

But.

I'm not sure if it would be easier to not be able to get pregnant, or to get pregnant and lose it. The end is the same, no baby, but the source of the pain is so different. On the one hand, a fervent longing for an unrealized dream, which can be devastating, waiting for something that doesn't ever come. On the other hand, to have what you want be given to you, and then taken away, multiple times. It becomes equally devastating, because you don't know when, or if, it might be taken away again.

I'm a faithful Christian, and I believe fully that the Lord will deliver me from all evil and bad things. I believe that God doesn't punish us, that we live in a fallen and sinful world, and that bad things happen. I believe that God will get me through every tough thing I face.

The question becomes, how long do you try. How long do you wait for what doesn't come? How many times do you wait to see if it will be taken away again? How far do you go on that path, before you decide you try another path? And how do you know when enough is enough?

I have a dr appt tomorrow afternoon. I'll just have to see where we go from there.

Show me the path, Lord, and I'll walk it.

I believe, Lord, help thou my unbelief.~ Mark 9:24

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