Friday, December 23, 2011


*Spoiler Alert*

This is probably a TMI post. But I haven't had a personal one of those in awhile. I thought it was time again.

So, Today is 6 weeks from the D&C. We are cleared for sex. And I am feeling much better than I did at 3 weeks, now I'm actually interested in sex. I hadn't been for awhile. Poor MSJ.

But, that also means I haven't been doing any personal upkeep either. My legs are pretty scary. Even by my standards, and I let them go for a couple of weeks sometimes. At this point it's been 6 weeks since I paid any attention to my hairy regions. So I made an appointment for this afternoon to have a half leg, under arm, and bikini line wax this afternoon.  Merry Christmas Honey!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

This one is a little deep.

First topic: (there might be several)

This miscarriage has been quite hard on me. I'm mostly fine, but occasionally it will bring me down, usually when I least expect it. I've wondered in the past few weeks, why I didn't react this way when mom died? I know that everyone grieves differently, but while mom's death was hard, it didn't take me out of commission for several days, and leave me still crying 6 weeks later. I went to my psychiatrist, I'm not sure if it was last week or the week before, but anyway. I went, and she increased my Seroquel from 600mg (300mg am and pm) to 650mg (350mg pm and 300am). A few days later I began to see some paranoia seeping through. Not like the-government-is-trying-to-get-me (not to preclude the idea that the government is, in fact, out to get me), more of an i-think-i-did-it-are-you-sure-no-are-you-sure-you're-not-sure-so-maybe-yes sort of paranoia. And it wasn't getting better. And so easily irritated! Oh my gosh, I totally overreacted to a minor thing, and I felt like such an idiot afterward. There wasn't even a good way to go back and apologize for my behavior. I'm so embarrassed about the whole thing. So I called the clinic and she increased my dose to 350mg am and pm, a total of 700mg of this drug. I started the increase on friday morning and I think it's helping. My mind is calmer, more logical, less reactive. I have an appointment on thursday with the clinic. Oh well, at least the medicines are working.

Topic 1.5 (slightly related to First Topic, but different enough to warrant its own number):

The first weekend in December they had the State amateur Karate tournament. It was in the state capitol, and I have a very dear friend who lives there with her family. I asked if we could crash there on friday night (because we're slightly cheap, but also to get a chance to catch up) and it was a lot of fun. There was a point in the conversation that, if MSJ hadn't heard it and translated it for me that I wouldn't have caught. Susie was asking me how I knew I was Bipolar, because she didn't remember me being crazy when we were kids. I'm not sure I gave a great answer, because it made me stop and think. I began to notice real symptoms in graduate school. All of the crap from college was catching up with me and I was having a hard time dealing with it. I began to see patterns, when I was in a good mood I was in a GOOD MOOD and when I was in a bad mood I was in a BAD MOOD. I tried to talk to the student health counseling group, but it only helped marginally.  When I moved for the last job in 2003 I became friends with a woman who was being treated for severe depression. She finally convinced me to go talk to someone, and finally, I did. The diagnosis was quick, and while it took awhile to get the doses right, I could right away that it was better. I'm pretty sure that was fall of 2005, because I remember telling Dr C. So, that's the answer. Bipolar, especially Bipolar II, doesn't usually show up until the 20's. It usually resolves after menopause for women. yay. I could make the case for it several times in college, but not all the time, just flashes of over-emotion. But you might also be able to blame the vast amounts of alcohol and too little sleep, too. Ah, college.

First Topic, Resolution:

I think the reason the miscarriage hit me so hard was that it was so unexpected.  With mom, she had been sick for several years. And getting worse. Also, and this is terrible to think, much less write, but what the hell, As mom got sicker and sicker I withdrew more and more. I distanced myself emotionally, which totally wasn't fair to Dad, but whenever I wanted to relieve dad, or give him a break he shut me, and Bro, out. He had to do it himself. And as mom got worse she wasn't able to influence his decisions like that. She withdrew, too. As her condition deteriorated, she pulled inward more and more. So I grieved a little at a time. It was a surprise, but it wasn't unexpected. But with the miscarriage it was like a blind hit. I didn't have a clue it was coming. At least if it happens again, I won't be blindsided by it. I might be heart-broken, an emotional wreck, but a part of me will be expecting it.

Friday, December 9, 2011

I'm just not that fond of Ladder-Climbers

2 posts in 1 day!! Amazing!!

The week I started my new job the lab manager was sent home on bed rest, she's pregnant but isn't due until early January. That meant they had to bring the temp lab manager in early. I'll call him Will. At first I thought I liked him, he seemed pretty cool. But, sort of like high school cool? Not bad looking, charming, outgoing, that sort of thing. As the days progressed I found myself liking him more and more. He more and more reminds me of High School Cool, and since I HATED high school, it turns me off. But there was more to it than that, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I told MSJ that he reminded me of a sales person. 'Smarmy' was the best word. Will told us (Me, Cy, Jen and Jean) a few days ago that he had been lab tech, he earned an MBA, and now was trying to break into the Lab Manager position.

I finally figured out what I don't like about him. He is a sales person, but what he's selling is himself to the higher management. He doesn't (yet?) feel any responsibility for, or to, the members of the lab. He has his best interest in mind. The permanent lab manager (I'm calling her May) is genuinely concerned with the welfare of the lab and it's members, and that it is functioning properly. I think I'll be glad when she comes back.

