Monday, August 30, 2010

Day 2

I didn't go to work today. I meant to go to work.

For the last 2 nights my fiance, my Pastor fiance, let me spend the night. Just so that I wasn't alone. I'm glad. I don't think I would have slept much the last 2 nights otherwise. But I did sleep.

We got up late this morning. Awesome Fiance let me sleep in, so he was late this morning, too. I came home and started cleaning and doing laundry and then it was noon. So I ate, and then it was 3, and then it seemed dumb to go in for 1 hour.

So, I'll go to work and face the world tomorrow.


My mom passed away on Saturday morning. The funeral will be on Saturday morning, we need to give family a chance to get into town.

I'm sad and relieved and lots of other emotions.

Truth is, I lost my mom several years ago. She's been sick for 2 years, and she's been slowly slipping away. She died peacefully, she was in hospice with respiratory failure from the pneumonia. They had her on morphine to help relieve the oxygenation starvation. I think the morphine helped her to relax, and she just stopped fighting. Dad is taking it better than I thought he would.

My brother and his wife were upset with me, it's too much to go into right now. But I've left the majority of the funeral and burial arrangements to them and at least my SIL is better towards me. That's good, because I just couldn't handle more emotion or drama right now.

And Fiance has been a rock. I know I could handle all of this by myself, but it's been so much easier with him beside me.

I'm not sure how much posting I'll be doing, but I'm going to try, just as a sort of diary.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Best, and The Worst

Matthew proposed to me last night, it was so sweet and romantic and awesome, and the ring is beautiful! I've been keeping it from my friends, but I helped pick it out a couple of weeks back, but it's so much prettier than I could have imagined.

The doctors came in with the news today, based on the CT and x-rays from yesterday they are recommending hospice care to begin immediately.

They expect mom to live another 3-5 weeks.

We're going to do a bit of a trick for my mom. I'm going to go buy my dress next week and we'll have a wedding wherever mom is, home or hospice center or wherever, Matthew and Dad can wear nice suits and I'll wear the dress and Brent and Monika, if they will bother themselves to be involved, can dress up with Emma and we'll have a 'wedding'. That way mom will get to see us get married.

Then on November 6th we'll have the real wedding. It will be a terribly happy and a terribly sad occasion. Michelle, you need to find the most tear-proof mascara you can find, because I'm gonna be a wreck.

I don't have a prayer. This really calls for one, but I just don't have one.

Monday, August 23, 2010

This isn't my fault, people!!

A while back my dad changed his will.

He changed it and made me the executor, not my brother. My dad's estate is in 7 figures. It's cash, stocks, bonds and property.

My brother tends to be emotional with regards to his money. He has stated more than once that the US market is crap and he wants to begin investing in the European market. He's not financially savvy enough to do this, and he could lose everything pretty quickly.

He has also stated that he feels like the US isn't the best place to live anymore and wants to move to Europe when he retires, because he feels like it would be a better life.

So my dad changed the will. He needed Bro and SIL to sign the new document. They were understandably upset.

Fast forward to the next time I went home. Dad was upset because Bro and SIL were mad at him and weren't talking to him. I told him I guess I could kind of see it, and that I wished I would have been able to be there. Dad told me that no, it was good that I wasn't there.

Later he told me some of what was said. And it seems that Bro and SIL think less of me than I had originally thought. Something about I was jealous of him because they had a kid, and that I had manipulated Dad and that was why he was helping me financially, and I'm not sure what all else. I was quite noticeably upset, so dad quit telling me, just that it was good that I wasn't there.

What with mom being in the hospital and me needing to relay messages, I've had to talk to them several times. SIL has cooled considerably. She was borderline rude when I spoke with her yesterday. I asked about my niece, and she thawed a little bit, but then it was 'You need to call Bro, OK? Ok, Bye' and she hung up.

Spoke with my Bro last night, to see if he would be able to be here this morning for when the Dr.'s came in on their rounds. He was flat out rude, and ended the conversation by telling me that they couldn't be there and I would just have to take care of it on my own.

