Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Appointment, as needed.

I've been going to see a therapist for awhile. It started soon after  Nathan was born, I was, surprise surprise, having some anxiety. So my psychiatrist rather insisted that I go talk to one, so I did. It was nice, she gave me a chance to talk through some of the  life events I've had going on, including family trouble, miscarriages,  money, and more family.

I was having a bit of a hard time getting out of the house. I would pack the diaper bag and get Nathan ready, and then get anxious and not actually be able to get out of the house. It was a bit debilitating for a few months.

I was able to talk through some of the crap with my Bro and SIL, and leftover Mom stuff, and helping dad with whatever he needs help with. It was and is actually hard to go through the house, going through mom's stuff and deciding what to keep and what to give away, and what to throw away. I didn't think it would be, but some of those days were hard.

But today, I have to say that I'm mostly ok. The anxiety is under control, and mostly gone. My Bro and SIL are in a stable relationship right now. Not great, not even good, but we're in a decent holding pattern right now. my dad is doing well, I keep going to see him even though we're pretty much done with the stuff to sort through. MSJ and I are doing well, we just passed our 3rd anniversary. It was nice and easy. We skipped a meal out and took the kid to the Renaissance Festival instead (another story, that wasn't a great day!) We aren't pregnant again yet, but we're not being hard core about trying, either. I think we're both just taking the whole thing easy.

So after talking for 45 minutes, the therapist and I decided that I would call when I needed her, but I left without another appointment set. I feel good about it, and I'm optimistic about the road I'm on now.

Thank you, Lord, for a smooth path, and however long it lasts.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Show me the path, Lord.

Every night when I pray, one of the last things I pray is, 'Show me the path, Lord, and I will walk it'

When I was single, it was strength for being single. When I was first married, it was help for learning to live with someone, and learning to be a wife.

With the first miscarriage, it was, well, getting past it.

With Nathan, it's help learning to be a mom, to be a good wife AND mom, and how to separate wife and mom duties.

Now, though. I have a healthy happy baby boy.

And I've had 3 miscarriages.

So, I don't want to whine about it too much, because I know there are many many families who don't even have that.


I'm not sure if it would be easier to not be able to get pregnant, or to get pregnant and lose it. The end is the same, no baby, but the source of the pain is so different. On the one hand, a fervent longing for an unrealized dream, which can be devastating, waiting for something that doesn't ever come. On the other hand, to have what you want be given to you, and then taken away, multiple times. It becomes equally devastating, because you don't know when, or if, it might be taken away again.

I'm a faithful Christian, and I believe fully that the Lord will deliver me from all evil and bad things. I believe that God doesn't punish us, that we live in a fallen and sinful world, and that bad things happen. I believe that God will get me through every tough thing I face.

The question becomes, how long do you try. How long do you wait for what doesn't come? How many times do you wait to see if it will be taken away again? How far do you go on that path, before you decide you try another path? And how do you know when enough is enough?

I have a dr appt tomorrow afternoon. I'll just have to see where we go from there.

Show me the path, Lord, and I'll walk it.

I believe, Lord, help thou my unbelief.~ Mark 9:24

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Verdict: A cold

So, the bad mood resolved into a cold. First Nathan, then daddy, and then me. Fun fun.

However, now he's much better but still waking up at night for a bottle. We had this under control. He was sleeping through the night. I told MSJ that starting Sunday night was it, we're getting the sleeping thing back under control. We're all happier when we sleep all night long.

I had a nice shopping trip to Goodwill yesterday. I got 1 shorts, 2 exercise/yoga pants, and 1 jeans. And Nathan a few little toys. We are looking for some of the good infant toys, stacking and minor puzzles and such. I need to go to some garage sales and see what I can find.

hm. Not much going on. MSJ is at a bar watching the MMA fights, Nathan is asleep, I'm tired. It's 9PM. I think I'm going to go to bed now. Or at least go lay in bed and read.

Boy, this is definitely not one of my more interesting posts. It sort of reads like I feel.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Poor baby, Poor mommy and daddy!

After waking up at 2, 3, and 4 this morning, my goofy kid woke up at 7:30, bright eyed. until 8:30, at which point he began to wail. He's stuffed full from having a bottle at 2, 3, and 4 last night, and then another 3 ounces this morning at 8. I can't rock him, hold him, or walk with him enough to help him. He has tylenol in his system, no fever that I can tell, and no obvious teeth coming in. So, at 9:15, after he gave a huge yawn and eye rub, I laid him in his crib. He proceeded to cry for 20 minutes, then continued with a low grade whine for the next 15.

