Monday, December 28, 2009

Hot-Head

I totally color my hair. And I don't lie about it. When someone tells me they like my hair, I say 'Thank you. Loreal 4M!'

I don't do it very often. I usually wait until the roots are 3 or 4 inches long. It's not a major color change for me, just a little redder than my own. So I let it grow out. Then when I dye, I dye my whole head.

Apparently, yesterday afternoon I didn't rinse well enough. After a couple of hours my head was burning in a few places. So I rinsed my hair again. Wow, I did NOT rinse it well enough the first time. I was still washing LOTS of color out of my hair.

So, I have 3 spots that have obvious chemical burns. You can't tell by looking at my head, but I can tell when I go to scratch an itchy spot. YOW! Burn!

So, PSA: Rinse hair THOROUGHLY when you dye your hair.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Christmas at Home

So, remember when I said that Christmas is for kids, and that all those screaming kids put me in a very Christmas mood? Turns out I was right.

My niece is 4 1/2, and she was so excited that she infected the rest of us, too. It was fun and full of laughter and gentleness and family affection. My dad and brother got along pretty well, mom was up and awake and a little more like her old self. My SIL and her mother got along pretty well, that can at times be a difficult.

We did Christmas presents on Christmas eve. I spent way too much on my niece, and had nice interesting gifts for the rest of the family, too. I got some nice things, a good bottle of wine, some pretty place mats, gift certificate to Home Depot, and lots of fun time with family.

Christmas day we went to church, then went to Bro and SIL's house for Christmas Dinner. The Hungarian tradition is to have fish for Christmas, so every year we have fish. This year it was a white fish, very good. But SIL still likes salmon, so we had an appetizer of french bread with cream cheese spread topped with smoked salmon and cucumber. mmm smoked salmon.

Sunday after noon mom and dad left to go Illinois, Bro went to work (he has an excellent extra-job, security $40/hour Double time for Christmas, then time and a 1/2 for regular shift), it was just me and SIL, her mother and my niece. We played Wii, ate sweets, drank a little alcohol and just enjoyed time together.

There was one small dark spot. My parent's have 2 cats. When I got home wednesday, they asked me to go look at her, she was a little sick. She wasn't a little sick, her gums were completely white, her ears were completely white and cold and she was so very lethargic. This was one very sick cat. The vet was open Christmas Eve morning, we were the first ones in. She was so very dehydrated he couldn't get any blood. Finally we did a toe clip and managed to get the necessary 3 drops of blood, and she tested POSITIVE (that's very quickly positive) for Feline Leukemia. There wasn't anything that could be done, good food, a good life and regular vaccinations helped her live for several years longer than she would have in the wild. Because he couldn't get any sort of a vein, he overdosed her on anesthesia, and when she was asleep enough he would do a cardiac injection of the medication to put her down. As sick as she was, it might not even take the extra medicine. However, because her blood pressure was so low, it was taking quite a long time for the anesthesia to work. We had to leave her there with the vet, and mom and dad would pick her up next week and bury her at home. While it was hard, there was peace that it was done before Christmas. There wouldn't be the worry over their vacation, and their other cat, LC, would be happier as a single cat. But still, it was hard. It was, finally, a peaceful passing. An overdose of anesthesia, she just went to sleep. But still, hard.

Dear God, Thank you for the gift of your Son, the reason for this thankful season. Thank you for the peaceful and pleasant Christmas. Thank you for good food to eat, warm houses, and money for presents. Remind us that all good things come from you. Thank you for the time spent with beloved pets, even though we know that our time with them is limited. Remind us that like all things, our time in this world is short and that we must love and live in the time we are given. Amen.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Is Christmas done yet?

I haven't been in a very Christmas'y mood this year. In fact, not for several years. I mean, as a religious season I like it, but I'm not personally excited about Christmas. Family is so hard right now, and has been now for several years. I miss my mom. I miss her infectious laughter and her joy of the season.

I was told that I just needed to decorate for Christmas and that I'd feel more Christmas-y. I tried that the last 2 years, and it didn't really help.

I did a Christmas Party this year. My house isn't big enough, so my friend Matthew let me use his house. This has created a flurry of twitters and winking at me. See, my friends are quite convinced that Matthew and I should date. I have thought about it, and I am of two minds. I can't decide if he's completely clueless, and it just doesn't dawn on him, or he's considered it and decided against it. And based on my dating past, recently, and not so recently, I'm not overly willing to put myself into another situation where I can be rejected. Again.

That sort of went the wrong way.

Ok, try again. We had a Christmas party saturday night. It was fun, there were 12 adults and 7 kids. The kids ranged from 6 years to 4 months. It cracked me up to listen to all of those kids run screaming through the house. They were laughing and playing and running in circles through the house. The parents kept trying to get them to calm down but it was pretty much a pointless gesture. Sugar and caffeine and new friends and presents make for excited children.

Those kids running around the house made me feel like Christmas more than anything has for several years. Those were Christmas parties when I was a kid.

When we went north to Illinois for Christmas as kids, we spent Christmas Eve at a family friend's house, the family of my dad's best friend when he was in high school. They had 6 kids, and all of the kids had at least 2 or 3 kids each, all very close in age. That's around 10-15 kids present at any given time during the evening, ranging in age from baby to teen. Always running and playing and screaming through the house until it was time for presents. Then it was PRESENTS!!! The next day was with my mom's family, we went to church in the morning and came home, had a HUGE meal and presents and time together, with my mom's brother and sister and their families and more kids playing. My brother is the oldest, he's 38 now, then my cousin Brian, 35, me 34, my cousin Jaimie 21 and her brother 19. When Kiel was born, my brother was 19, Brian was 16, I was 15, and Jaime was 3. Still kids playing and laughing and presents and family still in a good mood.

That was Christmas. Kids and too much food and get-togethers. I think that's why the party saturday hit such a strong note with me. Kids and too much food and adults talking and laughing. I don't express it, but I'm often afraid that my chance to have that, kids running around and family and friends over, has passed me by. That somewhere, somehow I missed that chance.

Dear God, Thank you for friends and good times, especially in this thankful season. Please don't let my chance be gone. Amen.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Hospital Pharmacy

So, we're attached to a Hospital. A state Hospital that has all of the features of any other State Hospital.

I'm in research. I'm not a clinician, I'm not a nurse, I'm not associated in any way with what goes on in that hospital. I am often exempt from some of the rules that those with direct patient care have to follow, simply because I don't have the same restrictions.

In the last 6 years, whenever I need something from the pharmacy (antibiotics, isoflurane, stuff like that) I simply called the storeroom, told them what I needed and picked it up. Simple, right? Apparently Official Pharmacy Protocols dictate that in order to pick up an item right away, I have to have my Form 16 in their little in-box by 10AM for same day pickup. Otherwise it will be available the next day.

I didn't know this. In 6 years I have not ever been told I need to do this. 6 years.

All I need is sterile water. It's specific water, it has to be pyrogen free, which means it has been tested to show that it does not, on its own, to have any fever-inducing properties. This is not available at any of the regular storerooms that I have access to as a researcher. The only place to get it is from the hospital Pharmacy.

I went to go pick it up. It's a very small box, maybe 3"x3", 25 vials of 10ml each. I want 4. This is a simple request. One that should take, maximum, 5 minutes. No no, not today. Today I had to FAX over the order for 4 3"x3" boxes. Will it be ready today? 'I'm not sure'. ...????? WTH? Seriously, it's WATER. WATER people.

Ok, I could see maybe an actual drug, you have to wait in line blah blah blah. But really. WATER?!?!?!?!?

In the time it will take you to read the fax, type it into the computer, put it on a shelf for me and then CALL me for it to be picked up, you could just have let me have it when I walked over there, and had 3 or 4 extra minutes to process the next request.

*shaking head* Really? for WATER???