Ah. So, that's it. If dad changed the will like that, then it will now be my burden to be the primary care-taker of them.

But, why they're mad at me I dont' know. I didn't ask dad to change the will. I do think it's a good idea, but I never voiced that to either dad or bro.

I'm not going to be able to do this without Bro and SIL's help. I live 2 hours away, and that will mean that bro and sil will have to help when I'm not able to be there. The will change shouldn't affect that. But it will. It already does.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


Mom is in the Large Cancer Hospital.

She was admitted on Friday evening. She has pneumonia in both lungs, but it seems to be responding to the antibiotics. At least, draining her right lung doesn't hurt anymore, so I think that's good.

Yesterday when she would move around her stats would hold, her blood pressure, heart rate and blood ox would hold. This morning they're a little shakier, her blood oxygen is staying in the low 90's and drops to the high 80's when she moves around.

There is no telling how long she'll be in here.

I have some time available in the next day or two, so I should be able to stay here for a day or two, just to keep an eye on dad and talk to the doctors.

Dad is ok as long as no one talks about Worst Case, then he completely falls apart. Completely. I've never actually seen anyone wring their hands. I'm worried he might pull his fingers off.

BF came with me yesterday, we spent a little time. Today I came on my own. Dad needed to go home, so I'm relieving him today. I'll go home this afternoon/evening. I need to start some laundry, and it's beach night. I would like to go to the beach today. I get the feeling i'll need some down time in the next few days.

She's on IV ciprofloxicin. That's going to give her a yeast infection. Possibly the most uncomfortable non-serious thing to endure while in the hospital.

Getting old sucks. Getting this sick sucks worse. Total loss of dignity and privacy.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

What might have been.

UPDATE: Dear Fiance, if you ever read this, please know that this was a momentary lapse. The next morning these feelings were gone, and by the next saturday it was nothing but a fleeting memory. You are the man I was meant to have. God gave me blessings I didn't know he was giving me when he gave me you. I love you!

So, I found a friend on Facebook. An old friend, we met when I was in Grad school. He was an undergrad, my age, but had been in the military and was starting college late.

He was smart, funny, HOT, I was just totally attracted to this guy. I met him, I taught bio lab, not sure which class but I was the TA (ha!) for the class and taught the lab. I was attracted to him while he was in my class, but we didn't do anything about it until after he was done with that class. It was a small school, it probably wouldn't have mattered, but I like to follow the rules.

We dated for awhile, but before it got very far an old girlfriend showed up on the scene. He wanted to try again, so that was the end for us.

Or so I thought.

He re-enlisted and joined the army where he trained to fly helicopters. We talked pretty often via email and phone, there wasn't texting yet, myspace and facebook didn't exist. We talked enough that he paid for me to go see him for the weekend, he was in Alabama for flight school. I had fun, but it was...well, it wasn't easy. You know, sometimes you meet someone and you can talk for hours and it's just easy being together? It wasn't that easy. I had a hard time reading him, and he, well, I think he wanted me to be more like him. But the sex was incredible. The sex was enough to hold up the rest of the weekend.

When he graduated he was stationed up in AK. Shortly after that I moved to where I am now. A series of events, and I went to AK to go see him. Once again, it wasn't easy being together. The sex was still incredible, but it was just a little tense the whole time I was there. I went with a pretty tight budget, and he, well, after a few days we just sort of rubbed each other the wrong way. It was sort of a relief when it was time for me to fly home. For both of us. But the mutual affection and attraction was still there, so we stayed in touch. He deployed several times to Iraq, he was stationed in Germany for awhile, I think. Eventually we lost touch.

There's a LOT that I'm leaving out here, some things I understand now because Hindsight is 20/20 and some things that we've discussed, and some things that I'm guessing at.

But I came across him on Facebook. He's stationed in Central America now. And he is still H.O.T HOT. And age has only made it better. I know what his taste in women is like, at least what his taste used to be, and I know that the way I am now, he wouldn't be physically attracted to me. Now, I'm not bad looking, but I don't have 10% body fat. And I'm not blond enough, and I'm probably just a bit too American at this point. I know he was engaged for awhile to a woman in Germany, but I'm not sure what happened, all he would ever tell me was that it didn't work.

