Sometimes I feel like life is slipping past me. I look up and CRAP! 35? How the hell did that happen!?
Invariably I will find an old friend or boyfriend that I haven't seen for years on facebook. I look at their profile, look at pictures of their spouses and kids, and wonder what went wrong?
This is especially true of the old boyfriends. Was I clueless as the opportunities passed me by? Was there a chance for it to be me,and I wasn't paying attention? or did I say or do something at the wrong time? or is it actually me, that I'm somehow sabotaging myself in relationships?
I look at my friend's lives and compare them to my own. I know you shouldn't do that. Pictures don't tell you the whole story. You don't know about the fights, the lies and broken promises, the heartaches that they all carry with them. About the time they almost ended it because it just got too hard. Pictures are little windows into a life, but just that. A window, a clear spot to look at, no sound or voice to go with it, no narration in the background.
I used to say that everyone had their cross to bear, and that maybe mine was to be single. I meant it, but I meant it superficially. Like, I meant it for the short term. Lately, though, I'm beginning to wonder exactly how right I was. Is this really going to be the cross I bear? To be single? To watch my friends and family follow a path I won't get the chance to follow?
Logically I know that this isn't the worst thing in the world. I could have a cheating spouse, a drinker or gambler or a workaholic, or that he's a terrible dad or an absentee dad. Or I could have had an mentally/emotionally/physically abusive boyfriend that led to a terrible marriage. Logically I know that married people sometimes envy my life of no kids and no husband. But most of them wouldn't trade their irritating husband and demanding kids for my life of freedom.
Emotionally, logic falls away and I'm left to wonder if life is really passing me by. I'm left to wonder, Why?
hmm. Upon re-reading this, I'm wondering, is this actually a good post? or is it overly-emotional dribble? let me know in the comments.
PSS Ok, I've read this several times now, and I think maybe, just maybe, I'm a little emotional and dramatic lately. The sentiment here is true, but omg is that dramatic. I just need to clarify, life isn't too bad right now. I have a good job, weekends off for a couple of weeks, a 7 day cruise in 12 days, friends to hang out with and a movie/game night coming up. I had dinner tonight with a friend, after a good pilates class. I have it pretty good, even if I am at the moment boyfriend-less.