Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I don't have a good title for this. I was shooting for something meaningful, then for something funny, but I'll settle for this long rambling one

This past friday I hooked up with one of my 'special friends'

He was in town to talk to some work contact, so he came in Friday night and we spent the evening together and he did his work stuff on saturday.

It was very nice. We had a nice dinner and drinks in a little dive on the west side of the Large City I live near. He had a nice hotel room. We had some really awesome sex. He did some work on his computer while I enjoyed cable tv. I had someone to sleep next too, I love sleeping with someone warm and cuddly. We woke up and had sex again. We took showers, kissed goodbye, and drove off to our respective destinations. When he's in town again one of these days, he'll let me know and we'll do it again.

This is all that this relationship will ever be. It will never progress beyond this. I made my peace with that a long time ago. I have made contact several times through the years. I didn't have to do that. He has made contact with me several times through the years. I didn't have to return his calls. I could have allowed it to die a natural death.

I've been thinking since friday why I continue with this. I feel genuine affection for this man, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. He's funny and smart and I think he's sexy, though I know others will disagree with me. He always treats me with respect and is never rude or insulting. I've figured out that what he brings is an intimacy. We've known each other a lot of years, and while I don't even pretend to know his life, and he mine, we still have a connection that was forged and refined over many years.

But while I was driving to meet him, and most of the weekend after, I kept thinking that while it was nice to have that bit of affection and close contact, I really wanted more. I want that, but I want much more than that. I want someone who is like that all the time.

I want a boyfriend. Someone to watch crappy movies with, go out and eat with, hang out with and hang out with friends with. Someone to curl up with at night. I want that intimacy, to know someone so well that you don't have to 'do' anything, that just being together is enough.

One of these days I'll find a serious relationship. When that happens, what we had will die. I might occasionally text or email him and see how his life is going, but the intimate connection will be broken. I'll be sort of sorry that day. It amazes me now, thinking of it, that I will be sad to let go of that part of my life, of that small interaction. He is a link to a younger me, a more innocent me. A person I will never be again.

He is the last remaining vestige of the young woman that I was. I will miss him when he's gone, because he will take a piece of me with him. I hope he feels the same way. Not with regret because of what won't be, but with affection of what was.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Very short rant

I'm really tired of the quote:

" You may be only one person in the world, but you may be the world to one person. "

It was nice when I heard the song. It was ok the first 300 time I heard/read it. Now, it annoys me.

Dear Compulsive Email Forwarders: Get a new quote!! Sincerely, SMurF.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I'm back.

So.

I have gotten out of the habit of blogging. And it is a habit, paying attention to what is happening on a daily basis and thinking about what to write about and how to write. For me, this is an exercise that I take a bit of pleasure in. Finding the right words to say what I want to say and how to make feelings and ideas and visual things come to life on a blank page. or white computer screen. whichever.

This morning my brand-new Godson was baptized. (side: [in a baby voice] he's so cute!!) And as such events can be, they are fraught with family drama. His Family vs. Her Family. In-laws, extended family, and small children. All of which can be prone to over-reactions and melt downs.

However, I am reminded once again to look around very carefully before you say something you might not want to be overheard saying.

It was innocuous enough a comment, but since I know some of the back story, it was rather catty and a little uncalled for. And since I am one of the mom's best friends and the baby's baptismal sponsor and it was a rather small room, the smart and politically correct thing to do would have been to LOOK AROUND and see who else was close by. Also, you need to be very sure of the person you are talking to. Just because someone is nice to you and is laughing with you does not mean that they are on your side. After all, you keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Friends reading blogs.

My very good friend MLK reads this blog.

I made a post awhile back and while the content was right, the application was too passive-aggressive. It involved MLK.

And she will undoubtedly get upset that I'm writing this rather than just saying it.

But I'm much better on paper. I have the chance to think thoughts through, to choose the best words to project what I'm trying to say and do it without the emotion that usually gets in the way verbally.

Awhile back, MLK finally had it with her psycho boss and through a series of events ended up in my lab. So far the friendship has held up, despite being quite different in our approach to research.