Can I use the tag 'rant' and 'speechless' in the same post??
I totally stole this from GoodMom/BadMom. Because it is hil.ar.i.ous.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Merry Christmas

HAHA Rockle! I found one, too!

Eating my own christmas goodies

I've been slowly eating my cookies that I baked to give away.

I finally FINALLY bought cute (I wrote cult originally, freudian slip) little boxes and made them up and gave them away today.

I got 4 very nice thank you's (which isn't really relevant, since I don't do it for the nice thank you's).

BTW, I only have 31 days until my cruise in January. YIPPEE!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Christmas Party

So tonight I helped my friend clean his house.

WHAT? you might ask yourself, and reasonably so. I don't like to clean my own house, why would I go help someone else clean theirs?

Well, this particular friend has agreed to let me have my Christmas party at his house. He's terrible housekeeper. I'm not the best in the world, but he's pretty bad. I polished wood (I'll never have wood paneling in my house. ever) and when I got to his dining chairs, they were growing mildew on the braces. Not terribly, but mildew none-the-less. And his garage, holy cow. It smells like a musty moldy room that never got opened to the air. It made me cough.

Anyway, the house looks pretty good already, and he's having the carpets cleaned tomorrow. The house will look really nice come saturday evening.

I helped him on saturday, too. We put up some of his decorations.

Tonight he told me he was glad that I asked him to do it at his house, and glad that he agreed, because it made him decorate and put him in a better mood. He lost his Dad and Stepdad within 6 weeks of each other this summer/fall. I can't imagine how hard Christmas must be this year for them, for the whole family.

I've decided that I'm not going to Illinois with my mom and dad this year. Many years I went because it meant so much to Grandma. Grandpa is beginning to lose reality, he doesn't always recognize my cousins, he knows he has grandkids, but doesn't know who J and K are specifically.

So this year, for the first time in many years, I'm going to take my Christmas break for myself. I'm going to go see a friend of mine on the 27 and 28, maybe the 29, then go to another town with a friend I haven't seen in 10 years and have a fun New Year's Eve. I'm very excited. Last year I spent New Year's Eve in a crappy hotel in Little Rock, Arkansas with my parents. We were asleep by 11pm.

I wondered away a little. So, this weekend Christmas Party. I've invited my Movie Night friends and some work and other friends. Right now we've got 8 people for sure, with the possibility of up to 15 or so. I think it will be lots of fun. We'll have Spiced Apple Cider (really good with a little Wild Turkey), I think Champaign Punch, sausage balls, queso, spinach and artichoke dip, and right now some desserts. I think there will be some more food, but I haven't thought of else. My very good friend Karen used to organize conventions, so she's going to give me some helpful hints, we're having lunch on thursday.

I think that's it for tonight.

I'm going to try to post a little more often than I have been lately. I like my blog, and I like TO blog, but it seems to be at the bottom of my to-do pile.

Elevator questions

Why do you always stand to one side in the elevator, even if you're the only one in it? why do you always seem to lean sideways?

Why, if you are getting on the elevator and going down and you're on level 2, do you feel the need to check which floor the elevator is going to. You're on 2. You want to go to 1. If it's going down, there's only one option, 1st floor.

By the same token, if you are on the top floor, why do you check and make sure it's going down? You're on the top floor. It can't go anywhere but down.

Why do you push the up, down, or floor buttons several times? It's not going to go faster just because you pushed the button 2 or 3 times in a row. And why, when you come upon an elevator and the up or down button is lit, and someone is standing there waiting for the elevator, do you push the already lit button? It's already on its way. The elevator isn't going to think, 'Oh! JOE pushed the button! Better hurry then!'

And how does it always seem to happen that the person who wants off on the second floor is at the back of the elevator? Or someone sees a full elevator and try to cram yourself AND your cart full of crap into it?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Baking

Sunday I attempted to make toffee and fudge. I pretty much failed a both of them.

The toffee didn't cook long enough, it didn't set hard and was gritty. Still, butter sugar chocolate and pecans aren't a bad mix. Just not toffee.

I tried the toffee again last night and it worked perfectly. Crispy and creamy and buttery goodness. It helped that I went out and bought an actual real candy thermometer.

The fudge is just bad. Taste's fine, dark and sweet and pecan-y, but the texture is grainy and crumbly, it just falls apart when you try to cut it. Not the fudge I was trying to make. It took A LOT of ingredients, so I'm not sure I want to make more of that. I found a quick and easy cheat for fudge, so if I decided that I really want to give fudge away for Christmas, I'll try that recipe.

I made the dough for Snowball cookies, but these cookies will wrap around a chocolate kiss, THEN be rolled in powdered sugar. I hope they turn out OK, they seem like they would. I'll finish those tonight.

I think I want to try some Pecan Tassies, too. I can make the dough/crust tonight and leave it in the fridge until Friday when I could finish them.

The problem I can see here is that I'll run out of containers before I run out of cookie ideas. I also need to go buy some sort of bag or package or box to put the candy/sweets in to give away.

I have a list of people at work who are good to me throughout the year, this is a good way to say thank you without costing me a small fortune. Plus, they're homemade treats, who doesn't like that?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I wonder what it must be like to be normal

In the past I've been rather hard on myself.

I'm pretty sure that I'm currently in a manic state, that I'm not well controlled AT ALL. The thing is, though, I'm the only one who can see it. Otherwise I look and act like I'm just in a good mood. I'm the only one who can see the reasoning and logic behind the things I do, and that often they are not motivated by a desire to do good things for others. Often they are motivated by how that course of action will make me happy, or give me something I want, or get me something I think I need. The mania makes me intensely Self-absorbed. I have a hard time seeing beyond my own wants and perceived needs.

In the past I didn't like who I was because of the things I did and said, I didn't like who I became sometimes. Now I know it's the Bi-polar, and that makes it sort of worse. Because I KNOW the reason, and I still can't control it. I KNOW what it is that makes me act like that and say those things and think those thoughts, and I REALLY REALLY want to be able to control it, and I feel like I SHOULD be able to control it. But that's one of the things about Bi-polar. I really can't control it. And that feeds into the cycle of not liking myself.

It's hard to break out of the cycle. I have to stop being so hard on myself, forgive myself for doing some of the things I do and say and think, but I can't make other people forgive me for the things I do and say. So I feel bad, and then I don't like myself, and there I go again.

I hate that often I'm self-centered and self-absorbed, but I don't quite know how to NOT be that way. Even when I do something for someone else, in my own mind, I question my motives. I try overly hard sometimes to not be self-absorbed, but that doesn't really work, at least, not for long. I come off looking ingratiating, like I'm kissing up to someone, insincere, overly flattering, just generally kind of a jerk.

I'm tired of being Bi-Polar.

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to be normal.

Monday, November 30, 2009

:(

I was cleaning out my house, I found a belated birthday card for my Grandma that I meant to send, but I must have forgotten to send it.

Some updates.

Went to the Nutcracker last night. It was beautiful. Through a rather long series of events we ended up with PRIMO seats. We were close enough we could hear their feet as they hit the stage. They were pretty expensive, which is its own drama (dad threw a FIT), but mom said she'd run interference for Monika and me. We'll see.

Now, I know this will sound greedy and all, but I hope that dad gives us money again this year. I know, he paid for all of the remodeling for the house. I know, he spent so much money on me this year. But still, a little spending money would be nice. Any tax refund I get this year will go to the car repair bill.

I get an extra paycheck in January, so I should have a little bit of $$ for the cruise, which leaves in 46 days. In other Day Off news, we have December 23rd through January 3rd off for Christmas. YAY! I should have something fun to do for New Year's this year. I don't know yet if it will be here locally with friends, or going out of town to hang with a friend I haven't seen in 10 years.

Decisions decisions decisions

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Awesome, and Goodwill

I helped put up the christmas trees at church this morning. I managed to almost break the weld on one of the metal tree bases. Cause I'm awesome like that. But it was fun, and it put me in a christmas-y mood.

