Friday, December 23, 2011

Overshare!

*Spoiler Alert*

This is probably a TMI post. But I haven't had a personal one of those in awhile. I thought it was time again.

So, Today is 6 weeks from the D&C. We are cleared for sex. And I am feeling much better than I did at 3 weeks, now I'm actually interested in sex. I hadn't been for awhile. Poor MSJ.

But, that also means I haven't been doing any personal upkeep either. My legs are pretty scary. Even by my standards, and I let them go for a couple of weeks sometimes. At this point it's been 6 weeks since I paid any attention to my hairy regions. So I made an appointment for this afternoon to have a half leg, under arm, and bikini line wax this afternoon.  Merry Christmas Honey!!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

This one is a little deep.

First topic: (there might be several)

This miscarriage has been quite hard on me. I'm mostly fine, but occasionally it will bring me down, usually when I least expect it. I've wondered in the past few weeks, why I didn't react this way when mom died? I know that everyone grieves differently, but while mom's death was hard, it didn't take me out of commission for several days, and leave me still crying 6 weeks later. I went to my psychiatrist, I'm not sure if it was last week or the week before, but anyway. I went, and she increased my Seroquel from 600mg (300mg am and pm) to 650mg (350mg pm and 300am). A few days later I began to see some paranoia seeping through. Not like the-government-is-trying-to-get-me (not to preclude the idea that the government is, in fact, out to get me), more of an i-think-i-did-it-are-you-sure-no-are-you-sure-you're-not-sure-so-maybe-yes sort of paranoia. And it wasn't getting better. And so easily irritated! Oh my gosh, I totally overreacted to a minor thing, and I felt like such an idiot afterward. There wasn't even a good way to go back and apologize for my behavior. I'm so embarrassed about the whole thing. So I called the clinic and she increased my dose to 350mg am and pm, a total of 700mg of this drug. I started the increase on friday morning and I think it's helping. My mind is calmer, more logical, less reactive. I have an appointment on thursday with the clinic. Oh well, at least the medicines are working.

Topic 1.5 (slightly related to First Topic, but different enough to warrant its own number):

The first weekend in December they had the State amateur Karate tournament. It was in the state capitol, and I have a very dear friend who lives there with her family. I asked if we could crash there on friday night (because we're slightly cheap, but also to get a chance to catch up) and it was a lot of fun. There was a point in the conversation that, if MSJ hadn't heard it and translated it for me that I wouldn't have caught. Susie was asking me how I knew I was Bipolar, because she didn't remember me being crazy when we were kids. I'm not sure I gave a great answer, because it made me stop and think. I began to notice real symptoms in graduate school. All of the crap from college was catching up with me and I was having a hard time dealing with it. I began to see patterns, when I was in a good mood I was in a GOOD MOOD and when I was in a bad mood I was in a BAD MOOD. I tried to talk to the student health counseling group, but it only helped marginally.  When I moved for the last job in 2003 I became friends with a woman who was being treated for severe depression. She finally convinced me to go talk to someone, and finally, I did. The diagnosis was quick, and while it took awhile to get the doses right, I could right away that it was better. I'm pretty sure that was fall of 2005, because I remember telling Dr C. So, that's the answer. Bipolar, especially Bipolar II, doesn't usually show up until the 20's. It usually resolves after menopause for women. yay. I could make the case for it several times in college, but not all the time, just flashes of over-emotion. But you might also be able to blame the vast amounts of alcohol and too little sleep, too. Ah, college.

First Topic, Resolution:

I think the reason the miscarriage hit me so hard was that it was so unexpected.  With mom, she had been sick for several years. And getting worse. Also, and this is terrible to think, much less write, but what the hell, As mom got sicker and sicker I withdrew more and more. I distanced myself emotionally, which totally wasn't fair to Dad, but whenever I wanted to relieve dad, or give him a break he shut me, and Bro, out. He had to do it himself. And as mom got worse she wasn't able to influence his decisions like that. She withdrew, too. As her condition deteriorated, she pulled inward more and more. So I grieved a little at a time. It was a surprise, but it wasn't unexpected. But with the miscarriage it was like a blind hit. I didn't have a clue it was coming. At least if it happens again, I won't be blindsided by it. I might be heart-broken, an emotional wreck, but a part of me will be expecting it.

Friday, December 9, 2011

I'm just not that fond of Ladder-Climbers

2 posts in 1 day!! Amazing!!