You'd think after that much crying he'd be tired of crying and just sleep. It rather amazes me that he still has a voice to cry with.

Poor MSJ, after being awake while nathan cried, he had to get up and go to work at 7AM. I don't know how he did it, because I'm going to go take a nap while nathan is sleeping!

Poor guy, I have no idea how to help him. Any ideas?

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Busy Days

I've been helping my dad clean out the house. It needed it before mom died, and it really needs it now. We've been doing this for probably 3 months now, I go up 1 day a week and we pick a room/project and do what we can to complete it. We're done with the upstairs. All of mom's clothes, all of her fabric and craft stuff, most of the old clothes in the other bedroom closet.

My brother has come over to try to help, but he get's so frustrated with dad. Dad wants to look at everything, pass his eye over it, and make sure he knows what he's throwing/giving away. And I'm a recycler, if I think someone else will use it I will make the effort to try to give it to someone else. My brother just wants to throw it ALL away. He and dad don't work well together on this project.

To be fair, my brother and dad don't work well together, at all. Under any circumstances. But that's another post.

Anyway, I went to dad's today. If my brother's family is coming over, I'll take nathan with me so they can visit with him. If they're not going to be there I usually try to find someone to watch him while I'm working. Last night I couldn't find a sitter, so MSJ volunteered to stay home with him. It was very helpful, so I agreed. When I got home MSJ said something to the effect of 'He's a really busy guy, you have to watch him the whole time. And he's fast, too! Not I know why sometimes you don't get anything done during the day!'

I just smiled and agreed. Yep, he's a busy little guy alright. That's why sometimes when I'm in the kitchen cooking I just put him in his exer-saucer-bouncy-thing and take him with me. He's good for 30 or so minutes, and I can get another 30 minutes if I keep giving him stuff to eat, puffs and yogurt drops and stuff like that. It's usually time for either a nap or dad to come home at that point, so most of the time it works out ok.

It was only about a month ago that he became mobile, and now he's pulling up on stuff. He can't stand yet, but he's trying very hard. Sometimes he'll get pulled up on something, he'll get distracted and then let go and try to walk. Then he falls, sometimes sideways, sometimes back, only once so far face first. He gets very upset when he falls, I don't think it hurts him, but it definitely scares him. It only scares me a little bit.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013


Started my period today. A bit sad. I wouldn't have known if we hadn't been trying.

I'm not sure that this actually counts as a pregnancy. I guess so, but it wasn't real for me yet, so it's a strange state of mind I'm in. Sad, but a bit hardened. I was sort of worried about this, so the fact that it happened isn't exactly unexpected, just unwanted. I think it's a little bit of detachment. It's not real until we hit 4 months. Then it can be real. Otherwise, I don't think my heart can continue to take it.

I only have a couple of more tries before I'm done. I've lost 2. I can't lose too many more.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Is it me, or am I getting old?

I went out tonight to celebrate with a friend her 30th birthday. We were quite close once, but over the last 2 years we've grown apart. It's not either of our fault, it's just life.

The party started at 8 at a bar. I knew I couldn't stay long, we have church in the morning, and I was informed that I would be having my picture taken tomorrow, so I don't want to look all hungover and sick, and Peanut and I missed church last week, he was up several times saturday night, no one really got any rest last saturday. So I told myself I'd leave around 10, 10:30.

So I left Peanut with MSJ, and went to the bar. No one, other than me, the birthday girl and the party planner, showed up until 8:30, and 2 or 3 didn't show up until a little after 9. In an effort to blend in I had a wine spritzer, light on the wine. At the first bar. At the second bar I had water. Then someone brought shots for the table. So we all had a shot. Well, I had a sip of my shot and then passed the rest onto the birthday girl.  I looked at my phone, it was 10:30, so I told one of my other friends, who looked shocked and amazed that I was leaving that early, went to birthday girl and gave her a hug and apologized that I had to leave so early, when it was quite clear that the party was just getting started, because as I left, there was another round of shots being brought to the table. I got the feeling that there would be some discussion after I left about the fact that I left. Birthday girl was totally ok with it, we hugged and said what we always say, that we need to get together more often. Which is true, but we've been saying that for more than a year now.