I'm still trying to clean and organize the house. I cleaned and straightened my coat closet. I found Rollerblades I haven't used in probably 5 years. Those are going to the Goodwill here in town. I also found an old winding clock that I once thought I'd like to take apart and try to fix. That went into the box, too.

My dad brought (note: brought, not bought) me a cute little table and 3 chairs for my breakfast nook. So I need to clean out that room, hang the pictures, sweep the floor, and start to make it a working room.

I'm also slowly trying to clean out my extra room.

All this organizing makes me feel ready to put up a tree.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving

Wednesday I was asked what my favorite part of Thanksgiving was. I didn't have a good answer, because, in all honesty, I wasn't especially wasn't looking forward to coming home for Thanksgiving. Family and food, fights and frustration.

But, I came home. I spent part of the night with dad setting up and discussing.

Mom is sitting in her chair a little more. Sitting up on the couch a little more.

I went this morning to my Bro and SIL's house and we made the mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole (of course) and her mom made a cabbage dish and SIL's lentil salad. It was so much fun! We laughed and talked and enjoyed company. Dinner was later than we thought, and dad was thoroughly and completely flustered! But we worked through it and it was a good meal. The turkey was moist, because it had to sit an hour longer than we had intended, but moist all the same.

I played with my niece and took a short nap, and I'm going to sleep with my niece tonight, she gets so excited when Aunt spends the night with her. Tomorrow my SIL and her mother want to go shopping, SIL has never been Black Friday shopping. In LARGE city, none-the-less. We're leaving hometown about 7am, hopefully we'll get there before it becomes an OMG mess. Traffic is bound to be absolutely horrible. But, I'm not driving, so that's ok, too.

So I have to say that what I enjoyed most this thanksgiving was my family. I know, it surprised me, too.

Dear God, Thank you, for what I know you give me, and for what I don't even think about that you give me. Amen.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thankful

Today I'm thankful for friends who give up their days off to help me. I don't have a good way to repay, all I can offer is heartfelt Thanks, and a couple of meals.

Dear God, THANK YOU for friends. Amen

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

slick wood porches

So, being the graceful, athletic, coordinated woman that I am, I slipped this morning on my back porch steps. There aren't very many, I think 4. But the wood was slick and I guess those shoes don't have great tread. I had my purse on my shoulder and my laundry basket on my left side.

It happens in an instant, I understand how it happens when you're old you worry about broken bones and such.

But my left rib cage is bruised and I can't get my purse up on my shoulder. And turning my body makes me hold my breath and exhale hard when I come back.

Matt is supposed to come help me finish my fence gate tomorrow. I'm not sure I'll be much help.

Dear God, fast healing, please! Amen.

Thankful

Today I'm thankful for vacation days. Even cleaning the house and organizing is easier on a day off. Later today, the Garage!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Thankful

Today I'm thankful for Seinfeld reruns. I love Seinfeld. It's been off air for 10 years, and I still love it.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Thankful

Tonight I'm thankful for acetaminophen and ibuprofen. Especially taken together to relieve pain inflicted from helping build my gate for my fence.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Thankful

Tonight I'm thankful for Sushi! I love sushi!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Not-a-boyfriend.

I have a friend.

He is a pastor at a local Lutheran church. I am not a member of his church, but it is the same denomination as the one I attend.

We usually see each other once a week, sometimes just the 2 of us, sometimes in a group setting.

Last Saturday he helped my dad build my back fence. He spent roughly 8 hours with my dad working on my fence.

I like him, and we'd make a pretty good match, I think. But I can't tell if he is just clueless (always a possibility) or really isn't interested in something more than we have now.

I have been reluctant to make any moves myself. I've been burned several times in the last 3 years and I'm not very willing to put myself in the position to get burned again anytime soon.

Dear God, show me the path and I'll walk it. Point me in the right direction and I'll go there. Amen.

Thankful

Today I'm thankful for Glass Pastuer pipettes that are the right size. Now I can order them without having to pay for O/N shipping and I don't have to run around the department trying to find what I need!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Hope.

I was wandering around the net and found the to The Shawshank Redemption. I love the ending.



I just thought I'd share.

Thankful

Today I'm thankful that I'm go to the gym and I'm fit and healthy.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Thankful

Today I'm thankful for my friend V. It's one of those friendships that will last. We might not talk every day, or even every week, but she's always there if I need her.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Sunday thanks

Today I'm thankful for Sunday Afternoon Naps.

I love Sunday Afternoon naps. They rock!

Friday, November 13, 2009

The Fence

I would love to complain about my dad, but he was like a kid in a candy store this evening at Lowe's.

He was so excited to build this fence. He had 2 pages of numbers and figures and he discussed and considered with the helpful people at the store.

Even when we loaded his trailer with all of the goodies, he was excited and enjoying every minute of it.

How could I get mad at him?

Now he's in the kitchen cooking Chili so my friends tomorrow will have something good to eat for lunch.

He wants to get started by 8AM. Right. But I'll be up at 7:30 and have coffee made and go out and help dig post holes.

My hope for tomorrow is that he doesn't just do it, but show me and teach me how to do it. Not sure how well that will work, but I'm going to try.

Thankful

Something to be Thankful for:

My dad, who cares so much that he's a pain in my butt. But he's a good dad, and I love him. Even when he makes my life difficult.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Dr's, pens, and thanks

Went to see Dr. yesterday. Pretty sure my good mood lately hasn't just been a good mood, but a good mood. So, since 600mg of the Seroquel gives me the tremors and jerks and the 450 doesn't seem to be enough, we're trying 500mg. We'll see what comes.

In the mean time, I'm working hard on NOT biting my friend's heads off. I'm trying to practice meditation again when I get frustrated (and I have been easily frustrated lately) and deep breaths when I'm right in the middle of something and it's not going well.

And on a goofy and completely unrelated note, I found my pen that is almost out of ink. I've been careful with this pen, writing only with it, and have it mostly empty. I want to actually empty this pen! It's very exciting.



!SQUIRREL!

Next completely unrelated topic.

Since it's November and Thanksgiving is approaching and I seem to need the reminders, I'll start posting things I'm thankful for.

Let's start with: I'm thankful for a job with medical insurance.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

(sigh)

Another Update: Have an appointment with dr. tomorrow. Gonna talk about a rx change. I don't think adjusting the dose is working so well.

Update: Spoke with co-worker. Feel worse than ever. Sometimes I really really don't like myself. Going to go see psychiatrist tomorrow. Maybe a medication change will help.

Sometimes I wonder, are friends really worth the effort? Is it worth the fights and frustrations and misunderstandings? By the time I get over whatever made me mad, and I wasn't just frustrated I was pissed off, then the other person is pissed off because I was pissed off. Now I wait for the other person to stop being pissed off, I apologize and then we move on.

Is this what marriage is like? because if it is, then I think I'll just stay single and adopt a couple of kids.

I've come to realize that my short fuse is because I haven't had a significant break from work in close to a year. I took off work in April for my grandma's funeral, but that wasn't anywhere close to a vacation. So I have tried hard not to take my frustration out on my friends, but I haven't always succeeded. In fact, in recent weeks I have outright failed.

I am taking the week of Thanksgiving off and the week between Christmas and New Years and the week in January for the cruise. By February I should be good to go for several more months.

Now, I also realize that this puts some of my coworkers in a bind, because they will have to pick up the slack when I'm not here, and that sucks so they (she) might be frustrated with me for taking the time, and that makes me feel a little guilty. But they (she) can tell Dr. C that they need a break, too, and schedule around the time I'm still there.

A bit of a catch22 all around.

Oh well. Anyway, 1 week in November, 1 week in December and 1 week in January.

YAY VACATION FOR SANITY!!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I thought I was being all slick...

