I've been very lax about blogging lately.
I'm not sure why.
Sometimes I'm a bad friend, and I don't treat my friends right.
Example: My friend Karen and I did the coffee/lemonade/cookie rounds in the children's hospital for a couple of years, most wednesday evenings after work. It was fun. She is the driving force behind the Clown troop associated with my university. Mostly it is medical students, but there are some grad students and staff and a few faculty who are also involved. I'm not big on clowning, I did it because it meant so much to Karen, but after awhile I just stopped participating.
Karen retired, but still came in on wednesday nights and did the rounds with me. When Ike hit, it was a relief to give it up. It had become a burden, a chore. I didn't like that, but I didn't want to abandon Karen either. After Ike, we talked about it and she was relieved, too.
Occasionally she will come to my work and we'll go out to lunch. It's been less and less frequent, just my job and her schedule and life in general.
Not long ago I told her that I would call her for lunch, and then, and I can't even plead forgetfulness or anything, I just blew her off. Like, totally. And I know she knows, and she knows that I know that she knows, and we both know. And I feel bad. I shouldn't have done it. I should have taken the time and made room and gone to lunch with her.
Now, I have asked her to help me clown at a friend's kid's birthday party. This is a huge favor, she doesn't do birthdays or non-Clown events. And because she is a good friend, and probably a better friend than I am at the moment, she has agreed to help me.
I feel bad all the way around. She's helping me do this thing that she doesn't usually do, right after I totally blew her off for lunch. She will be using her supplies, balloons, stickers and bubbles, to help me do this. And I don't have much of a way to repay her kindness. I've told her that I will clown at any upcoming event she wants me to. My friend has offered to pay us for supplies, I think Karen will take it, if for nothing else than to buy more supplies.
So. Sometimes I'm a bad friend. And I hate that. There are times that I just can't stop myself from doing things that aren't very nice. Not that I do things that are destructive or harmful or dangerous, just things like blow off lunch plans with a good friend for no decent reason. This the same part of my personality that will tell people, 'Of Course, I'd be glad to help' or 'Yes, please call me and we'll go out!' and then I don't help, and I don't return the phone call. Or I will volunteer to be a president and then NOT want to do it when I get nominated.
I know this reflects badly on my character, and that I come off looking less than trustworthy, less than honorable, like a total flake. And I hate that. But I can't seem to stop.