My very good friend MLK reads this blog.
I made a post awhile back and while the content was right, the application was too passive-aggressive. It involved MLK.
And she will undoubtedly get upset that I'm writing this rather than just saying it.
But I'm much better on paper. I have the chance to think thoughts through, to choose the best words to project what I'm trying to say and do it without the emotion that usually gets in the way verbally.
Awhile back, MLK finally had it with her psycho boss and through a series of events ended up in my lab. So far the friendship has held up, despite being quite different in our approach to research.
We sometimes have a hard time working together. She was in a lab alone for 3 years, and it's been a bit of a transition for her. And apparently, I'm not used to working with the same person all day. Prior to MLK working in our lab, I worked with 1 person (obnoxious grad student, who is, btw, GONE from campus!!! yeah!) for the animal stuff, another person with the experiment stuff, and by myself for the admin stuff I do. I'm not used to having to explain or justify why I do things, and I'm not used to having to take other people's opinions into account. Previously, when I did the animal stuff, I did it, and others helped me. But I did the planning, the writing, the documenting and the data analysis. I had help challenging and checking animals. And no one really wanted or cared to help me with the other stuff. Which, it turns out, was FINE with me.
So sometimes I'm thinking something and I forget to include MLK in my thinking. Sometimes I feel like an idea is wrong, but I can't with any logic explain why. Often the logic behind it will come to me several days later, but by then it is too late.
Sometimes MLK and I aren't on the same clock. She moves slower than I do. Sometimes MUCH slower than I do. Most days I just take a breath, smile, and move on. Some days, though, I just want to scream MMMOOOOOVVVVEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! At that point I stop, take 2 or 3 deep breaths, and then smile and move on.
I haven't been blogging because some of the things I need to blog about include MLK. And I know she reads my blog.
So this is where I am.
Do I continue to (can't find the right word...not edit, but.....?? starts with con...??) edit myself? Or do I press through?
My first thought is that this is my blog, this is my voice. Good or bad, right or wrong, nice or not, this is my voice. I try to make this place true to my voice, that what I present here is who I am.
MLK, you're one of my best friends. We have to work this out, because I miss writing in my blog.
Dear God, give me the right words. Amen.