Ok, so I have allergies. Not so bad as to disrupt my life, but a pain in the butt all the same.

I used to take claritin. worked great. Then they came out with Clarinex! That worked even BETTER! I never had stuffy runny nose or sinus headache, it just went away! Then, the terrible day came. Claritin went OTC. The idiot doctor I had thought that this also meant that Clarinex would go OTC, also. Apparently, it didn't.

I've been using Zyrtec for awhile. It works OK. I sometimes have to take a pseudofed or nasal rinse, but overall it works ok.

Zyrtec has stopped working so well, so I went with OTC Claritin. Wow, it worked pretty well! My overall stuffiness was markedly decreased. So I went to the pharmacist and asked them if the Clarinex was available, too. They said, No! Clarinex was NEVER OTC! WHAT???

So, being all slick, I called my PCP and asked her to fax in a prescription for Clarinex. She Agreed! YeAH! Effective Allergy relief for the first time in several years!

Then I got my bill from Medco, the mail order prescription place. $90 for a 3 month supply of clarinex. I can buy a 90 day supply of generic zyrtec for $35, and 3 monhts of the generic Flonase for $20.

Damn. That was short-lived joy. I get 3 months of Effective Allergy relief. Then, back to the 'It will have to do' plan.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

It could have been sooooo much worse

I got home too late on saturday to have The Talk with mom and dad. So I went with my bro and sil and niece and we trick-or-treated! A friend of my brother's lives in a nice little subdivision that is mostly circular, so some of the adults (me included) herded 7 or 8 kids around the neighborhood. Emma was shy the first couple of houses, but by the end she was leading the charges up the drive ways. She had a blast! Then we stopped and saw grandpa and grandma and hugs and kisses and visited a few more houses in my home town. By the last house, Emma says, "Do we have to go trick-or-treat again?" We took that as a sign to go home. I had promised my niece that I'd sleep with her, so I slept with her last night. She rolled and kicked and moved and talked and groaned and cried once or twice, ALL NIGHT LONG. I'm freaking Tired!

So, the timing worked well, Bro and SIL came over and we all sat down, I started with a prayer (Remember we are a family and we love each other and help us to use soft words and have open hearts). There was cursory annoyance and irritation, but once that was past, I think Dad was relieved that something is being done. He agreed that he wasn't doing such a good job cleaning, and that he had planned on paying my SIL's mother to do it, but we agreed that a professional would be better, and she could come once a week for 2 or 3 months, and then we'll address the issue again. I made a leap of faith and had a lady from a nearby town come give us an estimate to clean the house. She said $175 for the whole house, that's oiling all of the woodwork, moving furniture and cleaning under it, the whole 9 yards.

We repeated the whole thing with mom's health, and that we think she needs a home-health care nurse once a week, maybe more. He agreed to tell the doctor that they need a prescription and we'll go from there. At least the idea is on the table, and that's more than a step, that's a freaking LEAP in the right direction.

Thank you God, for the right words. Thank you for all of your blessings, for the blessing of good parents, and good children. Thank you for my brother, in spite of all of his faults, he loves mom and dad and looks out for the best for them. Amen.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Here's another depressing-ass family post

It has become apparent lately that my parents are not taking care of themselves very well anymore. Dad has let the house get way past dirty and is venturing into unhealthy.

My mom isn't taking good care of her personal hygiene, she doesn't always remember deodorant and while she washes, it must be a cursory wash, not a good scrubbing. She has a sore on her neck where the trach collar is rubbing a sore spot.

I must go home tomorrow with my aggressive, undiagnosed Bi-polar brother and his wife and we all, mom dad, bro, sil and me, have to sit down and talk about this.

Yeah, that's going to go so well. Dad, you can't clean the house, we're going to bring strangers into the house to clean it. Mom, you aren't taking care of yourself good enough, dad isn't noticing, we're going to bring strangers into the house to help bathe you.

Shit. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I want to wake up in the morning and have it all be ok. it's not supposed to be like this. I shouldn't be having to do this when they're only 60. I'm only 34, this is shit that's supposed to happen when I'm in my 40's. I'm not equipped to handle this right now. How do I walk in and start to tear my family apart?

I keep falling apart. I don't know how I'll even manage the drive. I don't know how to do this. How do I do this??

Dear God, give me the words because I don't have ANY IDEA how the hell do to this.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Lumbar Puncture

So, the Lumbar Puncture went ok. I didn't realize it was just a spinal block in reverse.

Ok, that's a stupid comment on my end. It isn't JUST a spinal block. It's still something that sucks being done.

They numbed her with a couple of shots which, judging my mom's expression, HURT. Probably didn't hurt as bad as the spinal tap itself would have, but still. They numbed 1 spot, they couldn't get to the correct spot to fluid, so she had to numb 1 vertebrae higher. Mom was a trooper. I'd have been crying, but she didn't. But then, she didn't realize what they were doing today until she asked why we were in the Brain and Spine clinic. So she didn't have a bunch of time to dwell on it, either.

All in all, it was an ok day. For as bad as it could have been, it wasn't. And I'll take that today.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Large Cancer Hospital

I'm not sure if I've posted this before, but I've thought it. So if you've already read this, my apologies. Apparently it strikes a chord every time I go with the folks to the LCH.

I was with mom and dad at the Large Cancer Hospital this morning. Mom needed an MRI of her spine and she shakes so much they had to sedate her. This is a separate unit from the regular MRI unit. Because it was a sedated unit, there were people of all ages. The youngest was under 10, the oldest possibly in her 80's. But that was hard to tell, mom looks about mid 70's, and she's just now 61. There was a young girl, maybe 7 or 8, bald as can be. When she went in, her mom pulled a blanket over her head and took a nap. No telling how hard her life is, how many hours has she spent curled up in a waiting room chair trying to sleep for a few minutes. There was a young woman, her shirt said 'Senior's 2010'. She was on crutches, but I wasn't in a position to see why she was on crutches.

While the MRI was going (it took 2 hours) dad and I went down for breakfast. It struck me, as it always does, that cancer has no boundaries. Not age, sex, finances, weight, education, race, religion and any other distinction you could come up with. At the cafeteria it's sometimes hard to see who the patient is. My dad isn't a patient anymore, but he looks like he could be. In the hallways it's a little easier, patients are often the ones in the wheelchairs.

My mom has a Lumbar Puncture (aka spinal tap) on thursday. I'm more worried and scared than I think mom is. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go in with mom. I wouldn't want to do that without someone holding my hand. I know they used to not give anesthesia for that procedure, and I don't know what to expect. And then I think about how crappy this is that it's my mom going through it. And then I think that it doesn't matter who it is, it's just crappy that ANYONE has to go through this. I'm normally sort of resigned when I think about my getting cancer. The genetics are definitely against me, it remains to be seen what kind of cancer I'll get first. But once in awhile it really hits me, and I get scared witless.

It was raining when we were done, so mom and I waited at a door and dad took the bus to the car, then came back to get us. While we were waiting a guy with a throat speaker, the thing they use when the vocal chords are destroyed, usually throat or lung cancer, was being wheeled out by a transportation person. He told her, 'You have to take me somewhere I can get a cab'. And I thought how REALLY crappy it was that he had to take a cab home from the cancer hospital.

I told mom that It was both reassuring and terrifying that if I ever get cancer dad will take care of me, whether or not I want him to. She laughed. She also told me it was easy as long as she was so tired. She didn't care, so she let him do what he wanted. I told her I couldn't wait for her to have enough energy to fight with dad, because after several years of dad doing what he wanted, when he wanted it and how he wanted it, they would have some HELLA good fights. She laughed again. I hope I can laugh when I'm in her shoes.