I looked at his profile and read his page and looked at his pictures. And I wonder, What If? What if his ex hadn't come back while we were in school? What if I had planned the AK vacation a little better? What if we stayed in touch a little better? What if I was still a size 6? Would any of it have made a difference?

BF made a statement a long time back now, he said that right now the world is exactly where the world is supposed to be. In that, the world with regards to Global Warming and Nuclear Arms and Politics and War and all of the bad things, everything is where God has already arranged it to be, and that God has already taken care of it all.

So, does that mean I am where I am supposed to be? That all of the men in my past, all of the things that have happened, all of the things that DIDN'T happen, that God has me right where he intends me to be?

I look at that profile, and part of me wants to run away to South America. I've never been to Honduras. Nothing like an adventure, right? Not that anything would happen, even if I WAS ball-sy (re crazy) enough to randomly fly down to Honduras, find the base, manage to get on base, and then without getting killed or arrested or sent to an insane asylum, find him, because we tried a couple of times in the past 11 years. It just didn't work. Whatever it was that I was or wasn't, that he was or wasn't, we just didn't work together.

Now, I have several guys that I knew that fit this general pattern. We tried, it just didn't work, for a variety of reasons. Some were me, some were them, some were both of us.

This BF, this is a big thing. We're going to get married. Probably on November 6th. Once this thing is done, that's it. It's done, and it can't be undone. Once I say those words, all of the others, the What Ifs, Might Have Beens, Should Have Trieds, those are gone. shit. what the hell am I doing??

Thursday, August 12, 2010

A rather expensive cheeseburger

So, tuesday night I couldn't sleep. Not sure why, but by the time I looked at the clock to see what time it was, it was too late to take a sleeping pill. The end result was that I didn't go to sleep until after 4am.

I emailed in to work that I'd be late and slept until about 11am (I have a great job like that) and I felt much better. by the time I got out of the house it was close to noon so I stopped at McDonalds for lunch.

They have a value meal, 2 Cheeseburgers fries and drink. I didn't really need the 2 cheeseburgers, but I was really drawn to that value meal. It cost me $5.20.

I managed to get out of McDonalds without my drink. The cashier forgot to give me a cup and I forgot to ask for one.

Once outside there was a homeless guy sitting on the sidewalk. He asked for change, I didn't have any, I kept walking, got to my car, and then realized that I had bought the 2 cheeseburger meal. It was like a shot through my brain, this was the reason (it seemed) that I bought the 2 cheeseburger meal. So I got back out of my car and took the guy my extra cheeseburger.

I got to work, where my co-workers were already eating lunch, so I joined them. I set my fries in the middle of the table so we could all share. I ate my cheeseburger and half the fries before my friend, who had only eaten a few fries, asked, 'Do you still want those?'. I said I guessed not, I didn't reallly need the calories, so she tossed them in the trash.

End: I paid $5.20 for an $0.89 cheeseburger.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

So, I'm a wuss

Oh My Gosh! (have to clean up the language for the Pastor Boyfriend!)

I started cardio at the local gym yesterday,(because I need to be sexy for our honeymoon), and it made my ankle a little sore (I know, I'm a wuss) so I wrapped it overnight last night, and the wrap bruised my foot! The outside of my foot was swollen and purple this morning, and it HURT! I put an ice pack on it, and took a nap this morning on my couch. The swelling is gone, but it's still pretty tender.

Tomorrow I'm going to the gym, even if I have to do the recline bike. Or maybe the spin bike? Whatever, I AM going to the gym tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my mom's Birthday but she has Dr. appointments all day, so my mom, dad, Brother, SIL and niece are coming this direction tonight and will meet up with BF and I for dinner.

It should be fine, BF can take care of himself, but I'm a little nervous about it anyway.

If anything exciting happens I'll post it tomorrow. Hopefully my brother will behave himself.