The week I started my new job the lab manager was sent home on bed rest, she's pregnant but isn't due until early January. That meant they had to bring the temp lab manager in early. I'll call him Will. At first I thought I liked him, he seemed pretty cool. But, sort of like high school cool? Not bad looking, charming, outgoing, that sort of thing. As the days progressed I found myself liking him more and more. He more and more reminds me of High School Cool, and since I HATED high school, it turns me off. But there was more to it than that, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I told MSJ that he reminded me of a sales person. 'Smarmy' was the best word. Will told us (Me, Cy, Jen and Jean) a few days ago that he had been lab tech, he earned an MBA, and now was trying to break into the Lab Manager position.

I finally figured out what I don't like about him. He is a sales person, but what he's selling is himself to the higher management. He doesn't (yet?) feel any responsibility for, or to, the members of the lab. He has his best interest in mind. The permanent lab manager (I'm calling her May) is genuinely concerned with the welfare of the lab and it's members, and that it is functioning properly. I think I'll be glad when she comes back.


My First Manic Justification. Alternately titled: This Insurance SUCKS!

This week was a first for me. I know, I'm at an age where I thought there aren't too many more firsts, but here's one.

Since I was diagnosed, I have taken my medicine faithfully. FAITHFULLY. I am medicated, and happy to be that way. I remember what it was like immediately before I was diagnosed, I was super irritable, couldn't concentrate or sit still, or I was down down down depressed. I could sit on my couch for hours, days and not move except to go to the bathroom. And even then, I waited until I couldn't wait anymore.

So when i noticed that I was having manic spikes, I went to the doc and she increased the dose on one of my meds. I've been on the increased dose for about 10 days. I don't especially like it, I'm running a little higher than normal, but there haven't been anymore true spikes. So, I decided that I was ok, I didn't need the additional dose. And then I stopped taking the additional dose. I've never had the thought series that said, 'You don't need that medicine! You're fine without it!'. This line of thought is classic Bi-polar. The progression is: Depressed, get meds, level out, decide you're fine, stop taking meds, spike high, do something stupid/bad/dangerous/illegal, get caught, bottom out into depression.

Yesterday I forgot to take my morning pill, and for some reason I don't have my little pill bottle I carry with me that has some extra doses (for just such an occasion). So not only had I stopped taking the additional dose, I didn't get my standard morning dose.

I cried to Little Drummer Boy on the radio, and I was pretty high most of the day. I'm not sure I'd call it a manic spike, but by the time I got home I could definitely tell. So I sucked it up and on my way home I stopped at CVS and filled the stupid prescription filled (I had been taking free samples the doc and given me). It cost me $60 for a 30 day supply. That's about $2/pill. I thought $35 was high with Blue cross. This insurance SUCKS.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Yet another ramble, this time about work

I'm not sure I have a lot to say, but it's been a few days, so here I go.

There are now 4 of us in our little cubicle area. Jean is a grad student with the university I'm collaborating with. She's usually here in the afternoons, but some days not at all. We get along ok, but she's very chic urban, and I'm NOT. There is also Car and Jen (names shortened to protect the innocent). They are both very nice, friendly and funny and understand my sense of humor, I am enjoying sitting next to them. Plus, we eat lunch together some days, so I have someone to eat lunch with. Yay!

However, Car and Jen work for the same boss, and they're not doing animal work. They're both working hard to get their first really large experiment moving, so they are working hard each day, planning and scheduling and writing protocols, etc. They sit behind me, and they're working hard, and I start to feel a little like a slacker. The fact that I'm not yet cleared to do the work I was hired to do is beside the point.

I did my Animal Facility training, which at this institution is call the Comparative Medicine Program. Or the CMP. I'm guessing it's part of that department, and since there isn't a ton of work being done they don't have a dedicated ARC program. It's really weird for me, I come from a high containment lab where you protect people from the diseases that we give the mice. That means it doesn't matter what you bring in, everything that goes out is sterilized. Here we are protecting the animals from us. So anything we want to bring in must be sterilized, either by Vaporized Hydrogen Peroxide (VHP) for large things, computers, supplies, or by some disinfecting wipes that are at the entrance of the facility for small things (cellphones, watches, badges). Here they don't care what you bring out, because the animals aren't infectious. It's a really different mentality. And there are a few things that they do, or don't do as the case may be, that makes me shake my head. I largely tried to keep my mouth shut, though. A new job, a new employer, new rules.

And speaking of new rules, I begrudgingly went out and bought new pants. I bought 4 pair. I might try again in a couple of weeks, maybe after Christmas sales?