Dear God, Please give me the peace and strength to handle what you put in front of me. Thursday will need a great deal of each, I think. Amen.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

a peaceful post

So it turns out last week when we were both so pissy, my friend mlk and I were both pms-y, in addition to being overworked and WAY TOO TIRED. She's not on birth control, and I recently got off the pill (because I didn't think sex once every 4 or 5 months really warranted a pill every single day), so apparently we're cycling together. That should make the middle of the month pretty interesting for awhile.

I had some friends over to my house friday night. It was fun, we watched Shaun of the Dead. With the 2 1/2 year old with us. It has become apparent that we must now begin to watch a little more kid-friendly movies. We can probably still get away with PG13 until she's a couple of years older. Don't know what we'll do then.

But, I cleaned my house, and I mean I CLEANED my house last friday. It's staying clean, too. It's very nice. I like it when my house is clean. It's peaceful for me to walk into a clean and not cluttery house. I feel a little more at peace with my world now that my house is presentable again. I may do it again this weekend, too. Maybe saturday this time? You just never know...

I'm sitting here listening to my grandmother clock tick (like a grandfather clock, but smaller). The clock works, but the striker doesn't hit the bell, so it doesn't ring like it should. It will cost me a bit of money to have that fixed, so it will just have to be this way for awhile. But it's reassuring to listen to it tick and tock. Plus I get to wind it every sunday. I like doing that. It takes me less than minutes, but I like the habit of it. There's a sense of being connected with previous generations who had to wind their clocks every week, too.

I think that's it for the night. I just wanted to put something positive on this page, it's been full of negative and unhappy lately. I'm trying to be a little more positive, a little more 'glass half full' than 'glass half empty'.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

YAY! A Trivia friday!

It's time for WTF Friday Trivia

Three diseases (besides influenza) that killed a lot of people at one time: Smallpox, plague, measles

Three over-the-counter medicines that once required a prescription: zyrtec, claritin, yeast infection cream?

Three vaccinations that many people receive as kids: measles, mumps, rubella (german measles)

Three non-medicinal treatments for flu-like symptoms: chicken soup, mentholatum, nasal sinus rinse.

Three generic symptoms of no particular illness at all: low-grade fever, chills, nausea

Three antibiotics (brand name or chemical name OK): Ampicillin, levofloxacin, tetracycline

Two diagnoses that once appeared on "House (hint: it's never lupus**): Rabies, radiation poisoning.


Standard trivia rules apply: no Google, no cheating, no calling your readers who are pharmacists and/or infectious disease researchers (HAHA! That was meant for me!!) and/or nurses for hints, etc. I'll post my answers on Monday night after 5pm. Good luck

Friday, October 16, 2009

My grandma's China hutch.

I filled my grandma's china hutch yesterday. It's about half full of grandma's, and half full of mine. I stepped back from it and it made me cry. I'm going to send pictures to my mom and my mom's siblings. It fits the house so perfectly.

The design on the china is a wheat stalk with a blue-green edge. The gold wheat stalk matches the yellow walls. It looks like it was done on purpose.

Every time I looked at it last night I thought of grandma. But I smiled when I did.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A long week

You ever have one of those weeks where things just don't seem to go right? You do A, you're wrong. You do B, you should have done A. You do A again, you should have done D. You go to Z, they tell you you went too far.

I can't win for losing.

And I internalize things. So if I'm wrong about A, then about B, then about D, I start to think I can't do anything right. So in an effort to stop being wrong, I stop doing anything, and that's wrong, too. Then I look back and see things that I should have been able to see, account for, or predict, and I blame myself for those things, too.

Plus, somehow I got the 8AM and 8PM (well, at this point it's 8AM and 6:30PM) antibiotic doses. I'm really tired and my brain is moving slow. I'm PMS'y which makes me a little sensitive, too.

And I keep pissing off my friend. I hate my friends being mad at me. But I hate more when they get mad at me several times over the course of several days, so that by the end they are ANGRY with me. I hate that.

Anyway. That's my week so far. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Split-Second Aging.

THIS is a blog I sometimes read.

Yesterday it was an interesting concept on Split-Second Aging. The idea that sometimes, you experience a moment that makes you grow up instantly.

I have had this happen, and I didn't analyze it very much. But I've been thinking about times I have aged in a moment.

One of those moments was the first night I slept in my house. I had taken on an adult's burden and found myself excited by the prospect. But I also realized that I am tethered to this house now. No longer could I pick up and move with a month's notice. I began to think of my self not as a young woman, but as a woman. There was nothing child-like about me anymore. Not my job or my house or my responsiblities, not even my thinking.

I had another moment, when I realized that my dad wasn't listening to the doctors at Large Cancer Hospital. I realized that I had reached an age where I needed to begin to look out for and after my parents. I would have to take an pro-active roll, to listen to doctors and translate for my parents, and to listen to my parents and be an advocate for them to the doctors.

I'm sure there will be many more ahead, where in an instant I will realize that I am older, and hopefully wiser, than I had been a moment before.

Dear God, please give me the peace and wisdom to grow older gracefully. Amen.

Self-discovery

So, I have learned, through a series of events today, and well, actually in the last couple of weeks, that I work well alone. Not that I like to be alone every day, but in the course of the work that I do, I work better alone. There isn't worry about meeting someone, I can modify and switch as best fits my schedule.

I am hard to work with. I don't like it, but there it is.

I can see where this comes from. I've been the primary animal person for several years now. I learned how to do what I needed to do and I did it. I learned how to do procedures and doses and applications, and for the most part, anything done after 6pm I did myself. There were exceptions, of course. Some of the REALLY BIG experiments everyone had to come in and help, but just the normal antibiotic dosing and such was me.

So now that I'm having to work with my friend (and now co-0worker) it's been hard. I don't always share what's going on in my mind, because I haven't done so for 4 years. I expect her to work the way that I do, and she doesn't. She WAY doesn't. We are often 180 degrees from each other.

Dear God, give us all a little peace. Amen.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Take Care of your Family

I have a friend, and in the last 2 months he has lost both his father and his step-father.

He didn't get along with his biological dad, though in the last couple of years they had made peace and had least a cordial relationship. When his dad passed away, he had no savings and no life insurance. His grandfather had to step up and pay for the funeral, because there was NO money. His step-mom will have to sell the house, because she can't afford the mortgage.

When his step-dad (whom he was very close to) passed away, he didn't have life insurance, either. His mom will have to take a loan to pay for his funeral. She has a job, but will have to work for many more years just to have an income.

Even I have life insurance. I don't have a husband or kids, but there is money in place to pay for a funeral, and whatever costs that might come attached to that. My bank accounts and house have been deeded to my brother, so that if the situation arises there is no question as to who the money and estate will go to.

You carry life insurance to take care of you family. You don't carry it for you, you carry it for your family. That's one of the things you try to make money for. You can get term insurance for just a little bit each month.

These 2 families are devasted, they don't even have money to pay for funeral costs. And the cost to my friend is much more. Not only the grief that comes with the loss of his father and step-father, he has the added worry of his almost bankrupt mother and step-mother who has to sell her home.

Dear God, help these 2 families, and help my friend. Show them a way to be able to support themselves, and a way for my friend to find peace in this situation. Amen.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Top Ten Thursday

This is hard, as it is hard to pick on 10 things that make me happy, and to try to define the TOP 10 things that make me happy. But I'll try.

The Top 10 things that make me happy:

1. The many small children in my life. It's so fun to hang out with them and play with them and watch them grow. It continually amazes me.

2. My friends, from 78 to 23, from newly made to knowing more than half my life, I have a large range of friends and I love them all.

3. My car. I love my car.

4. My house. I love my house

5. On most days, my job

6. Facebook, and especially Vampire Wars. I don't know why this amuses me as much as it does, but I really like it.

7. The way my muscles are sore after working out hard at the gym

8. Going shopping and getting a REALLY good deal on something I really wanted.

9. Walking into my house after it's all clean and neat.

10. Baking good sweet treats and then eating them! Yay for Christmas Cookies!!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I don't have a good title for this. I was shooting for something meaningful, then for something funny, but I'll settle for this long rambling one

This past friday I hooked up with one of my 'special friends'

He was in town to talk to some work contact, so he came in Friday night and we spent the evening together and he did his work stuff on saturday.

