Thursday, May 21, 2009

Let's beat this dead horse a couple of more times

Ok. So, once again, most of my IRL friends, and maybe one or two of the bloggy friends, will probably get annoyed at this next post. sorry. well, not really sorry, but sort of sorry.


I think I've mentioned, if not here then to one of my irl friends, that I didn't realize at the time, but breaking up cleanly, one harsh band-aid pull and it's done, no further contact, no midnight texts, no extra emails, that's the best way to break up. This dragging it out for months at a stretch sucks. Badly.

I have received several quite a few FINE multiple texts from ex. I respond most of the time. At least, I did before grandma died.

The day she died ex texted me and I texted him: Sad Day, my grandma died.

He said some nice things, then I didn't hear from him until last friday. I didn't even think of him while all of that was going on. What I missed during that time was someone who was there for me, a boyfriend-type person, to give me a hug and hold me tight when I cried. And recently it has dawned on me that the reason I hadn't thought of him was because he wasn't my boyfriend, and hasn't been for 8 months.

Now I know that sounds really obvious, but let me expound a little on this.

For several months there, I was taking the burden of proving myself to him, that because of my whole bipolar thing, and his reaction to it, I had to prove that I wasn't as crazy as he thought I was. My stomach would clench when he texted me because I was trying to gauge what his reaction would be to whatever I said, and whether or not I would scare him off again.

However, this past friday, after he texted me at midnight to ask what I was doing (duh!), I didn't answer until saturday, and then it was a snarky comment on what he thought I was doing thursday at midnight.

And it dawned on me then, I really didn't care how he took that text. I didn't care if it upset him, or scared him off. He called me monday evening (if I had been paying attention I wouldn't have answered, but I didn't look at the caller ID). We talked. I cut him off pretty early, I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. It ticked him off, and he was huffy as I ended the call, but my only thought was that I was tired and just wanted to go to bed, and he was preventing me from doing that.

And in the last 2 days I have finally come to this: I wasn't the one who quit calling in September. I wasn't the one who got all freaked out about how much we clicked and how much we enjoyed each other's company and OMG This might be serious! I wasn' t the one who broke contact AGAIN after 1 or 2 dates in October.

The burden of proof is not mine. The burden of proof falls to him. I am who I have always been. I'm smart, funny, reasonably cute, and rather independent. I do have my personality quirks, but I know most of my triggers and can usually get my moods under control before I go totally insane. This is who I am. You can like me or not. You either want to date me or not. If you only want to date me sometimes, that isn't enough. If you only like parts of my personality, but not all of them, then you don't like me. If you do, great, let's give it a try. If not, well, that's ok, too. I'll get over it.

I'm happy to be in this place. I haven't been here in awhile, and it's nice to be back.

Dear Lord, Show me the path to take, and I will take it. Show me the man you want for me, and I'll take him, too. Help me see Your path, and not a path of my own choosing, as you definitely a better judge of character than I am. Amen


sheree said...

I love this post! Awesome attitude ;)

mamabird said...

And now if only you could package it up and share it with everyone else in the world! This sounds wonderful.