I also thought I was largely done with "First Things" at this stage of my life, but for the first time I found someone in the bathroom who squats on the toilet seat. I heard someone in the next stall, well, utilizing the toilet, but when I looked down (reflex, I can't help it) there weren't any feet on the floor. I thought that was odd, so I double checked, and sure enough, no feet. This is a new facility, it was opened 2 years ago, and we are the first lab in this space. I promise, the toilets are clean!

hm, well that was more than I thought. Happy Wednesday everyone!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Being nice

Because I live a ways from work, and traffic can be pretty bad some days, I usually leave the house between 7 and 7:30 (which is WAY earlier than my last job!!). I usually get to work between 8:15 and 9am, depending on whether or not there is an accident on 1 of the 2 roads I travel on. This morning was an easy drive, a little under an hour from driveway to desk. Around 8:20. There was no one else here. In a lab space that will hold up to 40 people, though right now it probably houses around 35, I was the first one in. By, like, 20 minutes. Now, I like to leave work at or near 5pm. I'd rather get here early, get stuff done, and go home, but it seems like almost all of the rest of the lab gets here late and stays to past 6pm or later. Earlier this week a guy I'll be working peripherally with STARTED a several hour protocol at 3:30 in the afternoon. He would be here until at least 6:30, probably closer to 7 or 7:30. All of this means that I probably won't have much help with animal experiments, because I'll want to start them early, and no one else will be here. I'll probably cave in and start later, because I don't see 3 or 4 people changing their habits, when the 1 new lady is the one outlier.

Man, sometimes I hate being accommodating.

Monday, November 28, 2011

A good thing, indeed

I know you guys must be a little tired of reading about this, and I'm a little tired of writing about it. For my sake, and my few devoted readers, I'll try to give this incident a rest after this post.

So, went to see the psychiatrist on Wednesday. I didn't cry, but it was hard to tell the story again. Then I mentioned that I had had at least 1 hypo-manic (higher than normal for me, but not screaming-high-MANIC), probably 3. It took until the 3rd one before I realized what was happening. I realized it when I was was sitting in church last sunday and I had to stifle the urge to laugh during the service.

This concerned my doc, and I was prescribed an additional 50mg dose each day. I can tell it has helped, my mind is my own again, I'm not struggling with concentration, apathy, anxiety, annoyance, avoidance, pick another a-word. [As a lead in, I can always find something to be concerned about] On the other hand, I'm a little concerned that I've cut off my grieving period a little too soon. I'm in a good mood, but it feels artificial. Like I wasn't done grieving, but the medication adjustment changed my mind chemically, without me actually getting over this event. After the appointment I was also given a card and told to call, any time of the day or night, if I needed anything or had suicidal thoughts. In this whole time I haven't had a suicidal/homicidal/damage inflicting thought, but they are concerned. I wonder if I should be, too?


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Once Again, all over the place

I had a followup appointment with the ob/gyn this morning. I've been fine, haven't cried in a coupe of days. Then I had to sit in that little room, with an ultrasound going in the next room, and even I could hear the heartbeat, and I almost lost it all over again. The Dr is very good ob/gyn. Well, at least as far as I know her now. Anyway, she was very kind, and sorry I had to come into the office, she knew it was hard, blah blah blah. End of story: yearly in February, wait 2 period cycles before trying again, let her know if any problems arise.

Then, because I was in the building and I'm lazy like that, I went to Employee Health, and asked to get an MMR vaccine. I had no titer, but I was pregnant so they wouldn't give it to me while I was pregnant. The nurse asked me how old the baby was, and I told her, and she said it had happened to her, that God would give me lots of pretty babies.

Then she showed me this shot! I had a minor meltdown, it was 1ml of clear liquid, which means the adjuvant wasn't as painful, but it was a big shot! I was so afraid it would hurt I started to tear up. She told me to take a breath, and she jabbed me. It didn't hurt that much, and then I felt sort of stupid that I cried a little. I apologized several times. Stupid hormones.

Good thing I got an appointment with my Psychiatrist tomorrow.

Monday, November 21, 2011

All over the place

The last few days have been better. Physically I wasn't doing great thursday and friday, but today is better, physically and mentally. MSJ had a funeral saturday. I was going to attend, as the Pastor's Wife, but we discussed it and thought it might not be a good idea for me to go to a funeral in my current fragile emotional state.

I had a really cool dream saturday morning. Don't really remember what it was about, just that it was cool. So when it was over I went ahead and got out of bed. MSJ had make eggs and bacon, and I added a small soy sausage patty. Plus, I had 2! count that 1,2!! cups of coffee. it tasted really good!

I listened to NPR's Wait Wait don't tell me. I watched Seinfeld. I did a little laundry. I napped. I tried curing a cast iron skillet that we inherited. I used Vegetable oil, not vegetable shortening. I'm going to have to try again, this time with shortening.

