Thursday, August 19, 2010

What might have been.

UPDATE: Dear Fiance, if you ever read this, please know that this was a momentary lapse. The next morning these feelings were gone, and by the next saturday it was nothing but a fleeting memory. You are the man I was meant to have. God gave me blessings I didn't know he was giving me when he gave me you. I love you!

So, I found a friend on Facebook. An old friend, we met when I was in Grad school. He was an undergrad, my age, but had been in the military and was starting college late.

He was smart, funny, HOT, I was just totally attracted to this guy. I met him, I taught bio lab, not sure which class but I was the TA (ha!) for the class and taught the lab. I was attracted to him while he was in my class, but we didn't do anything about it until after he was done with that class. It was a small school, it probably wouldn't have mattered, but I like to follow the rules.

We dated for awhile, but before it got very far an old girlfriend showed up on the scene. He wanted to try again, so that was the end for us.

Or so I thought.

He re-enlisted and joined the army where he trained to fly helicopters. We talked pretty often via email and phone, there wasn't texting yet, myspace and facebook didn't exist. We talked enough that he paid for me to go see him for the weekend, he was in Alabama for flight school. I had fun, but it was...well, it wasn't easy. You know, sometimes you meet someone and you can talk for hours and it's just easy being together? It wasn't that easy. I had a hard time reading him, and he, well, I think he wanted me to be more like him. But the sex was incredible. The sex was enough to hold up the rest of the weekend.

When he graduated he was stationed up in AK. Shortly after that I moved to where I am now. A series of events, and I went to AK to go see him. Once again, it wasn't easy being together. The sex was still incredible, but it was just a little tense the whole time I was there. I went with a pretty tight budget, and he, well, after a few days we just sort of rubbed each other the wrong way. It was sort of a relief when it was time for me to fly home. For both of us. But the mutual affection and attraction was still there, so we stayed in touch. He deployed several times to Iraq, he was stationed in Germany for awhile, I think. Eventually we lost touch.

There's a LOT that I'm leaving out here, some things I understand now because Hindsight is 20/20 and some things that we've discussed, and some things that I'm guessing at.

But I came across him on Facebook. He's stationed in Central America now. And he is still H.O.T HOT. And age has only made it better. I know what his taste in women is like, at least what his taste used to be, and I know that the way I am now, he wouldn't be physically attracted to me. Now, I'm not bad looking, but I don't have 10% body fat. And I'm not blond enough, and I'm probably just a bit too American at this point. I know he was engaged for awhile to a woman in Germany, but I'm not sure what happened, all he would ever tell me was that it didn't work.

I looked at his profile and read his page and looked at his pictures. And I wonder, What If? What if his ex hadn't come back while we were in school? What if I had planned the AK vacation a little better? What if we stayed in touch a little better? What if I was still a size 6? Would any of it have made a difference?

BF made a statement a long time back now, he said that right now the world is exactly where the world is supposed to be. In that, the world with regards to Global Warming and Nuclear Arms and Politics and War and all of the bad things, everything is where God has already arranged it to be, and that God has already taken care of it all.

So, does that mean I am where I am supposed to be? That all of the men in my past, all of the things that have happened, all of the things that DIDN'T happen, that God has me right where he intends me to be?

I look at that profile, and part of me wants to run away to South America. I've never been to Honduras. Nothing like an adventure, right? Not that anything would happen, even if I WAS ball-sy (re crazy) enough to randomly fly down to Honduras, find the base, manage to get on base, and then without getting killed or arrested or sent to an insane asylum, find him, because we tried a couple of times in the past 11 years. It just didn't work. Whatever it was that I was or wasn't, that he was or wasn't, we just didn't work together.

Now, I have several guys that I knew that fit this general pattern. We tried, it just didn't work, for a variety of reasons. Some were me, some were them, some were both of us.

This BF, this is a big thing. We're going to get married. Probably on November 6th. Once this thing is done, that's it. It's done, and it can't be undone. Once I say those words, all of the others, the What Ifs, Might Have Beens, Should Have Trieds, those are gone. shit. what the hell am I doing??


rockle said...

zomg i just realized ... you are ACTUALLY getting married! squee! that's wonderful, congratulations!

and let me tell you, as a veteran old married person (11+ years, plus 5½ years dating before we got married) -- the what ifs? they never go away.

BUT. the "so whats?" they're pretty awesome, too.

or, in other words: i think the BF is right. the universe has a way of course-correcting itself, and we all end up where we're supposed to be.

what if? ... so what?

mamabird said...

Wonderful news! Congratulations!

Cynthia said...

The week before I moved in with Rod, I ran into this guy that I had a crush on for years from the running store out at a bar. It was annoying. Like, hello universe, THIS is the time to run into him out in public?

The good news is that I moved in with Rod and lived happily ever after. But you will always wonder what if.

You also have the option of slowing things down. What's the hurry? Shouldn't you force all of the women you have been a bridesmaid for to travel and buy you gifts at engagement parties, showers, and a bachelorette party? ;)

Cynthia said...

Also, when I started reading this, I thought, "OH JESUS! NOT THAT GUY!" or something more colorful. So, trust me, you are doing the right thing.