Monday, April 26, 2010

With friends like this

Ok, so maybe I'm a little selfish at work. But now that I know it, I'm taking steps to correct it. I'm trying to see where and when it's happening, and I'm trying to do better.

This morning my co-worker/'friend?' told me that she isn't paid enough to deal with me, and that if I want to know more about the upcoming experiments I need to talk to our boss.


(sigh/small laugh/Igiveup gesture)

Don't know what to do now. I guess keep trying. But the friendship? Just took a Major blow, and the vessel is listing precariously.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Another Existential Question

Let me start this by saying that I'm not, by nature, a malicious or manipulative. At least, from inside my head, I don't do things that are malicious or manipulative in their inception or execution. I do have a mean streak, but it's very narrow, and it rarely determines my decisions or actions.

However it has been pointed out lately that I'm selfish and self-centered. I was accused only once of being narcissistic, but the accusation wasn't repeated and after reading what a Narcissistic personality looks like I would take great offense and be quite insulted if I was ever accused so again.

As the youngest child things often went my way just because I was the last one. There were only 2 of us, but I was younger by enough years that my brother didn't want to do any of the things I was doing, and he was gone to college by the time I was in high school. Within reason, pretty much what I preferred we did. But, I was pretty easy going, so often whatever my parents wanted to do, I'd be ok with.

My question is this:

How do you step outside of yourself, look at your actions and reasons objectively, dispassionately, and tell if your motives are largely self-serving?

I admit that often at work I make plans, and then I present them, but it's not that I do it because I don't care what other people are doing, or how it will impact them. Often it's because we need a starting point, a plan to work from. So I set a plan, but it's not usually meant to be set in stone. If someone has a conflict we all need to work around it.

At least that's how it seems in my mind.

But lately it's been pointed out that I don't present it that way, that I present it as ,"This Is The Plan!"

How do you step back from yourself and determine your motives? And especially in the moment, how do you insert the filters so that you start to look for that?

And then, beyond that, what the heck do I tell myself at midnight, when it comes creeping up on me, that I must be a terrible person to work with, to work for, to even be in the same lab with.

I've never thought of myself as a selfish person. In fact, always the opposite.

Which leads me to:

What do I believe about myself? Do I believe what is inside me? Do I believe my heart, my mind, my faith? Or do I believe what someone else is saying about me, to me? Who's right? It's so easy to self-deceive, to convince yourself that you're one thing, when the opposite is true. But if you can't believe in yourself, who can you believe in?

Are you still selfish if you question whether or not you are? Or is it that, if you have to ask you probably are?

to quote a labmate: Life is not easy.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


And on that note, MTAE, (if you're still around since I've been very lax about posting lately) I have roughly 900 sqft of attic that I need to insulate. There is a furnace up there that I'll have to work around. Would blown insulation be the way to go, or the roll-out stuff?

Monday, April 12, 2010

yard work

Update: so, the bruise has spread out and is about 6" long now. I'd take a picture of it, but then I had second thoughts about posting a picture of my butt on my blog. So you'll just have to imagine it. :D

It rained on saturday. most of the day. I was going to work in the yard, mow and flower beds and stuff like that. But it rained. So I decided that I would clean out my attic. It still had books and crap like that leftover from the previous owner.

I was almost done and I tripped. I didn't want to fall through the ceiling so I twisted sort of funny and landed on my butt on a beam.

I have a bruise on my butt that is about 3" in diameter. And dark purple. and there's a knot under it. It was fun sleeping saturday night, because every time I rolled over it hurt enough to break into my dreams. Church was fun, too, because my slacks were a little tight and every time I stood up or sat down it hurt.

Then on Sunday, where the weather was very nice, I push-mowed my yard, tried to pull the worst of the weeds out of my back yard and mowed that and then planted flowers in my flower bed.

*And on the flower bed thing, I have something tearing up my flower beds! I didn't think racoons went after flowers, so I'm thinking possum again? Or maybe an armadillo? I'm going to have to go get another stupid trap and see what I can catch this time.*

I thought all of the bending and stretching would help break up the bruise. It sort of worked. The bruise got bigger around and the knot went down a little, but it still hurty pretty bad.

So Monday I go to my pilates class, only to find out that it hurt when I would roll over it. There are several excercises that we needed to skip because it hurt when I did them. And not in a good stretching muscle and reaching further way, in an Ouch! That freaking Hurt! sort of way. And again, the knot went down, but the bruise is now at 3".

But, I still have my ceiling intact.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Spring planting

I planted 2 hydrangea bushes, purple, 2 black elephant ears, and I wasn't paying attention and bought a butterfly bush, but when I read the details after I received it I realized that it grows 6-8' (that feet, not inches) and needs 6' clearance (that's feet, not inches). It wasn't going to fit in the place I wanted it to, so I had to put it in a different spot. I also planted a rubber tree that was floundering in a pot. I cut a lot back so I hope it will transplant ok. If not, that's ok, too. I had a spot where nothing likes to grow so I put some aloe there. Aloe can grow anywhere so I'm hoping it will fill in that little spot. I'll wait 2 or 3 weeks and see what the plants do. If all goes well I'll start adding some annuals for color.

I couldn't find my turning fork so I had to break the ground with a hoe. My back and my hands are going to be so sore tomorrow. It's an ibuprofen AND acetaminophen night. But at least I don't have any blisters.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I paid a guy to come clean out my front flower beds. They were in terrible shape, weeds and misshapen old bushes that didn't bloom anymore and my poor dead hibiscus (died from our 3 days of 28F never gets that cold down here, and if it does it doesn't STAY that cold for 3 days) and just in general cleaned up the beds.

I came home and am very excited. It's like a blank piece of paper...or, well, computer screen. I've already bought some plants that are ready to go in the ground, I'm getting a plan worked up. When I moved into the house I put all of my potted plants in the back yard and they've sat there for 3 years. I have a place for 4 of them, my 4 favorite plants, to go in the beds. I'm going to plant it like it won't freeze again next year. I guess if it does I'll just buy some cheap sheets and cover them. I even have a spot for some aloe to take over.

So I'm going home for Easter, but I'm probably going to leave early Sunday and come home and plant.

I'm so excited. Maybe too excited. Is it a little dorky to be this excited about plants? Maybe it's taking pride in the house? That's it! I'm just excited to be making my house and yard look nice. Ok, I'll go with that.

So late summer early fall, the Back Yard! DUHDuhduh (that's a sound effect. Starts off high and loud and goes to lower and softer)