Some months back, while I was still playing rather often on myspace, I did a quiz: What's your personality disorder?
Now, since I'm bi-polar, I totally expected that to be the high scorer. Turns out, that was the second high score. The highest? Narcissistic.
No Way! I thought. I'm totally not Narcissistic! (as I write my blog, about my life, and my friends, and what happens TO me and AROUND me, and how it Affects Me.
But then, I started to pay attention to myself (...I know, the irony), and I noticed that I am more focused on myself than I would like to admit. In a conversation, sometimes I try to take center stage, even when I don't mean to, or sometimes even when I don't want to.
I have become bad at interrupting people. I try to see myself as others see me, not as I see myself, but even that doesn't always work. I am bad about waiting for someone to do something for me before I do something for them. I'm working especially hard on that one, because it makes me feel bad about myself and about my actions, which I should be able to control. Right?
I get jealous of things other people have, and I know that this is part of human nature, that we are sinful in this flesh, but I still don't like that part of my personality. I don't want to judge my life by someone elses life. I will always either find mine lacking, which will only depress me unnecessarily, or I will feel superior, which leads to pride in something that I have very little control over.
Dear God, please give me peace (I pray for this a lot) with who I am and what I have. Help me to focus more outside of myself. When I begin to look too far inward, show me the way out. Thank you for friends who are patient with me and like me, and who help me become a better friend. Amen