My First Manic Justification. Alternately titled: This Insurance SUCKS!

This week was a first for me. I know, I'm at an age where I thought there aren't too many more firsts, but here's one.

Since I was diagnosed, I have taken my medicine faithfully. FAITHFULLY. I am medicated, and happy to be that way. I remember what it was like immediately before I was diagnosed, I was super irritable, couldn't concentrate or sit still, or I was down down down depressed. I could sit on my couch for hours, days and not move except to go to the bathroom. And even then, I waited until I couldn't wait anymore.

So when i noticed that I was having manic spikes, I went to the doc and she increased the dose on one of my meds. I've been on the increased dose for about 10 days. I don't especially like it, I'm running a little higher than normal, but there haven't been anymore true spikes. So, I decided that I was ok, I didn't need the additional dose. And then I stopped taking the additional dose. I've never had the thought series that said, 'You don't need that medicine! You're fine without it!'. This line of thought is classic Bi-polar. The progression is: Depressed, get meds, level out, decide you're fine, stop taking meds, spike high, do something stupid/bad/dangerous/illegal, get caught, bottom out into depression.

Yesterday I forgot to take my morning pill, and for some reason I don't have my little pill bottle I carry with me that has some extra doses (for just such an occasion). So not only had I stopped taking the additional dose, I didn't get my standard morning dose.

I cried to Little Drummer Boy on the radio, and I was pretty high most of the day. I'm not sure I'd call it a manic spike, but by the time I got home I could definitely tell. So I sucked it up and on my way home I stopped at CVS and filled the stupid prescription filled (I had been taking free samples the doc and given me). It cost me $60 for a 30 day supply. That's about $2/pill. I thought $35 was high with Blue cross. This insurance SUCKS.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Yet another ramble, this time about work

I'm not sure I have a lot to say, but it's been a few days, so here I go.

There are now 4 of us in our little cubicle area. Jean is a grad student with the university I'm collaborating with. She's usually here in the afternoons, but some days not at all. We get along ok, but she's very chic urban, and I'm NOT. There is also Car and Jen (names shortened to protect the innocent). They are both very nice, friendly and funny and understand my sense of humor, I am enjoying sitting next to them. Plus, we eat lunch together some days, so I have someone to eat lunch with. Yay!

However, Car and Jen work for the same boss, and they're not doing animal work. They're both working hard to get their first really large experiment moving, so they are working hard each day, planning and scheduling and writing protocols, etc. They sit behind me, and they're working hard, and I start to feel a little like a slacker. The fact that I'm not yet cleared to do the work I was hired to do is beside the point.

I did my Animal Facility training, which at this institution is call the Comparative Medicine Program. Or the CMP. I'm guessing it's part of that department, and since there isn't a ton of work being done they don't have a dedicated ARC program. It's really weird for me, I come from a high containment lab where you protect people from the diseases that we give the mice. That means it doesn't matter what you bring in, everything that goes out is sterilized. Here we are protecting the animals from us. So anything we want to bring in must be sterilized, either by Vaporized Hydrogen Peroxide (VHP) for large things, computers, supplies, or by some disinfecting wipes that are at the entrance of the facility for small things (cellphones, watches, badges). Here they don't care what you bring out, because the animals aren't infectious. It's a really different mentality. And there are a few things that they do, or don't do as the case may be, that makes me shake my head. I largely tried to keep my mouth shut, though. A new job, a new employer, new rules.

And speaking of new rules, I begrudgingly went out and bought new pants. I bought 4 pair. I might try again in a couple of weeks, maybe after Christmas sales?

I also thought I was largely done with "First Things" at this stage of my life, but for the first time I found someone in the bathroom who squats on the toilet seat. I heard someone in the next stall, well, utilizing the toilet, but when I looked down (reflex, I can't help it) there weren't any feet on the floor. I thought that was odd, so I double checked, and sure enough, no feet. This is a new facility, it was opened 2 years ago, and we are the first lab in this space. I promise, the toilets are clean!

hm, well that was more than I thought. Happy Wednesday everyone!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Being nice

Because I live a ways from work, and traffic can be pretty bad some days, I usually leave the house between 7 and 7:30 (which is WAY earlier than my last job!!). I usually get to work between 8:15 and 9am, depending on whether or not there is an accident on 1 of the 2 roads I travel on. This morning was an easy drive, a little under an hour from driveway to desk. Around 8:20. There was no one else here. In a lab space that will hold up to 40 people, though right now it probably houses around 35, I was the first one in. By, like, 20 minutes. Now, I like to leave work at or near 5pm. I'd rather get here early, get stuff done, and go home, but it seems like almost all of the rest of the lab gets here late and stays to past 6pm or later. Earlier this week a guy I'll be working peripherally with STARTED a several hour protocol at 3:30 in the afternoon. He would be here until at least 6:30, probably closer to 7 or 7:30. All of this means that I probably won't have much help with animal experiments, because I'll want to start them early, and no one else will be here. I'll probably cave in and start later, because I don't see 3 or 4 people changing their habits, when the 1 new lady is the one outlier.

Man, sometimes I hate being accommodating.