Friday, February 27, 2009

(sigh) Dating sucks

So, I wasn't going to put up anything on this topic, because I am reasonably sure I know the resulting conversations.  The thing is, though, that this is where I work things out in my brain.

So, Katie, Michelle, Vickie, Ronika, and maybe Lorie, I already know your response.  If you can't be nice, don't say anything. : )

Ex texted me last night.  This was his last night in town, he got a new job and was leaving.  I knew it would happen, he told me early on that he was staying in town partly because of me.  Partly because he got a good per diem and lots of overtime, but partly because of me.

So I knew that at some point he would be leaving.  His leaving would mean an end to whatever it was that we had.  Now, whatever we had isn't really alive.  It was on life support, but we had removed the feeding tube and we were waiting for it to die (that's a GREAT metaphor!).  BUT! as long as he was still in town, it wasn't quite dead.  Not quite alive, but not quite dead.

So, when he texted me, I asked if he wanted to go out to dinner.  I know, I know.  I know all the reasons I shouldn't have done it, but I did.

I still like him.  I like hanging out with him.  He's funny, smart, has great stories.  We clicked.  I don't know how many of you date actively, but to find someone you click with that well, it just doesn't happen very often.

So, I picked him up, we had a nice dinner, nice conversation.  I took him home.  He sat in my car, and we talked.  Really talked, for the first time in 2 months.

The last time we saw each other, that is, the last time we saw each other that was more than just a quickie, he was looking at my calendar in my kitchen.  Now, I use my calendar as a diary of sorts.  I record stuff like going out to eat with friends, when I get groceries, when I put flea medicine on the cats, and it happened that when he looked at it, he saw where I had made a note that he had texted me.  It wasn't a big deal, at least for me.  It was just something that had happened that I made a note of.  Apparently, though, this really freaked him out.  Not that he wasn't already wary because of the whole bi-polar thing.  That sort of pushed him over the edge.

So I explained to him, there in the car, it's just a diary.  It's not a big thing.  I have them from 4 or 5 years back.  Sometimes I look back, just to see what happened.  It's just a way to look back at my life.

So, I finally managed to convince him that, once again, I'm not the psycho he's worried that I am.  And I ask, the last 2 months, it was all because of that?  yes.  all of the drama.  all of the crap.  all of it.

(sigh) men are idiots.

Well, of course we had sex.  I mean, come on.  I don't get sex very often, and we are really compatible.  It was GREAT sex.  But more than that, it was soft, affectionate, sweet.

He made the right noises about wanting to continue to see me.  And I want to believe him.  [insert song here].  And even though I know all the reasons I shouldn't, if he calls and invites me to Louisiana, I'll go.  And when the whole thing blows up in my face, I will bury myself in my job, and pretend that someday, one day, I won't make this same mistake again.  I will pretend that one day, I will actually meet a man who isn't an idiot, who treats me nice, and who isn't scared off by my particular list of idiosyncrasies.

Dating sucks.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Wishful dreaming

I'm usually pretty pleased with my lot in life, I have a good job, great friends and family, a nice little house, a nice little car.

But sometimes I read an article and it strikes me, how much different this world is for the very rich. And how it would be nice to have enough money to buy WHATEVER you want. New clothes, a beach house, a new car.

I want the Aston Martin. I've wanted one for years. I'd settle for a high end Audi, though. Just in case anyone has $150,000 laying around.

Not Me... Friday??

Because, this is just too good to wait for Not Me Monday.

I DID NOT lock my keys in my car today, still in the ignition, with it STILL RUNNING. I am NOT that much of a airhead today.

Fortunately, I had rolled down the windows a little, and there was enough room to get my arm down and hit the unlock button. But my arm is bruied where I Forced it through the smallish hole I had created.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

a little bit of emotion is a good thing

I called my mom the other night.  We used to talk all the time, we could talk for hours.  We would talk about anything and everything, she was one of my best friends.  She's in the on-again in an on-again-off-again chemo pill.  2 weeks on, 1 week off.  She gets to feeling better and then has to start taking it again.  We talked for about 5 minutes, then she was quiet.  she was tired, didn't have much to talk about.  she told me goodbye, and then I talked to dad.