It was very nice. We had a nice dinner and drinks in a little dive on the west side of the Large City I live near. He had a nice hotel room. We had some really awesome sex. He did some work on his computer while I enjoyed cable tv. I had someone to sleep next too, I love sleeping with someone warm and cuddly. We woke up and had sex again. We took showers, kissed goodbye, and drove off to our respective destinations. When he's in town again one of these days, he'll let me know and we'll do it again.

This is all that this relationship will ever be. It will never progress beyond this. I made my peace with that a long time ago. I have made contact several times through the years. I didn't have to do that. He has made contact with me several times through the years. I didn't have to return his calls. I could have allowed it to die a natural death.

I've been thinking since friday why I continue with this. I feel genuine affection for this man, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. He's funny and smart and I think he's sexy, though I know others will disagree with me. He always treats me with respect and is never rude or insulting. I've figured out that what he brings is an intimacy. We've known each other a lot of years, and while I don't even pretend to know his life, and he mine, we still have a connection that was forged and refined over many years.

But while I was driving to meet him, and most of the weekend after, I kept thinking that while it was nice to have that bit of affection and close contact, I really wanted more. I want that, but I want much more than that. I want someone who is like that all the time.

I want a boyfriend. Someone to watch crappy movies with, go out and eat with, hang out with and hang out with friends with. Someone to curl up with at night. I want that intimacy, to know someone so well that you don't have to 'do' anything, that just being together is enough.

One of these days I'll find a serious relationship. When that happens, what we had will die. I might occasionally text or email him and see how his life is going, but the intimate connection will be broken. I'll be sort of sorry that day. It amazes me now, thinking of it, that I will be sad to let go of that part of my life, of that small interaction. He is a link to a younger me, a more innocent me. A person I will never be again.

He is the last remaining vestige of the young woman that I was. I will miss him when he's gone, because he will take a piece of me with him. I hope he feels the same way. Not with regret because of what won't be, but with affection of what was.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Very short rant

I'm really tired of the quote:

" You may be only one person in the world, but you may be the world to one person. "

It was nice when I heard the song. It was ok the first 300 time I heard/read it. Now, it annoys me.

Dear Compulsive Email Forwarders: Get a new quote!! Sincerely, SMurF.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I'm back.

So.

I have gotten out of the habit of blogging. And it is a habit, paying attention to what is happening on a daily basis and thinking about what to write about and how to write. For me, this is an exercise that I take a bit of pleasure in. Finding the right words to say what I want to say and how to make feelings and ideas and visual things come to life on a blank page. or white computer screen. whichever.

This morning my brand-new Godson was baptized. (side: [in a baby voice] he's so cute!!) And as such events can be, they are fraught with family drama. His Family vs. Her Family. In-laws, extended family, and small children. All of which can be prone to over-reactions and melt downs.

However, I am reminded once again to look around very carefully before you say something you might not want to be overheard saying.

It was innocuous enough a comment, but since I know some of the back story, it was rather catty and a little uncalled for. And since I am one of the mom's best friends and the baby's baptismal sponsor and it was a rather small room, the smart and politically correct thing to do would have been to LOOK AROUND and see who else was close by. Also, you need to be very sure of the person you are talking to. Just because someone is nice to you and is laughing with you does not mean that they are on your side. After all, you keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Friends reading blogs.

My very good friend MLK reads this blog.

I made a post awhile back and while the content was right, the application was too passive-aggressive. It involved MLK.

And she will undoubtedly get upset that I'm writing this rather than just saying it.

But I'm much better on paper. I have the chance to think thoughts through, to choose the best words to project what I'm trying to say and do it without the emotion that usually gets in the way verbally.

Awhile back, MLK finally had it with her psycho boss and through a series of events ended up in my lab. So far the friendship has held up, despite being quite different in our approach to research.

We sometimes have a hard time working together. She was in a lab alone for 3 years, and it's been a bit of a transition for her. And apparently, I'm not used to working with the same person all day. Prior to MLK working in our lab, I worked with 1 person (obnoxious grad student, who is, btw, GONE from campus!!! yeah!) for the animal stuff, another person with the experiment stuff, and by myself for the admin stuff I do. I'm not used to having to explain or justify why I do things, and I'm not used to having to take other people's opinions into account. Previously, when I did the animal stuff, I did it, and others helped me. But I did the planning, the writing, the documenting and the data analysis. I had help challenging and checking animals. And no one really wanted or cared to help me with the other stuff. Which, it turns out, was FINE with me.

So sometimes I'm thinking something and I forget to include MLK in my thinking. Sometimes I feel like an idea is wrong, but I can't with any logic explain why. Often the logic behind it will come to me several days later, but by then it is too late.

Sometimes MLK and I aren't on the same clock. She moves slower than I do. Sometimes MUCH slower than I do. Most days I just take a breath, smile, and move on. Some days, though, I just want to scream MMMOOOOOVVVVEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! At that point I stop, take 2 or 3 deep breaths, and then smile and move on.

I haven't been blogging because some of the things I need to blog about include MLK. And I know she reads my blog.

So this is where I am.

Do I continue to (can't find the right word...not edit, but.....?? starts with con...??) edit myself? Or do I press through?

My first thought is that this is my blog, this is my voice. Good or bad, right or wrong, nice or not, this is my voice. I try to make this place true to my voice, that what I present here is who I am.

MLK, you're one of my best friends. We have to work this out, because I miss writing in my blog.

Dear God, give me the right words. Amen.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Envy, regret and age

Last night at my gym class there was a mother/daughter combo who have started coming.

The mother is close to my age, maybe a little older. Out of shape, but not overweight. Well, not obviously so.

The daughter is mid teens. She wasn't wearing a bra. And she didn't need one. She had a little tiny waist. Not much coordination.

I remember when I didn't need a bra. I could wear a size 0 jean. I don't envy her youth. I don't envy the hard lessons she has yet to learn. I don't envy the broken hearts she hasn't had yet. I do envy the lack of bra and tiny waist. I envy the cute tops she can still pull off. I envy the realization that her entire life is before her, and she can choose whichever path she wants.

I regret the extra 40 pounds, but not the years it has taken me to get them. I regret some of the choices I've made, but I don't regret the big ones. And I still say that I when I get old, I want to regret the chances I've taken, not the ones I was scared to.

But I REALLY envy the being able to not wear a bra. I REALLY REALLY envy that.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

My dad

I've realized something today.

My dad coming to help me paint my bedroom has less to do than me and more to do with him.

He's bored, and he's not doing this for me, he's doing this for him.
Coming to help me he has to travel with mom and all of mom's medicine and equipment. He has to worry about mom. He has to mix and paint and clean and think and paint some more.

I'm sure he doesn't realize this, I can tell by the way he acts, in his mind he's saving his poor single daughter. He's taking care of me. And I guess I'm a good enough daughter that I'm willing to let him.

Dear God, help me remember that often life isn't about me. It's more often than not about my friends and family and how we take care of each other. Give me the insight to tell the difference, and the grace to do what's best. Amen.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

2 new websites

Ok, I found 2 new websites that had me rolling on the floor.

check out

I had to post this: Lies parents tell

And

People of Walmart

Both made me laugh out loud, and the world can always use more laughter.

help

Upon reading the last couple of posts, my blog has taken a decidedly depressing and whiny tone.

I apologize for that.

My dad is coming on saturday to help me finish the paint in my bedroom.

He was going to come help me thursday. I said, 'Well, I have to work, so if you do that, you'll have to do it alone. How about Saturday?'

