However it has been pointed out lately that I'm selfish and self-centered. I was accused only once of being narcissistic, but the accusation wasn't repeated and after reading what a Narcissistic personality looks like I would take great offense and be quite insulted if I was ever accused so again.
As the youngest child things often went my way just because I was the last one. There were only 2 of us, but I was younger by enough years that my brother didn't want to do any of the things I was doing, and he was gone to college by the time I was in high school. Within reason, pretty much what I preferred we did. But, I was pretty easy going, so often whatever my parents wanted to do, I'd be ok with.
My question is this:
How do you step outside of yourself, look at your actions and reasons objectively, dispassionately, and tell if your motives are largely self-serving?
I admit that often at work I make plans, and then I present them, but it's not that I do it because I don't care what other people are doing, or how it will impact them. Often it's because we need a starting point, a plan to work from. So I set a plan, but it's not usually meant to be set in stone. If someone has a conflict we all need to work around it.
At least that's how it seems in my mind.
But lately it's been pointed out that I don't present it that way, that I present it as ,"This Is The Plan!"
How do you step back from yourself and determine your motives? And especially in the moment, how do you insert the filters so that you start to look for that?
And then, beyond that, what the heck do I tell myself at midnight, when it comes creeping up on me, that I must be a terrible person to work with, to work for, to even be in the same lab with.
I've never thought of myself as a selfish person. In fact, always the opposite.
Which leads me to:
What do I believe about myself? Do I believe what is inside me? Do I believe my heart, my mind, my faith? Or do I believe what someone else is saying about me, to me? Who's right? It's so easy to self-deceive, to convince yourself that you're one thing, when the opposite is true. But if you can't believe in yourself, who can you believe in?
Are you still selfish if you question whether or not you are? Or is it that, if you have to ask you probably are?
to quote a labmate: Life is not easy.