I really need to start exercising. I have an appointment on tuesday and I'll check then. I need to get rid of this 10lbs of weight I gained, plus the additional 20 I was carrying before I got pregnant. Daunting task, but I definitely need to try.

I have had some wicked mood swings lately, going from giddy/cheerful to don't talk to/touch me. And this is on my current meds. I can't imagine how bad it would be without the meds. I found out that my Psychiatrist is covered on my current health plan, so YIPPEE! I don't have to get a new doctor! And, he can see me before Thanksgiving! yay! crappy that I need it, but glad I can get it. Speaking of new health plan, United Health Care SUCKS BALLS!!! I know I'm used to state insurance, but this is so much worse. I live an hour from work, more than that if traffic is slow. But if I don't used this hospital, I have to pay 20% of everything, plus a $1500 deductible. To get the D&C done down where my Ob/gyn was, it would have cost us $1250 walk up cost, not including whatever the 20% of the procedure would be. So we pretty much had to come up here to do the procedure. Which meant MSJ had to drive home. He hates driving in Large City traffic. It's a testament of his love for me that he did it without complaint. Of course, I slept most of the way home, so it's possible I just didn't hear it.

A little dark, but 10 days post procedure (I can't decide if this will be helpful, or just morbid).


Wednesday, November 16, 2011

sad rambling

So, last night was a bad night. I had to tell my Aunt Marsha about the baby. She was the last one, and I was dreading the call. I did ok on the call, but after that I fell apart. Now, the kitchen was dirty, my husband made a big batch of Green Lemon-Egg soup (better than it sounds), and made many dirty pots and pans, and since he's totally a man, they were still sitting the stove 3 days later. This annoyed the heck out of me. So, I loaded as many as I could into the dishwasher, then had to hand wash the rest. This annoyed me even more. I have destroyed several things in the garbage disposal, so I usually keep a strainer-thing over it to keep unwanted items from dropping into. MSJ laughs at me, so last night I decided not to use it. Then I destroyed an important piece to our garlic grinder. Which totally ticked me off. TOTALLY ticked me off. So I yelled, a bit irrationally, and a bit unfairly, at MSJ, that it was his fault since he made fun of me for using the strainer in the first place. Then I burst into tears. He stood looking at me with complete confusion on his poor face. He asked if I was mad at him, or something he did. I assured him it wasn't his fault, it was just hitting me hard again. So I went to take a shower, and it was a total cliche, standing crying in the shower. My sweet kind gently husband got into the shower with me and held me tight and told me he loved me. I finally stopped crying, we went out and watched some funny tv shows (we had to pass several depressing/violent/graphic shows along the way) and then went to bed. I had bad dreams all night. The best, and last one, was that I was trying to take the SAT's and the questions were really obscure and random questions, and I didn't know any of the answers, and everyone around me was turning in their papers really early, and I was running out of time, and then i woke up. I don't know if there is any meaning in that or not. All in all, not a great night. But, as I read going out the door this morning, "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it-Psalms 118:24." I'm not sure about the rejoicing, but I'll at least try not to be disagreeable and bitter.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Walking contradictions...

So, I'm a little better today.  A previous co-worker of mine is pregnant, 1 week ahead of me. Last night we had a girls night out, pedicures and dinner, and I had a beer...because I could (it actually didn't taste that great, but by God I had ordered it and I WAS going to drink it), and she was there.  I initially wasn't sure how I would handle it, but I did ok. I asked them to please not ask questions, that I would talk about it over time, but that right now it's still a pretty open wound and I didn't want to cry last night. Except for 1 question they honored it, so it was ok, and I have pretty toes again.

My new job is going well. Yesterday I helped my lab-mate, Jean, do an animal procedure. It was interesting. She did a tail vein injection, which I've never done, and since this was an important experiment I didn't try it, but I'll have to try that when I get my access to the animal room. It didn't seem hard, just sort of tricky. Plus, one more thing to add to my CV. Thursday I have a meeting with my other boss at the other institution. My job is to sort of bring the 2 labs together at the Large Hospital (LH) where work. It should be an interesting meeting, I'm a little apprehensive about the meeting, but I'm looking forward to it, too. I'm just a walking mass of contradictions lately.

It's also funny, at the last lab the temperature was regularly 71 to F-72.5 degrees and most of the time I was fine. I didn't even wear a jacket half the time. But here, it's 72.3 degrees, and it feels like it's in the 60's. I have my long-sleeved button front on, and I'm STILL chilly. I know, I know, but there's a reason I live where I do. I like hot weather, I'm still comfortable at 90 degrees.