Oh! Well, I guess we could do that!

...

Dad, see there's this thing called a job

Seriously, once you retire do you think everyone else in your world has retired? It wasn't that long ago that both of my parents worked full time jobs.

Anyway, my bedroom will be painted by sunday. I'm ready.

Monday, August 31, 2009

I don't understand

I hate dating. with every particle of my heart and soul, I hate dating. It sucks the joy, the enthusiasm, the kindness, the affection, all of the good parts of you out through your eyes and leaves a cold hard bitter angry hurtful thing in it's wake.

I'm at a loss.

I'm not bad looking. I'm not mean. I'm not greedy or manipulative. I don't smoke. I'm pretty easy going. I'll watch baseball and football and crappy westerns. I'm not much for basketball, though. I have a job. I'm smart. I'm funny. I generally have a good disposition. I'm not overly clingy. I'm not jealous. I'm not baby-crazy.

I don't understand.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

This weekend

I sit here tonight thinking about the weekend. This isn't a very exciting post. Or very deep. or insightful. or even introspective. It's just an accounting of my weekend.

Friday night some friends and I gathered at another friends house. We ate a great meal and then we were going to watch a movie. We ended up just talking for several hours. Which was just as nice, and IMHO, was even better than a movie, anyway.

Saturday I went to an LWML meeting, where I am reminded that I get 1 year off and then I promised that I would take over the roll of President for our Zone. What was I thinking??? Why did I promise such a thing??? I guess God will give me the strength and words I need to handle this task, since I opened my stupid mouth and agreed.

Saturday I prepped my bedroom to be painted. Then I figured out that I first must seal the wallpaper. Then I realized that I have to do something about the trim at the top of the wall. So, tomorrow I will take a razor and remove the parts that are coming loose, apply sheetrock mud to it, sand it a little, and paint it. I'm not sure what I'll do if it doesn't work. I guess I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. Then I sat and watched my crappy old british sit-coms on PBS. A good night.

Today I went to church and there was a pot-luck that I had completely forgotten about. I wasn't going to stay, but there really was enough food, so I stayed and had a little to eat.

Then, the clown. Karen was and always is a gracious friend. I strive to be like her in this way. We had a nice time, and I agreed to try to start clowning again in the fall. They picked up potentially 53 new clowns at the Welcome New Medical Students! event. I told her that I would try to come of the events.

My balloon animals aren't the best. It's been a long time since I tried to make any. My makeup also left a little to be desired, as I hadn't done any clown makeup in a couple of years. But even with that, the kids LOVED us. There were only 6 or 7 kids, but we made probably 30-ish balloons, some of which went to the adults, too. We were there for about 45 minutes and the kids began to go do other things, so it worked well. We were ready to leave by then, too. It was hot out there in long-sleeved clown outfits! The Hostess wanted to give us money, but I knew Karen better than that. We agreed that the Hostess should donate the money to LWML. To our Ladies Aid. Karen liked it, and so did the Hostess. Win-Win!

We went to the beach tonight. There was a coolness to the breeze. It won't be long and the air will be too cool to go out to the beach in the evening. Summer is almost over.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Friends

I've been very lax about blogging lately.

I'm not sure why.

Sometimes I'm a bad friend, and I don't treat my friends right.

Example: My friend Karen and I did the coffee/lemonade/cookie rounds in the children's hospital for a couple of years, most wednesday evenings after work. It was fun. She is the driving force behind the Clown troop associated with my university. Mostly it is medical students, but there are some grad students and staff and a few faculty who are also involved. I'm not big on clowning, I did it because it meant so much to Karen, but after awhile I just stopped participating.

Karen retired, but still came in on wednesday nights and did the rounds with me. When Ike hit, it was a relief to give it up. It had become a burden, a chore. I didn't like that, but I didn't want to abandon Karen either. After Ike, we talked about it and she was relieved, too.

Occasionally she will come to my work and we'll go out to lunch. It's been less and less frequent, just my job and her schedule and life in general.

Not long ago I told her that I would call her for lunch, and then, and I can't even plead forgetfulness or anything, I just blew her off. Like, totally. And I know she knows, and she knows that I know that she knows, and we both know. And I feel bad. I shouldn't have done it. I should have taken the time and made room and gone to lunch with her.

Now, I have asked her to help me clown at a friend's kid's birthday party. This is a huge favor, she doesn't do birthdays or non-Clown events. And because she is a good friend, and probably a better friend than I am at the moment, she has agreed to help me.

I feel bad all the way around. She's helping me do this thing that she doesn't usually do, right after I totally blew her off for lunch. She will be using her supplies, balloons, stickers and bubbles, to help me do this. And I don't have much of a way to repay her kindness. I've told her that I will clown at any upcoming event she wants me to. My friend has offered to pay us for supplies, I think Karen will take it, if for nothing else than to buy more supplies.

So. Sometimes I'm a bad friend. And I hate that. There are times that I just can't stop myself from doing things that aren't very nice. Not that I do things that are destructive or harmful or dangerous, just things like blow off lunch plans with a good friend for no decent reason. This the same part of my personality that will tell people, 'Of Course, I'd be glad to help' or 'Yes, please call me and we'll go out!' and then I don't help, and I don't return the phone call. Or I will volunteer to be a president and then NOT want to do it when I get nominated.

I know this reflects badly on my character, and that I come off looking less than trustworthy, less than honorable, like a total flake. And I hate that. But I can't seem to stop.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Saturday it will be DONE.

So, my boss was out today, so I left work early.

I came home and sealed all of the grout in my house.

I had cleaned the floor tile in the sunroom several times, so the grout was VERY clean and it sealed easy. And I got the little more expensive sealer. I did the sealing in grids, and it sometimes overlapped a little. You could tell, because the part that had already been sealed wouldn't take any more sealant. It went so well, I went ahead and and sealed all of the grout in the bathroom.

Now, the tile in the sunroom is ceramic. But the accent tile in the bath is stone. So I went ahead and sealed not just the grout but the stones themselves. It seems dumb, but they looked better when it was done. They have a little bit of sparkle?

Anyway, it looks nice, but now I have to take a bath tonight because the sealant hasn't cured yet.

The house does look better, it's cleaned and coming back together. Also, apparently I went so long without a stove, I want to cook. I've made several meals, like real meals with veggies and everything, in the last 2 weeks.

Dad will make the final payment on saturday, and this will be DONE. All that's left is cleaning, and I'm mostly done with that. My bedroom is finally empty of all of the bath stuff that I've been storing in it, so it really is easier to sleep. It's neat and orderly and easier to sleep in.

It's coming together. And with it, my sanity. Welcome back, sweet sanity.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Every breath is a risk

This morning on my way to work I went through an intersection that is sometimes a little unsafe. People run the red light often, and you have to watch carefully. When the light turns green, I always look at the cross traffic to make sure everyone is slowing down for the red light.

This morning I looked, didn't see anyone so I went through about a second after it turned green, and was glad I did.

Just as I cleared the intersection a small Ford SUV blew through the light at close to 40mph. Fortunately, the car behind me was a little slow getting going.

This was so close to being a catastrophic event that it gave me a rush of adrenaline. I started sweating and shaking and had to pull over until it all stopped.

A second earlier and he would have T-boned me. A collision at that speed would have been a severe life-threatening injury, possibly death.

Life is a risk. Every breath we take, every time we get in the car, every heartbeat is a risk. You never know where death, disability, life changing events will come from.

Dear God, remind me always that we take this minute, day, life for granted, but remind me also that this life is still a transitory one, and that the next life is one much better than this one. Amen.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

HA!

See, I hate when my dad is right. It really galls me. Sometimes he isn't, and while I don't gloat or anything, it makes my day and I smile for several days.

But when he's right, it just irritates me.

It doesn't seem like it should be too hard to put handles on cabinet doors.

At least these are the bathroom doors and not the kitchen.

