Saturday, November 12, 2011

Holy crap, ya'll

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Holy crap, ya'll. This has been the most chaotic month.

From the highest high, I'm Pregnant!  Yippee!!!  It only took us 3 months, we were very excited.  This past week, I miscarried. I'm devastated. I know I'm not the only one, but there is little comfort in that when it happens to you. I had to have a D&C yesterday. I'm ok, as long as I'm not talking about it all. Thursday night my Pastor from my last church came over for a visit. I was ok until he started praying, and I started crying. Apparently it was deep and sincere, because I made Pastor T tear up, too. Yesterday as they were wheeling me into the operating room, before they started anesthesia, I started to cry (of course), and, I had my 2 nurses crying, too. Then, in recovery, I was next to a woman who had a C-section and they were discussing names, boy names. It was killing me, and the recovery nurse just kept saying 'It's ok, stop crying'. Because THAT was helpful. I've had some cramping, and a little bleeding, but physically I'm ok. Emotionally, it will take awhile. They said we can start trying again 2 or 3 months, and we don't want to wait too long. I guess I'll know then if I'm ready. 

My new job is good.  I've been at my job 1 week, and I had a miscarriage.  Yep, 1 week. My direct boss, Kevin, is being so generous with my taking time off.  In some jobs, it takes awhile to get started, online training, security clearance, hand's on training, etc.  That means that I'm not doing much right now. So if it had to happen, right now is the time. Kevin just told me to take the time I need to get better. So I got to take Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off, no problem.

A little humor, they also told us that we couldn't have sex for 6 weeks after the procedure. When we asked, MSJ made sure to tell the the Dr that it wasn't just him, that I wanted to know, too. It made the ob/gyn laugh a little.

Also, the new job, the first day, Monday, was a whole day of orientation. So Tuesday was my first day. I got lost. HA! I went to the building I was supposed to go to, but no one had heard of my department, or my PI. I struggled with that for 30 min to an hour.  Finally I called my HR person, and almost in tears, and told him what was going on. He told me to hold on, and he'd have someone call me.  A lady called me back, and I had to go to a different building! She escorted me onto the right floor and into the lab.  It was called the Diabetes Institute.  Now, that WAS NOT the building that was listed on my paperwork. Turns out, the lab was moving to the new building on Friday.  Yes, in 3 days the lab was moving.  So I sort of sat out of the way on Tuesday, on wednesday I sat out of the lab in the new building, staying out of the way.  Late wednesday, I got into the lab, found my desk and bench, pulled out my laptop and started online training. On Thursday I had completed enough training to get my badge access, so I could quit waiting outside the door for someone to let me in. Friday, I got a new computer...this is a sad little Dell computer. It has got to be a baseline model. With a tiny little monitor! My computer at the last lab was MUCH better than this one!!

My last working day at the old lab, Dr. C was, I think, trying to be funny, said, "We all hope that SMB goes to heaven, because if she goes to hell she'll be tormented by all the mice she killed in the last 6 years! But then again, we did get that antibiotic pushed through the CDC, so you might be ok."   WTHeck?!?!?  What does that even mean?  And he's not Christian, so am I condemned Muslim or Hindi hell, or Christian hell?

In an effort to lighten the mood a little, I keep saying things like, well, at least now I can coffee in the morning, AND tea for lunch, I can have a beer now, I can take my allergy pills again, etc. It helps a little, but only very little. 

In the mean time, I'm holding myself together.  MSJ has been a rock, my anchor in this storm. I look at some of the guys I dated, and I can't imagine them taking care of me this well. God did indeed bless me with a great husband.


Jolly Johnstons said...


rockle said...

so sorry for your loss. but it sounds like your husband is wonderful and you will get through this like pros.