I miss my mom.  we've been fighting this for 2+ years now.  I hope she comes back.

In other depressing family news, my grandmothers health has taken a turn for the worse, she was having bowel troubles that no home remedies would fix, she's going into heart failure, this winter has been so hard on them that grandma finally agreed to move into an assisted living apartment.  A one bedroom.  We always stayed with them when we went north, for all of my 34 years we stayed with my mom's parents.  We have no idea what will happen now, who will we stay with?  A hotel is way too expensive, plus we wouldn't have much visiting time with the family.  My mother's brother's family might take us, but my aunt still works full time, and I'm not sure just how that would work.  My mother's sister lives in Indiana, so that's a little too far to visit rest of the family.  My dad's family, most of them don't have the space to take us for more than a week.  Plus, grandma has to feel VERY BAD to agree to move out of her house.  She has fought this for YEARS.

What else?  

I made 2 recipes out of my taste of home Healthy Cooking magazine (I LOVE Reiman publications...I know, dork).  A 50-cal banana nut mini-muffin and a hash-potato-cheese-ham casserole.  Both were REALLy good.  I've decided that it's stupid to get these magazines and not make anything out of them, so my goal is to make 1 new recipe a week from my magazines.  They can't all be desserts, either.  AND, of the desserts, they can't be all chocolate.  I'm trying to expand my tastes and my repertoire. 

This baking/cooking stuff links to grandma, because my grandma cooks and bakes, well now she cooked and baked.  When I bake and cook, I am closer to the women in my family than any other time.  I am connected to my relatives, to the women of my family.

I went and checked my pill pack, I'm pms-y.  That would account for the rather disjointed, emotional and sappy feel to this post.

Next post will be better.

Monday, February 9, 2009

A story

Back when I lived at the apartment, there was some drama. I was at the center of it.

Here's the short and sweet.

I was having sex with a neighbor, neighbor hooked up with another neighbor, they ended up married with children.

HA! That's like a year's worth of drama in 1 sentence!!

Anyway, the friendship with the female died, partly because this was the 3rd time this had happened to me and my ability to forgive and forget had long since disappeared. I admit it, it was on my end.

My other friend, Vickie, is still friends with the couple. Occasionally Vickie will update me on their status. The thing is, I don't care.

I don't mean that to be mean, or cold-hearted, and I don't think I'm carrying a grudge, or hard feelings. I just...don't care. It doesn't matter to me. Apparently they've had a second kid, which is good, I guess. I just...don't care. They have no impact in my life. The part of my life they belonged to is gone. That time is gone. I don't want to go back there. I'm happier here.

However, Vickie felt the need to tell me that the female's father passed away this summer from cancer, they found it too late and he died within 2 months. It's sad. I do sort of feel for her, because my SIL went through something similar, and while I don't know what it feels like to lose a parent, I do know how it feels to have a sick and hurting parent.

So, part of me wants to go to her Facebook page and tell her that I'm sorry for her loss. I hope that she managed to make some peace with her father, it wasn't a good relationship while I knew her.

The thing is, while I sympathise with her loss, saying so will only open a wound that is well scarred by now. I don't want to know how happy they are. I don't care who the kids look like, I don't want to know the cute thing the older one said last night.

The friendship we had, it's dead. Nothing will bring it back.  I don't want it brought back.  I didn't like who I had become during that time.  

So I listen to Vickie's stories, her updates of a friendship that is gone.   And I listen politely, make the right noises, not for the dead friendship, but for the living friendship with Vickie.  It makes her happy to update me, and it doesn't cost me anything to listen.

Vickie, if you read this, you don't have to stop updating me.  I'm glad that you are still friends with them.  Please don't be upset that I'm not.

It's Time for (da da da DA) Not Me Monday!!!

I didn't clean my house for the first time in 6 weeks on sunday. I still don't need to vacuum.

I didn't finally JUST put my suitcase from christmas away.

I didn't forget to get a birthday present for a 2 year old, and then play it off by telling her mom that the gift was an "Evening out for Mom and Dad!" Cause that's a good gift for a 2yo!

I didn't leave work early Friday so that I would have time to make cinnamon rolls for a prayer breakfast Saturday morning.