We sometimes have a hard time working together. She was in a lab alone for 3 years, and it's been a bit of a transition for her. And apparently, I'm not used to working with the same person all day. Prior to MLK working in our lab, I worked with 1 person (obnoxious grad student, who is, btw, GONE from campus!!! yeah!) for the animal stuff, another person with the experiment stuff, and by myself for the admin stuff I do. I'm not used to having to explain or justify why I do things, and I'm not used to having to take other people's opinions into account. Previously, when I did the animal stuff, I did it, and others helped me. But I did the planning, the writing, the documenting and the data analysis. I had help challenging and checking animals. And no one really wanted or cared to help me with the other stuff. Which, it turns out, was FINE with me.

So sometimes I'm thinking something and I forget to include MLK in my thinking. Sometimes I feel like an idea is wrong, but I can't with any logic explain why. Often the logic behind it will come to me several days later, but by then it is too late.

Sometimes MLK and I aren't on the same clock. She moves slower than I do. Sometimes MUCH slower than I do. Most days I just take a breath, smile, and move on. Some days, though, I just want to scream MMMOOOOOVVVVEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! At that point I stop, take 2 or 3 deep breaths, and then smile and move on.

I haven't been blogging because some of the things I need to blog about include MLK. And I know she reads my blog.

So this is where I am.

Do I continue to (can't find the right word...not edit, but.....?? starts with con...??) edit myself? Or do I press through?

My first thought is that this is my blog, this is my voice. Good or bad, right or wrong, nice or not, this is my voice. I try to make this place true to my voice, that what I present here is who I am.

MLK, you're one of my best friends. We have to work this out, because I miss writing in my blog.

Dear God, give me the right words. Amen.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Envy, regret and age

Last night at my gym class there was a mother/daughter combo who have started coming.

The mother is close to my age, maybe a little older. Out of shape, but not overweight. Well, not obviously so.

The daughter is mid teens. She wasn't wearing a bra. And she didn't need one. She had a little tiny waist. Not much coordination.

I remember when I didn't need a bra. I could wear a size 0 jean. I don't envy her youth. I don't envy the hard lessons she has yet to learn. I don't envy the broken hearts she hasn't had yet. I do envy the lack of bra and tiny waist. I envy the cute tops she can still pull off. I envy the realization that her entire life is before her, and she can choose whichever path she wants.

I regret the extra 40 pounds, but not the years it has taken me to get them. I regret some of the choices I've made, but I don't regret the big ones. And I still say that I when I get old, I want to regret the chances I've taken, not the ones I was scared to.

But I REALLY envy the being able to not wear a bra. I REALLY REALLY envy that.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

My dad

I've realized something today.

My dad coming to help me paint my bedroom has less to do than me and more to do with him.

He's bored, and he's not doing this for me, he's doing this for him.
Coming to help me he has to travel with mom and all of mom's medicine and equipment. He has to worry about mom. He has to mix and paint and clean and think and paint some more.

I'm sure he doesn't realize this, I can tell by the way he acts, in his mind he's saving his poor single daughter. He's taking care of me. And I guess I'm a good enough daughter that I'm willing to let him.

Dear God, help me remember that often life isn't about me. It's more often than not about my friends and family and how we take care of each other. Give me the insight to tell the difference, and the grace to do what's best. Amen.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

2 new websites

Ok, I found 2 new websites that had me rolling on the floor.

check out

I had to post this: Lies parents tell

And

People of Walmart

Both made me laugh out loud, and the world can always use more laughter.

help

Upon reading the last couple of posts, my blog has taken a decidedly depressing and whiny tone.

I apologize for that.

My dad is coming on saturday to help me finish the paint in my bedroom.

He was going to come help me thursday. I said, 'Well, I have to work, so if you do that, you'll have to do it alone. How about Saturday?'

Oh! Well, I guess we could do that!

...

Dad, see there's this thing called a job

Seriously, once you retire do you think everyone else in your world has retired? It wasn't that long ago that both of my parents worked full time jobs.

Anyway, my bedroom will be painted by sunday. I'm ready.

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