On a sad note again (walking contradiction), I couldn't let the baby pass without something tangible to remember it, so I decided, and MSJ didn't mind, that even though it was too small to tell, that it was girl, and we've (mostly me) have decided to call her Hope. So, even though I didn't get to carry her for very long, she's still my Hope.

Let the tears begin anew...

Saturday, November 12, 2011

OH!

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we celebrated our 1 year anniversary on the 6th.  We went out to a nice seafood restaurant after church, then we watched a football game, then he helped me clean the house a little.  I know it doesn't sound like much, but we both felt like it was a nice day.

Holy crap, ya'll

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.


God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.


Holy crap, ya'll. This has been the most chaotic month.


From the highest high, I'm Pregnant!  Yippee!!!  It only took us 3 months, we were very excited.  This past week, I miscarried. I'm devastated. I know I'm not the only one, but there is little comfort in that when it happens to you. I had to have a D&C yesterday. I'm ok, as long as I'm not talking about it all. Thursday night my Pastor from my last church came over for a visit. I was ok until he started praying, and I started crying. Apparently it was deep and sincere, because I made Pastor T tear up, too. Yesterday as they were wheeling me into the operating room, before they started anesthesia, I started to cry (of course), and, I had my 2 nurses crying, too. Then, in recovery, I was next to a woman who had a C-section and they were discussing names, boy names. It was killing me, and the recovery nurse just kept saying 'It's ok, stop crying'. Because THAT was helpful. I've had some cramping, and a little bleeding, but physically I'm ok. Emotionally, it will take awhile. They said we can start trying again 2 or 3 months, and we don't want to wait too long. I guess I'll know then if I'm ready. 


My new job is good.  I've been at my job 1 week, and I had a miscarriage.  Yep, 1 week. My direct boss, Kevin, is being so generous with my taking time off.  In some jobs, it takes awhile to get started, online training, security clearance, hand's on training, etc.  That means that I'm not doing much right now. So if it had to happen, right now is the time. Kevin just told me to take the time I need to get better. So I got to take Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off, no problem.


A little humor, they also told us that we couldn't have sex for 6 weeks after the procedure. When we asked, MSJ made sure to tell the the Dr that it wasn't just him, that I wanted to know, too. It made the ob/gyn laugh a little.


Also, the new job, the first day, Monday, was a whole day of orientation. So Tuesday was my first day. I got lost. HA! I went to the building I was supposed to go to, but no one had heard of my department, or my PI. I struggled with that for 30 min to an hour.  Finally I called my HR person, and almost in tears, and told him what was going on. He told me to hold on, and he'd have someone call me.  A lady called me back, and I had to go to a different building! She escorted me onto the right floor and into the lab.  It was called the Diabetes Institute.  Now, that WAS NOT the building that was listed on my paperwork. Turns out, the lab was moving to the new building on Friday.  Yes, in 3 days the lab was moving.  So I sort of sat out of the way on Tuesday, on wednesday I sat out of the lab in the new building, staying out of the way.  Late wednesday, I got into the lab, found my desk and bench, pulled out my laptop and started online training. On Thursday I had completed enough training to get my badge access, so I could quit waiting outside the door for someone to let me in. Friday, I got a new computer...this is a sad little Dell computer. It has got to be a baseline model. With a tiny little monitor! My computer at the last lab was MUCH better than this one!!


My last working day at the old lab, Dr. C was, I think, trying to be funny, said, "We all hope that SMB goes to heaven, because if she goes to hell she'll be tormented by all the mice she killed in the last 6 years! But then again, we did get that antibiotic pushed through the CDC, so you might be ok."   WTHeck?!?!?  What does that even mean?  And he's not Christian, so am I condemned Muslim or Hindi hell, or Christian hell?


In an effort to lighten the mood a little, I keep saying things like, well, at least now I can coffee in the morning, AND tea for lunch, I can have a beer now, I can take my allergy pills again, etc. It helps a little, but only very little. 


In the mean time, I'm holding myself together.  MSJ has been a rock, my anchor in this storm. I look at some of the guys I dated, and I can't imagine them taking care of me this well. God did indeed bless me with a great husband.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I'm not gone, just busy! 

My new job starts October 31, my current one ends October 21, I'm taking a week off before the new job.

Very excited, and a little nervous about starting the new job.  Hope it goes well.  It will at least be a different group of people who annoy me, and who I can annoy.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Should I stay or should i go??

Exciting Day!

Yesterday I was offered the position at the Large City Medical Center.  It's for a pretty large hospital system.  I asked for information about the benefits, and oh my gosh!  I didn't realize I had it as good as I do.