I haven't gained 4 pounds because I didn't make a trial batch of cinnamon rolls last saturday and then proceeded to eat MOST OF THE BATCH last week (a batch doesn't make 40 or so rolls).

I didn't miscommunicate with my gym class instructor, and I didn't go to the gym monday, forgetting we didn't have class. I didn't sit on my butt for 10 minutes before I figured that out. I then didn't make it worse by copping out and only doing 20 minutes on the treadmill.

I also didn't blow her off on tuesday, when the class was MOVED TO. I didn't call the guy to come fix my washing machine on tuesday, because I didn't sort of think that I meant I could blow off tuesday's class, either.

I didn't tell my gym class instructor that I couldn't go to thy gym on thursday because I needed to help my friend clean her house for the 2yo birthday party, and then when my friend told me she didn't need the help, I didn't ask another friend to my house for pizza and a movie.

I haven't considered telling my obnoxious graduate student that she can STUFF IT, and if she wants to be trained in the BSL3, she can try to schedule all of her time with the EHS people. I am not secretly hoping she goes to my boss, because I'm WAY to mature and professional to want to see her expression when my boss tells her she's WRONG!!!

I haven't spent several weeks trying to get a brand new DVD-burner, of the LaCie brand, and it isn't sitting in it's box unopened at my computer.

And Finally, I'm not going to have to take a class at the gym, plus do at least 30 minutes of cardio, every day this week, to try to lose the 4 pounds I didn't put on last week.

How was your week?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Rejoice with me!

Again I say Rejoice!

I found a repairman who fixed my washing machine for $45. Yes, he came to my house, opened my washing machine and fixed it, something about the tension on the spindle. He also told me that if the fix didn't hold, to call him and he'd get the part and come fix it, but wouldn't charge me an additional service call fee.

The plumber came and cleaned my line for $95. His price had gone up to $125, but since I've been a customer for several years, he didn't raise his rate for me.

I can now Do Laundry, and Take a shower, with NO problems!

I did several loads of laundry last night, and I'm already in a better mood, because my house looks slightly better.

Thank You, God!!

Monday, February 2, 2009

:( turned into : )

Update: Annie is full of gas (no really!), she doesn't have kidney stones or a bladder infection, she has a severe UTI. YEA! well, Yea! it only cost $370 and not $1400, and yea! I didn't have to make the decision to put her down or spend a fortune, but not so much yea, I just paid $370 for a severe urinary tract infection. But YEAH! Who new I'd be glad to still have 3 cats?

So, not long ago I took my cat, Annie, to the emergency vet clinic for what we all assumed to be a bladder infection.

Saturday evening I noticed that she wasn't peeing again. I thought it was kidney this time.

Since all of the vets are closed on Sunday (WTH??) I took her first thing this morning. They took blood, and tried to get urine with a syringe, but couldn't. so they wanted to take an x-ray to look for crystals/stones in the kidney. I said ok. It was taken as she laid on her side. Then the vet showed me the x-ray. It looks like she's got a blockage in her intestine. A pretty severe one, by the looks of it. But the vet wasn't sure, she wanted me to leave her there, they'd give her a big dose of IV fluid and try to get some urine, then take a second x-ray of her on her back, to try to get a better view of her intestines.

Right now I'm at almost $400 for this cat, and that doesn't include what I spent at the emergency clinic. If she's blocked, it's between $800 and $1000 for the surgery, plus the $400. If I put her to sleep, I've just spent $400 on an animal that I'm then going to PUT TO SLEEP. Plus, I just spent $15 on revolution for her.

I don't know what to do. I don't really have the $1400 to spend, but it will break my heart to have to put Annie down. She finally made friends with me, would climb on my lap and let me love on her. I know I said I wouldn't mind if one of my cats died, but this isn't what I meant. I didn't mean a death because I couldn't afford the surgery to fix what was wrong.

I'm so glad that Sinatra died how he did. He died instantly, or very close to it. His neck was broken, he didn't feel much pain, he just died. And that's good, because I'm not sure I could have put him down. He was my baby, I loved him like a child. I'd have spent a small fortune to save him.