Monday, November 28, 2011

A good thing, indeed

I know you guys must be a little tired of reading about this, and I'm a little tired of writing about it. For my sake, and my few devoted readers, I'll try to give this incident a rest after this post.

So, went to see the psychiatrist on Wednesday. I didn't cry, but it was hard to tell the story again. Then I mentioned that I had had at least 1 hypo-manic (higher than normal for me, but not screaming-high-MANIC), probably 3. It took until the 3rd one before I realized what was happening. I realized it when I was was sitting in church last sunday and I had to stifle the urge to laugh during the service.

This concerned my doc, and I was prescribed an additional 50mg dose each day. I can tell it has helped, my mind is my own again, I'm not struggling with concentration, apathy, anxiety, annoyance, avoidance, pick another a-word. [As a lead in, I can always find something to be concerned about] On the other hand, I'm a little concerned that I've cut off my grieving period a little too soon. I'm in a good mood, but it feels artificial. Like I wasn't done grieving, but the medication adjustment changed my mind chemically, without me actually getting over this event. After the appointment I was also given a card and told to call, any time of the day or night, if I needed anything or had suicidal thoughts. In this whole time I haven't had a suicidal/homicidal/damage inflicting thought, but they are concerned. I wonder if I should be, too?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Once Again, all over the place

I had a followup appointment with the ob/gyn this morning. I've been fine, haven't cried in a coupe of days. Then I had to sit in that little room, with an ultrasound going in the next room, and even I could hear the heartbeat, and I almost lost it all over again. The Dr is very good ob/gyn. Well, at least as far as I know her now. Anyway, she was very kind, and sorry I had to come into the office, she knew it was hard, blah blah blah. End of story: yearly in February, wait 2 period cycles before trying again, let her know if any problems arise.

Then, because I was in the building and I'm lazy like that, I went to Employee Health, and asked to get an MMR vaccine. I had no titer, but I was pregnant so they wouldn't give it to me while I was pregnant. The nurse asked me how old the baby was, and I told her, and she said it had happened to her, that God would give me lots of pretty babies.

Then she showed me this shot! I had a minor meltdown, it was 1ml of clear liquid, which means the adjuvant wasn't as painful, but it was a big shot! I was so afraid it would hurt I started to tear up. She told me to take a breath, and she jabbed me. It didn't hurt that much, and then I felt sort of stupid that I cried a little. I apologized several times. Stupid hormones.

Good thing I got an appointment with my Psychiatrist tomorrow.

Monday, November 21, 2011

All over the place

The last few days have been better. Physically I wasn't doing great thursday and friday, but today is better, physically and mentally. MSJ had a funeral saturday. I was going to attend, as the Pastor's Wife, but we discussed it and thought it might not be a good idea for me to go to a funeral in my current fragile emotional state.

I had a really cool dream saturday morning. Don't really remember what it was about, just that it was cool. So when it was over I went ahead and got out of bed. MSJ had make eggs and bacon, and I added a small soy sausage patty. Plus, I had 2! count that 1,2!! cups of coffee. it tasted really good!

I listened to NPR's Wait Wait don't tell me. I watched Seinfeld. I did a little laundry. I napped. I tried curing a cast iron skillet that we inherited. I used Vegetable oil, not vegetable shortening. I'm going to have to try again, this time with shortening.

I really need to start exercising. I have an appointment on tuesday and I'll check then. I need to get rid of this 10lbs of weight I gained, plus the additional 20 I was carrying before I got pregnant. Daunting task, but I definitely need to try.

