Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I wonder what it must be like to be normal

In the past I've been rather hard on myself.

I'm pretty sure that I'm currently in a manic state, that I'm not well controlled AT ALL. The thing is, though, I'm the only one who can see it. Otherwise I look and act like I'm just in a good mood. I'm the only one who can see the reasoning and logic behind the things I do, and that often they are not motivated by a desire to do good things for others. Often they are motivated by how that course of action will make me happy, or give me something I want, or get me something I think I need. The mania makes me intensely Self-absorbed. I have a hard time seeing beyond my own wants and perceived needs.

In the past I didn't like who I was because of the things I did and said, I didn't like who I became sometimes. Now I know it's the Bi-polar, and that makes it sort of worse. Because I KNOW the reason, and I still can't control it. I KNOW what it is that makes me act like that and say those things and think those thoughts, and I REALLY REALLY want to be able to control it, and I feel like I SHOULD be able to control it. But that's one of the things about Bi-polar. I really can't control it. And that feeds into the cycle of not liking myself.

It's hard to break out of the cycle. I have to stop being so hard on myself, forgive myself for doing some of the things I do and say and think, but I can't make other people forgive me for the things I do and say. So I feel bad, and then I don't like myself, and there I go again.

I hate that often I'm self-centered and self-absorbed, but I don't quite know how to NOT be that way. Even when I do something for someone else, in my own mind, I question my motives. I try overly hard sometimes to not be self-absorbed, but that doesn't really work, at least, not for long. I come off looking ingratiating, like I'm kissing up to someone, insincere, overly flattering, just generally kind of a jerk.

I'm tired of being Bi-Polar.

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to be normal.

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