Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I don't have a good title for this. I was shooting for something meaningful, then for something funny, but I'll settle for this long rambling one

This past friday I hooked up with one of my 'special friends'

He was in town to talk to some work contact, so he came in Friday night and we spent the evening together and he did his work stuff on saturday.

It was very nice. We had a nice dinner and drinks in a little dive on the west side of the Large City I live near. He had a nice hotel room. We had some really awesome sex. He did some work on his computer while I enjoyed cable tv. I had someone to sleep next too, I love sleeping with someone warm and cuddly. We woke up and had sex again. We took showers, kissed goodbye, and drove off to our respective destinations. When he's in town again one of these days, he'll let me know and we'll do it again.

This is all that this relationship will ever be. It will never progress beyond this. I made my peace with that a long time ago. I have made contact several times through the years. I didn't have to do that. He has made contact with me several times through the years. I didn't have to return his calls. I could have allowed it to die a natural death.

I've been thinking since friday why I continue with this. I feel genuine affection for this man, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. He's funny and smart and I think he's sexy, though I know others will disagree with me. He always treats me with respect and is never rude or insulting. I've figured out that what he brings is an intimacy. We've known each other a lot of years, and while I don't even pretend to know his life, and he mine, we still have a connection that was forged and refined over many years.

But while I was driving to meet him, and most of the weekend after, I kept thinking that while it was nice to have that bit of affection and close contact, I really wanted more. I want that, but I want much more than that. I want someone who is like that all the time.

I want a boyfriend. Someone to watch crappy movies with, go out and eat with, hang out with and hang out with friends with. Someone to curl up with at night. I want that intimacy, to know someone so well that you don't have to 'do' anything, that just being together is enough.

One of these days I'll find a serious relationship. When that happens, what we had will die. I might occasionally text or email him and see how his life is going, but the intimate connection will be broken. I'll be sort of sorry that day. It amazes me now, thinking of it, that I will be sad to let go of that part of my life, of that small interaction. He is a link to a younger me, a more innocent me. A person I will never be again.

He is the last remaining vestige of the young woman that I was. I will miss him when he's gone, because he will take a piece of me with him. I hope he feels the same way. Not with regret because of what won't be, but with affection of what was.


Anonymous said...

We are complex beings aren't we?
...but we all have needs. I think I understand as much as is possible.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I hope you find him soon. You deserve that man who will treat you awesome!

Anonymous said...

Oh babe...I know how you feel and living in the middle of NO and WHERE sure as hell makes the pickin's slim. But you so deserve more than this. He's out there...I know he is. Mine too...maybe....someday. I hope.
Love ya babe! Roni