The new job you have to pay your own health insurance premium.  Seriously?  You're a HOSPITAL!  Second, they only give 1 day for Christmas.  at my current job I get the WEEK between Christmas and New Year's off, in addition to 7 other holidays during the year.  New job only gets 8! That's it!  Current job offers Sick leave (8 hours/month) and Vacation (currently I'm at 11h/mo) separately.  New job, only 10 hours of PTO/month.  WHAT? I'm losing 8h/mo in sick time!  And parking, let's not talk about parking!

So, it seems like my significant raise will disappear in the face of expensive new benefits. Now I'm torn. Is it worth the loss of benefits, plus the cost of commuting? How badly do I not want to do my job? What if I'm jumping out of the pan and into the fire??

Quick, someone! Tell me what to do!!

Monday, September 12, 2011

It's the little things, ya'll

Yesterday I bought new windshield wipers. This morning I took off the old and busted ones and put on fresh new hotness ones.  Then I got into my car and promptly washed my dirty streak window.

YAY for new windshield wipers!!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

A New Oppurtunity

Recently something big has been looming in my mind. It took me awhile to figure out what it was, but when it did it was like stadium lights in my head.

MSJ and I went to Minnesota to have a vacation with some of his friends from seminary.  It was only a week, but it was so much fun!  The highest temp one afternoon was something like 84, the lows were down in the 60's, we slept with the windows open and a blanket on the bed.  The cabins didn't even HAVE air conditioning!

In the past, when I was on vacation, I enjoyed it, but I was usually not dreading going  back to work.  Not even with my previous PI.  This time, though, the idea that I had to go back to work filled me with dread whenever I thought of it.

Big Conclusion:  I don't like my job anymore!

This totally blew me away. I've never really had a job I dreaded going to. But lately, I have come to abhor some major parts of my job.  One of the key things to our job is bleeding mice so we can test for antibodies and bacterial loads and all sorts of things.  I don't want to do that anymore.  It's starting to hurt me, especially when we have to do it several times on a single animal. Another thing I don't want to do anymore is give animals terrible diseases and watch them die slowly.  I know we do good work, we have helped push an antibiotic through the CDC so that other countries, countries with yearly outbreaks of our agent, have another tool to fight this infection.

So, I decided to start putting out feelers, see what was out there.  Now, I'm not going to do something stupid like quit my job in this economy where NIH approved grants are being cut and grant applications are being rejected at heretofore unseen rates.  But I wanted to see if there was anything else I might be interested in.

So I looked for a couple of weeks, nothing really interesting came up (There was a job listing for an Autopsy Assistant...blech!).  I found a position, it sounded like it might be ok so I submitted my CV for the position.  A lady called me, the position I applied for was for post-doc but they liked my resume, would I Like to come in for an interview? This was for an animal work lab up in the Medical Center which, on a good day, is 30-40 minutes into Large City.  On a bad day, with really bad traffic, it could be up to an hour and a half.  I am not interested, thank you.

Now, I haven't been to an interview in 6 years, so I figured that an interview to a job I had no intention of taking seemed like a good place to  freshen up my interview skills.

OhMyGosh, ya'll, this is a COOL job!!!  There is a hospital system that is setting up a research facility.  There will eventually be something like 100,000 animal cages.  That's HUGE!  And they need people to start up these research labs.  This is such a rare oppurtunity.  To get into a facility at the bottom like this, you never find these jobs, you hear about them but only from people who have been in facilities a long time.  They liked me, it was a good interview, and I was informally told that they thought i would be a good fit and they asked what my salary range would be, and we parted ways. 

I didn't hear anything, so I of course thought the worst.  But I called them last week and they said that yes, they were planning on offering me the job, but they had to CREATE the job for me to fill, and the red tape would take awhile.

But YAY!! fun new job!  Hopefully not a very long learning curve.  New people! Boo, I will have a 2 hour commute, 1h in 1h out.  I think it's still YAY!, though.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

(sigh) Can you disown your brother's family?

So (I love LOVE starting blogs with So)

So, Sunday was the 1 year anniversary of my mom's passing away. MSJ and I went up to see dad. What I thought was happening was that we would go up, meet my Bro and SIL and niece and dad and all go have lunch together and then go to the cemetery. What actually happened was that MSJ and I rushed home from church, changed, let the puppy out for a few minutes, hurried up to dad's, then we and dad went out for a late lunch, where dad didn't eat b/c he ate earlier. THEN we met up with Bro and SIL at the cemetery. yeah, nothing like standing around outside in 100+ heat making small talk. No tension there at all.

I guess I should back up a little.