I have had some wicked mood swings lately, going from giddy/cheerful to don't talk to/touch me. And this is on my current meds. I can't imagine how bad it would be without the meds. I found out that my Psychiatrist is covered on my current health plan, so YIPPEE! I don't have to get a new doctor! And, he can see me before Thanksgiving! yay! crappy that I need it, but glad I can get it. Speaking of new health plan, United Health Care SUCKS BALLS!!! I know I'm used to state insurance, but this is so much worse. I live an hour from work, more than that if traffic is slow. But if I don't used this hospital, I have to pay 20% of everything, plus a $1500 deductible. To get the D&C done down where my Ob/gyn was, it would have cost us $1250 walk up cost, not including whatever the 20% of the procedure would be. So we pretty much had to come up here to do the procedure. Which meant MSJ had to drive home. He hates driving in Large City traffic. It's a testament of his love for me that he did it without complaint. Of course, I slept most of the way home, so it's possible I just didn't hear it.

A little dark, but 10 days post procedure (I can't decide if this will be helpful, or just morbid).

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

sad rambling

So, last night was a bad night. I had to tell my Aunt Marsha about the baby. She was the last one, and I was dreading the call. I did ok on the call, but after that I fell apart. Now, the kitchen was dirty, my husband made a big batch of Green Lemon-Egg soup (better than it sounds), and made many dirty pots and pans, and since he's totally a man, they were still sitting the stove 3 days later. This annoyed the heck out of me. So, I loaded as many as I could into the dishwasher, then had to hand wash the rest. This annoyed me even more. I have destroyed several things in the garbage disposal, so I usually keep a strainer-thing over it to keep unwanted items from dropping into. MSJ laughs at me, so last night I decided not to use it. Then I destroyed an important piece to our garlic grinder. Which totally ticked me off. TOTALLY ticked me off. So I yelled, a bit irrationally, and a bit unfairly, at MSJ, that it was his fault since he made fun of me for using the strainer in the first place. Then I burst into tears. He stood looking at me with complete confusion on his poor face. He asked if I was mad at him, or something he did. I assured him it wasn't his fault, it was just hitting me hard again. So I went to take a shower, and it was a total cliche, standing crying in the shower. My sweet kind gently husband got into the shower with me and held me tight and told me he loved me. I finally stopped crying, we went out and watched some funny tv shows (we had to pass several depressing/violent/graphic shows along the way) and then went to bed. I had bad dreams all night. The best, and last one, was that I was trying to take the SAT's and the questions were really obscure and random questions, and I didn't know any of the answers, and everyone around me was turning in their papers really early, and I was running out of time, and then i woke up. I don't know if there is any meaning in that or not. All in all, not a great night. But, as I read going out the door this morning, "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it-Psalms 118:24." I'm not sure about the rejoicing, but I'll at least try not to be disagreeable and bitter.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Walking contradictions...

So, I'm a little better today.  A previous co-worker of mine is pregnant, 1 week ahead of me. Last night we had a girls night out, pedicures and dinner, and I had a beer...because I could (it actually didn't taste that great, but by God I had ordered it and I WAS going to drink it), and she was there.  I initially wasn't sure how I would handle it, but I did ok. I asked them to please not ask questions, that I would talk about it over time, but that right now it's still a pretty open wound and I didn't want to cry last night. Except for 1 question they honored it, so it was ok, and I have pretty toes again.

My new job is going well. Yesterday I helped my lab-mate, Jean, do an animal procedure. It was interesting. She did a tail vein injection, which I've never done, and since this was an important experiment I didn't try it, but I'll have to try that when I get my access to the animal room. It didn't seem hard, just sort of tricky. Plus, one more thing to add to my CV. Thursday I have a meeting with my other boss at the other institution. My job is to sort of bring the 2 labs together at the Large Hospital (LH) where work. It should be an interesting meeting, I'm a little apprehensive about the meeting, but I'm looking forward to it, too. I'm just a walking mass of contradictions lately.

It's also funny, at the last lab the temperature was regularly 71 to F-72.5 degrees and most of the time I was fine. I didn't even wear a jacket half the time. But here, it's 72.3 degrees, and it feels like it's in the 60's. I have my long-sleeved button front on, and I'm STILL chilly. I know, I know, but there's a reason I live where I do. I like hot weather, I'm still comfortable at 90 degrees.

