Tuesday, May 18, 2010

are we sure today wasn't a monday?

Today we went to Large Cancer Hospital to have the appointment.

My brother called me Monday afternoon, did I think he needed to go in with us.

Now, several things here. 1) I REALLY REALLY didn't want it to be cancer, so I told him, truthfully, that I was expecting an uneventful appointment, and 2) My brother and mom and dad don't get along so well. He often brings conflict with him into situations with all of us. The end being, brother didn't go with us, but SIL and niece came instead.

2 of the 3 biopsies they did were positive. Like, really positive. I could see how hard it hit dad. It really took his feet out from under him. I tried to hug him, tell him that he wasn't walking alone, that we'd be there too, but he was too deep, I don't know if he couldn't hear me, or if he heard me but was shutting me out. He stepped away from me, physically. I don't know what to do to help him. I'm not sure there is anything I CAN do to help him.

So next wednesday they will start early, 8-ish with a chest x-ray and blood work, then move to a CT scan and a PET scan. I think there was another test in there somewhere. Dad proceeds to tell us that he doesn't know why we would want to come, all that's going to happen was he would take her from test to test. I told him I didn't care, that I or SIL or brother, or 2 or all 3 of us would be there. Because the time for him doing it all on his own is done. The time for any of us to do it on our own is done.

Dad didn't tell me, and I guess I saw it I just didn't think about the implications. Mom's voice has been getting weaker. She just doesn't have much volume right now. Dr took several long seconds palpating her neck. He's worried that the original tumor in her neck is growing again, pressing on nerves.

Mom also has a spot, a mole on her shoulder, that looks BAD. Like skin cancer bad. The didn't refer her to Dermatology, they referred her to the Fine Needle Aspiration Clinic. He bypassed the dermatologist altogether.

All in all, the Dr. didn't have good news this visit. And he wasn't happy about that. None of us was happy about that.

We can't stop what's coming. All we can do is prepare the best we can. It's a bit like looking at a hurricane bearing down on us. It's not coming fast like a tornado. It's coming slowly, and getting bigger the whole time. And even if we don't catch the eye, we're still going to have a lot of damage.

Dear God, Give us shelter from this storm. Amen.


rockle said...

oh, man. just ... oh, man. will keep you all in my prayers.

SUEB0B said...

I'm so sorry to hear that. Big hugs.