Friday, February 27, 2009

(sigh) Dating sucks

So, I wasn't going to put up anything on this topic, because I am reasonably sure I know the resulting conversations.  The thing is, though, that this is where I work things out in my brain.

So, Katie, Michelle, Vickie, Ronika, and maybe Lorie, I already know your response.  If you can't be nice, don't say anything. : )

Ex texted me last night.  This was his last night in town, he got a new job and was leaving.  I knew it would happen, he told me early on that he was staying in town partly because of me.  Partly because he got a good per diem and lots of overtime, but partly because of me.

So I knew that at some point he would be leaving.  His leaving would mean an end to whatever it was that we had.  Now, whatever we had isn't really alive.  It was on life support, but we had removed the feeding tube and we were waiting for it to die (that's a GREAT metaphor!).  BUT! as long as he was still in town, it wasn't quite dead.  Not quite alive, but not quite dead.

So, when he texted me, I asked if he wanted to go out to dinner.  I know, I know.  I know all the reasons I shouldn't have done it, but I did.

I still like him.  I like hanging out with him.  He's funny, smart, has great stories.  We clicked.  I don't know how many of you date actively, but to find someone you click with that well, it just doesn't happen very often.

So, I picked him up, we had a nice dinner, nice conversation.  I took him home.  He sat in my car, and we talked.  Really talked, for the first time in 2 months.

The last time we saw each other, that is, the last time we saw each other that was more than just a quickie, he was looking at my calendar in my kitchen.  Now, I use my calendar as a diary of sorts.  I record stuff like going out to eat with friends, when I get groceries, when I put flea medicine on the cats, and it happened that when he looked at it, he saw where I had made a note that he had texted me.  It wasn't a big deal, at least for me.  It was just something that had happened that I made a note of.  Apparently, though, this really freaked him out.  Not that he wasn't already wary because of the whole bi-polar thing.  That sort of pushed him over the edge.

So I explained to him, there in the car, it's just a diary.  It's not a big thing.  I have them from 4 or 5 years back.  Sometimes I look back, just to see what happened.  It's just a way to look back at my life.

So, I finally managed to convince him that, once again, I'm not the psycho he's worried that I am.  And I ask, the last 2 months, it was all because of that?  yes.  all of the drama.  all of the crap.  all of it.

(sigh) men are idiots.

Well, of course we had sex.  I mean, come on.  I don't get sex very often, and we are really compatible.  It was GREAT sex.  But more than that, it was soft, affectionate, sweet.

He made the right noises about wanting to continue to see me.  And I want to believe him.  [insert song here].  And even though I know all the reasons I shouldn't, if he calls and invites me to Louisiana, I'll go.  And when the whole thing blows up in my face, I will bury myself in my job, and pretend that someday, one day, I won't make this same mistake again.  I will pretend that one day, I will actually meet a man who isn't an idiot, who treats me nice, and who isn't scared off by my particular list of idiosyncrasies.

Dating sucks.

1 comment:

NGS said...

True dat, sista. Good luck to you.