On a sad note again (walking contradiction), I couldn't let the baby pass without something tangible to remember it, so I decided, and MSJ didn't mind, that even though it was too small to tell, that it was girl, and we've (mostly me) have decided to call her Hope. So, even though I didn't get to carry her for very long, she's still my Hope.

Let the tears begin anew...

Saturday, November 12, 2011


Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we celebrated our 1 year anniversary on the 6th.  We went out to a nice seafood restaurant after church, then we watched a football game, then he helped me clean the house a little.  I know it doesn't sound like much, but we both felt like it was a nice day.

Holy crap, ya'll

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Holy crap, ya'll. This has been the most chaotic month.

From the highest high, I'm Pregnant!  Yippee!!!  It only took us 3 months, we were very excited.  This past week, I miscarried. I'm devastated. I know I'm not the only one, but there is little comfort in that when it happens to you. I had to have a D&C yesterday. I'm ok, as long as I'm not talking about it all. Thursday night my Pastor from my last church came over for a visit. I was ok until he started praying, and I started crying. Apparently it was deep and sincere, because I made Pastor T tear up, too. Yesterday as they were wheeling me into the operating room, before they started anesthesia, I started to cry (of course), and, I had my 2 nurses crying, too. Then, in recovery, I was next to a woman who had a C-section and they were discussing names, boy names. It was killing me, and the recovery nurse just kept saying 'It's ok, stop crying'. Because THAT was helpful. I've had some cramping, and a little bleeding, but physically I'm ok. Emotionally, it will take awhile. They said we can start trying again 2 or 3 months, and we don't want to wait too long. I guess I'll know then if I'm ready. 

My new job is good.  I've been at my job 1 week, and I had a miscarriage.  Yep, 1 week. My direct boss, Kevin, is being so generous with my taking time off.  In some jobs, it takes awhile to get started, online training, security clearance, hand's on training, etc.  That means that I'm not doing much right now. So if it had to happen, right now is the time. Kevin just told me to take the time I need to get better. So I got to take Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off, no problem.

A little humor, they also told us that we couldn't have sex for 6 weeks after the procedure. When we asked, MSJ made sure to tell the the Dr that it wasn't just him, that I wanted to know, too. It made the ob/gyn laugh a little.

Also, the new job, the first day, Monday, was a whole day of orientation. So Tuesday was my first day. I got lost. HA! I went to the building I was supposed to go to, but no one had heard of my department, or my PI. I struggled with that for 30 min to an hour.  Finally I called my HR person, and almost in tears, and told him what was going on. He told me to hold on, and he'd have someone call me.  A lady called me back, and I had to go to a different building! She escorted me onto the right floor and into the lab.  It was called the Diabetes Institute.  Now, that WAS NOT the building that was listed on my paperwork. Turns out, the lab was moving to the new building on Friday.  Yes, in 3 days the lab was moving.  So I sort of sat out of the way on Tuesday, on wednesday I sat out of the lab in the new building, staying out of the way.  Late wednesday, I got into the lab, found my desk and bench, pulled out my laptop and started online training. On Thursday I had completed enough training to get my badge access, so I could quit waiting outside the door for someone to let me in. Friday, I got a new computer...this is a sad little Dell computer. It has got to be a baseline model. With a tiny little monitor! My computer at the last lab was MUCH better than this one!!

My last working day at the old lab, Dr. C was, I think, trying to be funny, said, "We all hope that SMB goes to heaven, because if she goes to hell she'll be tormented by all the mice she killed in the last 6 years! But then again, we did get that antibiotic pushed through the CDC, so you might be ok."   WTHeck?!?!?  What does that even mean?  And he's not Christian, so am I condemned Muslim or Hindi hell, or Christian hell?

In an effort to lighten the mood a little, I keep saying things like, well, at least now I can coffee in the morning, AND tea for lunch, I can have a beer now, I can take my allergy pills again, etc. It helps a little, but only very little. 

In the mean time, I'm holding myself together.  MSJ has been a rock, my anchor in this storm. I look at some of the guys I dated, and I can't imagine them taking care of me this well. God did indeed bless me with a great husband.