I wrote this Sunday evening, and other than being a little melodramatic, the feelings and thoughts still hold true. I'm still not interested in dating right now, but probably in a year or so I'll be ready again. It just takes awhile to get back in the saddle.
So I'm leaving this as I wrote it. Don't judge too harshly, this dating business sucks ass.
A little background:
The last relationship I had was a long-distance one. It worked pretty well, for awhile anyway. He lived in Dallas. He flew me in to see in every 3-5 weeks. We talked often on the phone. I'm still not sure exactly what went wrong, but he said he'd come visit me. 7 weeks later I asked in, 'So, is this your way of trying to break up with me?'.
'Yeah, I was going for the long slow death.'
We never spoke again. I called him once and left a message a couple of months later, mom had just been diagnosed with cancer and I needed a boyfriend-type person to talk to. He never returned my call.
I told my friend Ronika that I only had a few more relationships in me, that it was too hard, I put too much of myself into them, and I never got much of a return.
Turns out, I had one relationship left in me.
Ex is once again ex. SURPRISE!!! This time I didn't just modify his phone number, making it harder to get to him. This time I erased his number.
I don't think I have another one in me. It's so hard, I invest so much and I get NOTHING in return.
I don't even have any tears. I'm sure I will, one of these days I'll have a hard day and when I'm weak, it will hit me hard. But right now, tonight? nothing. Just resigned acceptance. And the question: What the HELL???
Dear Lord, WHAT THE HELL???????? Amen.