Monday, March 30, 2009

I think this was the last one.

I wrote this Sunday evening, and other than being a little melodramatic, the feelings and thoughts still hold true.  I'm still not interested in dating right now, but probably in a year or so I'll be ready again.  It just takes awhile to get back in the saddle.

So I'm leaving this as I wrote it.  Don't judge too harshly, this dating business sucks ass.

A little background:

The last relationship I had was a long-distance one.  It worked pretty well, for awhile anyway.  He lived in Dallas.  He flew me in to see in every 3-5 weeks.  We talked often on the phone.  I'm still not sure exactly what went wrong, but he said he'd come visit me.  7 weeks later I asked in, 'So, is this your way of trying to break up with me?'.  

'Yeah, I was going for the long slow death.'

We never spoke again.  I called him once and left a message a couple of months later, mom had just been diagnosed with cancer and I needed a boyfriend-type person to talk to.  He never returned my call.

I told my friend Ronika that I only had a few more relationships in me, that it was too hard, I put too much of myself into them, and I never got much of a return.

Turns out, I had one relationship left in me.

Ex is once again ex.  SURPRISE!!!  This time I didn't just modify his phone number, making it harder to get to him.  This time I erased his number.

I don't think I have another one in me.  It's so hard, I invest so much and I get NOTHING in return.

I don't even have any tears.  I'm sure I will, one of these days I'll have a hard day and when I'm weak, it will hit me hard.  But right now, tonight? nothing.  Just resigned acceptance.  And the question: What the HELL???

Dear Lord, WHAT THE HELL????????  Amen.

1 comment:

NGS said...

Awww...I'm really sorry. I'll be sending good vibes your way.