After mom passed away my Bro and SIL went off the deep end. (while it seemed to come on) Suddenly (but in fact it had been brewing for several years) my Bro and SIL took the stance that, well, here's an excerpt from the last email my Bro sent me:

Let us not be naive in believing that we had perfect parents. I never thought it was funny when you and mom joked about grandma chasing mom/dad all the way to texas. I believed it to be a sad statement about the family...dad never thought it was funny either. Only after my divorce did I start to notice that there was a pattern of complaints about myself in my personal relationships....WE ARE WHAT WE SEE AND ARE TAUGHT. I cannot count the number of times I heard dad say to you or to mom "head up her ass" and it was always regarding you. Wether[sic] it be nature or nurture you and mom have much of what grandma had....grandma did gossip. I'm sure she had other negative things, but I cannot remember them all. Do you not remember grandpa telling grandma "enough Ginny" when she would start it up?...i do. Mom was a little manipulative....a skill I enjoyed using when I was young and to which benefited society when I was a young police officer...you have been manipulative also. If you do not realize it, then we do need to meet so you can learn about yourself. Manipulation is a fine skill if used in the correct situations. Tell me do you see any negative things about me that I learned from dad?....I do. The only way to better ourselves is to listen to the critisizims[sic] of each other WITHOUT getting emotional. I've had much time in the last 17 years to think about things personal/professional/familial(is this a word...is should be) since the night shift allows oneself some time to do nothing but think and contemplate......hence the suggested meeting.


And, apparently, this is nothing compared to what my SIL feels.

It's been a tough year for my brother's family and me. I've had about 10 hours of actual contact with my niece since mom's funeral. That's it. The (perceived or actual) injustices and wrongs go back to before my Niece was born, to even before she was conceived. After several email exchanges of increasing acrimony, I finally sent an email back to Bro that I didn't want to fight anymore. I certainly didn't agree with most of what he said, but I was tired of fighting, let's just start over, let bygones be bygones and start again.

Then in July I got an invitation to my Niece's birthday party. I was surprised, and thrilled. Yay, I thought, A fresh Start! SIL even hugged me and told me she was glad I had been able to come. But alas, on Sunday my SIL didn't speak a word to me, didn't look at me, didn't look at MSJ, and when we were leaving Bro came over and hugged me, and I hugged Niece, and I said that it had been nice seeing Monika again, I got NO response from her. NONE.

Well, at least we don't have to worry about who to make Godparents for any children we might have.

Monday, August 29, 2011

eh, screw it

I like this blog page, so I'm keeping it.

And, I have some funny things to post.

First of all, when you have an important meeting, and said meeting is 45 minutes away in the summer, and you stop at Sonic to get a drink, make sure that the drink is not fluorescent blue, because then your tongue and teeth will also turn blue, and you will spend several minutes in the bathroom using paper towels to try to get some of the blue off of your teeth and lips.

Second, when you have an important meeting and it is in a place you've never been before, double check the map compared to where you are parking, otherwise you will walk the wrong direction for 5 minutes in 100+ heat, then realize what you did, and have to walk BACK 5 minutes in 100+ heat, plus another 3 minute the other direction. You will be hot and sweaty and will need to spend an additional minute or two using paper towels to try to control the sweat pouring out of your body.

On a side note, I may be making a job change. They have contacted my references, and they seemed really interested, and the job looks pretty cool, so I hope to hear from them this week. I'm really excited about the possiblity of this new job.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Hate to have to do this...

Ok, so I've been thinking about this for some time now, and I'm moving my blog. It's lost some, ok a lot, of it's anonymity, and I would like it back.

Either email me or comment and I'll send you the link to the new blog. IRL Friends, please understand that, as an anonymous blog, I need to say things without letting everyone in my world know what I'm saying, so I will be restricting who reads it. Please don't stop being my friend!

~Scientific Lutheran, AKA SMurF

...oops!

Holy Crap! I didn't know it had been this long! Bad Blogger (slaps hand)

Well, in the past few months I've lost a brother/SIL/niece, gained a little more insight into my father, a close friendship is on the edge, I went to my first opera, almost paid off a wedding, and celebrated my 6 month Wedding anniversary.

I've been busy.

Let's start with the list.

Since the new year, my SIL dove off the cliffs of sanity and took my brother and niece with her. My Bro and I are trying to patch things up, but it's not going well. He wants us to get to together to discuss all that's wrong with each other (I get the feeling it will be mostly him telling me all the things wrong with me, not the other way around) and how I've been a bad aunt, sister and SIL for the past 7 years. yeah. I'm looking forward to that one. NOT.

My relationship with Dad is better than it has been in years. He's still terribly lonely, and I do what I can, but in the meantime Dad and I are having actual conversations about life and religion and good stuff like that.

