I haven't been in a very Christmas'y mood this year. In fact, not for several years. I mean, as a religious season I like it, but I'm not personally excited about Christmas. Family is so hard right now, and has been now for several years. I miss my mom. I miss her infectious laughter and her joy of the season.
I was told that I just needed to decorate for Christmas and that I'd feel more Christmas-y. I tried that the last 2 years, and it didn't really help.
I did a Christmas Party this year. My house isn't big enough, so my friend Matthew let me use his house. This has created a flurry of twitters and winking at me. See, my friends are quite convinced that Matthew and I should date. I have thought about it, and I am of two minds. I can't decide if he's completely clueless, and it just doesn't dawn on him, or he's considered it and decided against it. And based on my dating past, recently, and not so recently, I'm not overly willing to put myself into another situation where I can be rejected. Again.
That sort of went the wrong way.
Ok, try again. We had a Christmas party saturday night. It was fun, there were 12 adults and 7 kids. The kids ranged from 6 years to 4 months. It cracked me up to listen to all of those kids run screaming through the house. They were laughing and playing and running in circles through the house. The parents kept trying to get them to calm down but it was pretty much a pointless gesture. Sugar and caffeine and new friends and presents make for excited children.
Those kids running around the house made me feel like Christmas more than anything has for several years. Those were Christmas parties when I was a kid.
When we went north to Illinois for Christmas as kids, we spent Christmas Eve at a family friend's house, the family of my dad's best friend when he was in high school. They had 6 kids, and all of the kids had at least 2 or 3 kids each, all very close in age. That's around 10-15 kids present at any given time during the evening, ranging in age from baby to teen. Always running and playing and screaming through the house until it was time for presents. Then it was PRESENTS!!! The next day was with my mom's family, we went to church in the morning and came home, had a HUGE meal and presents and time together, with my mom's brother and sister and their families and more kids playing. My brother is the oldest, he's 38 now, then my cousin Brian, 35, me 34, my cousin Jaimie 21 and her brother 19. When Kiel was born, my brother was 19, Brian was 16, I was 15, and Jaime was 3. Still kids playing and laughing and presents and family still in a good mood.
That was Christmas. Kids and too much food and get-togethers. I think that's why the party saturday hit such a strong note with me. Kids and too much food and adults talking and laughing. I don't express it, but I'm often afraid that my chance to have that, kids running around and family and friends over, has passed me by. That somewhere, somehow I missed that chance.
Dear God, Thank you for friends and good times, especially in this thankful season. Please don't let my chance be gone. Amen.