Tuesday, December 20, 2011

This one is a little deep.

First topic: (there might be several)

This miscarriage has been quite hard on me. I'm mostly fine, but occasionally it will bring me down, usually when I least expect it. I've wondered in the past few weeks, why I didn't react this way when mom died? I know that everyone grieves differently, but while mom's death was hard, it didn't take me out of commission for several days, and leave me still crying 6 weeks later. I went to my psychiatrist, I'm not sure if it was last week or the week before, but anyway. I went, and she increased my Seroquel from 600mg (300mg am and pm) to 650mg (350mg pm and 300am). A few days later I began to see some paranoia seeping through. Not like the-government-is-trying-to-get-me (not to preclude the idea that the government is, in fact, out to get me), more of an i-think-i-did-it-are-you-sure-no-are-you-sure-you're-not-sure-so-maybe-yes sort of paranoia. And it wasn't getting better. And so easily irritated! Oh my gosh, I totally overreacted to a minor thing, and I felt like such an idiot afterward. There wasn't even a good way to go back and apologize for my behavior. I'm so embarrassed about the whole thing. So I called the clinic and she increased my dose to 350mg am and pm, a total of 700mg of this drug. I started the increase on friday morning and I think it's helping. My mind is calmer, more logical, less reactive. I have an appointment on thursday with the clinic. Oh well, at least the medicines are working.

Topic 1.5 (slightly related to First Topic, but different enough to warrant its own number):

The first weekend in December they had the State amateur Karate tournament. It was in the state capitol, and I have a very dear friend who lives there with her family. I asked if we could crash there on friday night (because we're slightly cheap, but also to get a chance to catch up) and it was a lot of fun. There was a point in the conversation that, if MSJ hadn't heard it and translated it for me that I wouldn't have caught. Susie was asking me how I knew I was Bipolar, because she didn't remember me being crazy when we were kids. I'm not sure I gave a great answer, because it made me stop and think. I began to notice real symptoms in graduate school. All of the crap from college was catching up with me and I was having a hard time dealing with it. I began to see patterns, when I was in a good mood I was in a GOOD MOOD and when I was in a bad mood I was in a BAD MOOD. I tried to talk to the student health counseling group, but it only helped marginally.  When I moved for the last job in 2003 I became friends with a woman who was being treated for severe depression. She finally convinced me to go talk to someone, and finally, I did. The diagnosis was quick, and while it took awhile to get the doses right, I could right away that it was better. I'm pretty sure that was fall of 2005, because I remember telling Dr C. So, that's the answer. Bipolar, especially Bipolar II, doesn't usually show up until the 20's. It usually resolves after menopause for women. yay. I could make the case for it several times in college, but not all the time, just flashes of over-emotion. But you might also be able to blame the vast amounts of alcohol and too little sleep, too. Ah, college.

First Topic, Resolution:

I think the reason the miscarriage hit me so hard was that it was so unexpected.  With mom, she had been sick for several years. And getting worse. Also, and this is terrible to think, much less write, but what the hell, As mom got sicker and sicker I withdrew more and more. I distanced myself emotionally, which totally wasn't fair to Dad, but whenever I wanted to relieve dad, or give him a break he shut me, and Bro, out. He had to do it himself. And as mom got worse she wasn't able to influence his decisions like that. She withdrew, too. As her condition deteriorated, she pulled inward more and more. So I grieved a little at a time. It was a surprise, but it wasn't unexpected. But with the miscarriage it was like a blind hit. I didn't have a clue it was coming. At least if it happens again, I won't be blindsided by it. I might be heart-broken, an emotional wreck, but a part of me will be expecting it.

1 comment:

rockle said...

oh, sweetie. hugs to you. i'm sure that everything you are feeling right now is being exacerbated by the holiday hoopla.