I told a close friend of mine that she's mean sometimes, which she is, but I said it at a bad time in a bad way and I'm not sure how to go about fixing the friendship. Because it's true. she can be mean. I can't say I'm sorry for what I said, but I am for how I said it. I told Matt last night this is the first time I've come to the end of what I'm willing to do for a friendship while I was still friends with the person.

Boy, that's a heck of a return blog.

I'll try for something lighter in a day or 2.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

It's Tuesday. Hello Tuesday!

This morning my husband made oatmeal. Real old-fashioned oatmeal, like the kind that takes 10 minutes on the stove. He put in some blackberries that didn't have much flavor by themselves. The oatmeal was a rather unappetizing shade of purple/blue. I wasn't very sure about it, I was quite afraid that it would make me gag, but he made it and was proud of it, so I ate my half. I also added some Splenda and a few chocolate chips, and it turned out really good. Like a Chocolate Cherry Oatmeal. Which, now that I read it doesn't sound that good, but it tasted fabulous!

Also, I went to a weight loss clinic this morning. I know, this is a controversial thing. 2 of my bestest friends are quite against me taking any drug to lose weight. the one prescribed for me is Tenuate. I've read the info, and while there are definite warnings about extended use and dependency, I don't really want to take it for very long, and it seems like it would be a good way to sort of kick-start me. I just don't have any motivation to go to the gym or exercise or walk or do much of anything. I don't think it's depression, I usually have different symptoms for depression and I'm not exhibiting any of them.

Anyway, I'm going to try it for a few days. just 1/2 a pill, and I'm going to start it once every other day. I'm hoping the excess energy will get my butt into the gym, or at least onto the walking track near the house!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Christmas story

So, funny Christmas story.

We ended up flying to Kansas City, we got a great deal on last-minute flights.

We got to his mom's house around 8pm. The family was all there, and we sat chatting, I was sitting on the floor with my legs out in front of me. Matt got tired and laid down on the floor, and since we were sitting on the floor, he laid his head on my thigh. No problem, we do that. I absently-mindedly started messing with his hair. I caught myself, and then I looked up. Everyone in the room was watching me mess with Matt's hair, and the expressions ranged from dumb-founded to a little horrified. My hand stopped moving and I slowly lowered it back to the floor. Everyone's expression turned to greatly relieved, and the conversation flowed on.

It seriously embarrassed me at the time, but now it's funny.

Ah, in-laws. I'm sure we have many years of story's in front of us!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

A new Year!

Wow

I didn't realize how long I had been gone.

There has been so much that has happened since my last post. I think the reason it's been so long is that there is so much I want to say, and it will just take too long. So, I'm going to pick back up in an attempt at a daily post, and try to back-fill as much as possible.

Let's start with: Yesterday Matt took a sick day, and rather than sit all day and get nothing done he did laundry and ran the dishwasher! I know, I know. I'm a lucky woman!

I forgot my badge yesterday morning, so I had to go all the way home and find my rain coat and get the badge out of it and then come back down here. It was exciting. And pretty annoying, actually.

I really didn't want to come back to work after the Christmas break. I need a nice relaxing vacation. Now WAIT! I hear you cry. Didn't you just go on a Honeymoon, and a Christmas Vacation to see your Husband's family? And I answer (with 1 finger in the air) True! But A) while the honeymoon was a blast, and we had a lot of fun, it wasn't a relaxing vacation. We were trying to live together, 24 hours a day for 7 days, in about 300 sqft of space. And both of us a little anxious about being newly married, and trying to do things to make the other happy, and while it was fun, it was not relaxing. And B) going to see his family was NOT a vacation. It was nice, we had a nice time, I got along ok with his mom and sister and brother and their respective families, but it was NOT a relaxing vacation. So, when Jan 3rd hit, and I had to be back at work, I was not pleased to be back. Not pleased enough to consider, maybe it's time for a new job. Not new, like a new career, but a new research field. One without animals. Or, at least one without animals that I have to bleed. I'll work on the blood, I just don't want to be the one to draw it.

There have also been somethings that I've apparently been holding on to, and I've recently come to the revelation that it is my problem. As in: I'm getting frustrated about things around me, but I'm the one that is having the problem, no one else, so I'm the one who needs to change, I'm the one who needs to either get over it, or get a new job. And, since I figured that out, I've been a little more peaceful about it. I've been in a better mood than I have been in awhile, and it has come through a little self-analysis. I don't like all of the things I've figured out, but at least I have some answers, and that makes it ok.

I guess I'll stop for now.

Here's a honeymoon picture





and 1 from Christmas

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