Part of me really wanted to stay and drink and act single and have a good time. Another part of me was glad it was 10:30 and I could go home. As I sit here writing this I'm at odds in my brain. I really WANTED to want to stay and be a party girl. But I began to realize that I missed my husband, I didn't get to kiss my son goodnight, and I had to be up in the morning (I'm sort of opposite of others right now. we're busy on weekends, but I can sleep in a little on Monday morning).

For the first time since I've been married, I realized that I did give up something to be a Pastor's Wife. I don't have the freedom to go out saturday night and get hammered, then skip church because I'm too hungover to walk right. It's true that by the time we were married I had pretty much given that up anyway, but I guess it was still an option then. I guess it still is an option, but it's not one my husband would be happy with. And not one I would be happy with. It's a nice idea, and it sounds like fun, but hangovers hurt a lot more than they used to, and the smoke makes my sinus's close up, and the loud music makes my head hurt. Damn, I sound old there.

As a side note, one of the guys I knew from the last job, and he was always nice enough, but tonight the only thing he said to me was something snide about my Pastor husband, which was not only rather uncalled for, but also pretty rude. And the fact that I felt the need to defend my husband and family to some d-bag didn't make me feel any more inclined to stay out late.

Normally I have good endings to my posts. I guess I'm out of practice, because I don't have any more thoughts on either of those topics.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Say Yes to the Dress

I've been watching a lot of SYTTD lately, and I have a question:

Do you suppose there are women watching this show, and see someone else try on their dress, and then the person proceeds to tell the world how ugly this dress is and how horrible it looks and how no one should EVER wear it? How many women get their feelings hurt? How many women would even notice that it was their dress? Would you be hurt enough to not watch the show anymore?

Also, I should quit watching that show, because it makes me second guess my wedding dress...from 3 YEARS AGO! Like, maybe I should have looked longer? I liked it, but initially was looking for something far different. Not that it matters, because it was 3 YEARS AGO.

oh boy!

Well, after only 1 month, we are pregnant again. yes, we will have an 18mo and a newborn. Oh MY! What were we thinking!? MSJ was worried it would take us several months, so we should start maybe a little earlier than I would have, so when I came up pregnant after 1 month he was a little shocked. I wasn't. I told him it would only take a month or 2, we're both pretty fertile people. It's a shame we're stopping at 2, we could probably have easily had 4 kids.

I'm both worried and excited. How am I going to do 2 children under 2? with the first one I at least had a chance to nap when Nathan did, but with 2 that won't be quite so easy. I'm still not confident with 1!

But then, I know couples who would give anything to have my problem, to get pregnant a little too easily. I know women who would love to have to worry about taking care of 2 babies, or even 1 baby.

As I have said for several years now, Show me the path, Lord, and I will walk it. MSJ wants me to modify it to Show me the easy path, Lord, but I told him it didn't work like that. The path is rarely just easy. But so far, by following His path, I have found peace and joy. Not always easy, but things seem to work out better.

Show me the path, Lord, and I will walk it. I believe Lord, forgive my unbelief.

PS: if you know me IRL, we're not sharing this news publicly, so be discreet! Not that anyone is reading this blog anymore. Ah well.

EDIT: Wow, amazed to have 2 comments! People like me! :)

Monday, July 22, 2013

3 years?!?

My calendar told me yesterday that my blog is now 3 years old. I don't think that's right. I think it's been longer than that.

OH!! Three years since I restarted this blog as Just Another Pastor's Wife. I looked, my first post was in 2007. That makes 6 years.

Ok, enough math.

I'm still staying home with my little N. He's almost 8 months old now. I've had several people ask me lately if I still like it. I still love it. I thoroughly enjoy my little guy. He's so much fun! He's trying so hard to crawl, his legs know what to do, but his arms aren't so sure. It will come, but I'm happy to wait. Right now, when I put him down, he stays in 1 spot!

I do feel  a little guilty, though. My dad spent a bit of money for me to get my Master's degree, and it sort of seems like I'm wasting it. I think I need to go back to work, maybe for 2 days a week, just to keep my foot in the science door. But I'm sort of lazy, and I hate to think of getting up on time, getting N ready, get him to day care, me to work, working 8 hours (because if I go back to work 2 days, it will be a full and busy 2 days, no getting in late, leaving early, blowing the day on the computer) picking up N, coming home, making dinner. It just sounds like a lot of work! (HA)

Anyway, I've missed this blog, and I hope you have too. I'm going to make it a priority to make this blog active again. I've missed it.

Hope to see you soon.