But, I want handles on 3 and pull knobs on the rest. I tried, but it didn't work. I couldn't get it to quite line up. Now there are holes in the door, and I must put a handle in those spots.

Fortunately, I have a few men who can help in these instances. If I knew of a woman who was good at that sort of thing then I would have used a woman, but the pastor of my church is a handyman, and he has agreed to come help me and help me fix what I did wrong.

Thank you God. Amen.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

hehehe ooops!

fyi, this is also posted on my facebook, so if you've read that, then you've read this, too.

So, turns out my stove is fine. I'm impatient, slightly bitchy, and a little high-strung at the moment. But the stove is fine.

I found this out because, being the scientist that I am, I decided that I should do a better test of the stove before I started calling in a repair guy.

Turns out that the green OVEN light is only on when gas is being fed into the line to maintain the temperature. As long as the Green BAKE light is on, the stove is on.

I'm SO glad I didn't call in a repair guy. That would have so humiliating, and rather demoralizing, too.

Dear God, thank you for letting me develop the stops that make me double check myself. Thank you for helping me not leap before I look. Amen

Monday, August 3, 2009

My first meal in my brand new oven...

So I thought, sort of starting over, I'd put some easy things into the freezer for some quick meals.

I thought I'd put away some chicken nuggets, I cut up chicken breasts into chunks, nuggets if you will, bread them with Shake and Bake and freeze them. Then I take a few out of the bag, pop them into the oven, and TADA, easy meal.

So, I cut up 4 breasts, breaded them, took 10 out and put them into the oven. While the nuggets were baking, I laid the rest out in a single layer and put them into the freezer.

Then I turned around and looked at the stove.

Which had stopped cooking.

It has a digital front, you push the Bake button, push the UP arrow for the temp, then push Bake again. Then 2 lights come on, one that says Bake and one that says Preheat. Both lights were out. The broiler still worked, so I broiled them the rest of the way, which resulted in very dry and tough nuggets.

So, to recap, my BRAND NEW STOVE that was just installed last week now doesn't work. It is still under warranty, so I will have someone come out and fix it for free.

But, Come on. Really? I need this, HOW?? The kitchen and bath were started in June, and I haven't minded. I'm ready for them to be done, but I want it done correctly, so I've been patient. But seriously. I WANT MY OVEN, and I WANT IT TO WORK PROPERLY.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

home

Today I cleaned my kitchen, put in shelf liners, and put away most of my kitchen stuff.

Tonight, I made a meal, ate it, and put the dishes into the washer.

I have laundry going, and I took a shower in my new shower.

Yay!!

I'll post some pictures of the house soon.

Despite my father's best attempt, I'm finally excited to have a pretty new-ish home.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

"Wedding" Trivia Friday

I know I'm not married, but I can do these!

Three movies with "wedding(s)" in the title: Wedding Singer, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Wedding Planner

Three songs with "wedding(s)" in the title: white wedding,

Three movies with "bride(s)" in the title: Father of the bride, Princess Bride, Bride of Frankenstein

Three songs with "marriage" or "marry" (or some variation) in the title:

Two famous brides from history or pop culture: Princess Diana, Madonna?

Two famous couples who are/were married for more than 30 years: George Burns and Gracie Allen,

Something old that a bride might have with her on her wedding day: heirloom handkerchief

Something new that a bride might have with her on her wedding day: dress

Something borrowed that a bride might have with her on her wedding day: earrings

Something blue that a bride might have with her on her wedding day: garter

Have you noticed that I don't ever know the song ones? OK, so maybe I don't know everything about weddings.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

YAY!!!!!!!!

So, I'm having side effects from the bi-polar medication. At least, that's what the spasms and tremors are. Right now they're annoying, but not intrusive in my life. I'll go back in 2 months and see where we are. If they get worse I may have to change the medication, which would be bad.

If I have change the medication, I won't be back to normal and stable for 7 or 8 weeks, and that assumes we hit the correct dose early on.

The dizzy spells are probably from a physical flaw in my inner ear, the hairs in the labrinth part of the inner ear aren't set quite right. I have a physical therapy to try at home, if that doesn't help I'll be referred to an ENT and see what they can do.

Also, I took a shower for the first time in my brand new bathtub. I like my shower head I picked out, and the hot water came in fast enough.

So, the afternoon was an all-around success.

The morning? not as much, but I'll post that another day.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My appointment with the neurologist is tomorrow.

I'm having trouble talking myself into taking my pills and going to sleep.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Friday Trivia!

It's time for Trivia Friday! Go HERE for the 411 and rules.

1. Three bald (or mostly bald) guys: Patrick ___________ (jean luke piccard), Vin (ven? van?) Diesel, Sean Connery

2. Three female celebrities who were known for their hairdos: Dolly Parton, Lady Godiva, Brittany Spears (lack of hairdo)

3. Three actors known (or reputed to be) very hairy: Burt Reynolds?

4. Three famous haircuts: Mullet, Mohawk, Beehive

5. Two actresses known for their wig lines: Miley Cyrus?

6. Two male celebrities known for their facial hair: Tom Selleck, Walter Cronckrite

7. Two women with weaves:

8. Two really awesome TV moments involving hair pulling or wig removal: !!! Seinfeld! Elaine pulls off George's toupee, and I know there is a carol burnett skit where they pull someone's hair off.

I guess I don't know any more about hairy celebrities than I did about music trivia.

Oh well. I hope I'll think of more before Monday.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

DAMN!!

Ok, so already this isn't a great day anyway.

I got the shakes half way through the day, it took a couple of hours to go away completely.

Just now, something came in through the back door. Lumpy went CRAZY!!!! hissing and screaming. The cat door was set to shut behind them as they came them.

It wasn't a cat.

It was a large freaking raccoon.

It scrabbled at the door, I tried to get close enough to it to get the door open for it, but it managed to grab under the flap and get out of the house.

My hands, body, heart is shaking again.

Somewhere is the back of my mind I'm thinking, 'If I have a breakdown, all of this will just have to take care of itself.'

I think I need to go see my psychiatrist.

I'm so tired

I don't like confrontation.

I'm willing to fight battles that need to be fought, but I don't like fighting someone else's battle.

The construction ran over bid...surprise!

The garage and bath are both really close, under $500 for each project.

But the kitchen.

I'm between Isaac and Dad, the 2 money men, one from each side.

And I'm trying to run interference.

If I could go back 3 months, I would have told dad thanks, but no thanks. I didn't want this burden, I thought dad would be the one running the money interference. This is making my stomach hurt.

What's worse, this makes me look quite incompetent in my dad's eyes. And I had just sort of gotten to where he didn't think that of me.

As nice as the house looks, right now I just want it to be over with. It doesn't make me happy, it makes my stomach hurt. It makes me cringe, it makes me cry, it makes me just unhappy. That's terrible, because it looks gorgeous. But I don't even want to use it, because right now all it's just a large painful thing in my life.

WOOHOO!

I am having my appliances delivered on Friday Evening!

The construction manager will come next week and hook up the lines for the ice maker and dish washer.

My house is mine again!!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Rather pissed off at work

So, 2 weeks ago it became clear that I would begin to lose my vacation time because I had accrued too much time.

I told my boss that I would like to take 2 days off, last week thursday and friday. He threw a fit! Imagine, my taking 2 days off! Right when we had just gotten word that we are approved to do animal work!

So, I worked my ass off last monday, tuesday and wednesday, so that when I left the lab on wednesday to go pick up my friend at the airport, I had done everything possible to prepare for the animal challenge that we would be doing monday morning.

When I left town thursday morning, there was only 1 thing I needed to call and have taken care of before monday. Now, that's pretty impressive when you consider what all I needed to coordinate.

I got back sunday evening, had a great time (Ate Beignet's, drank coffee, drank tequila, got my tarot cards read, bought a pretty picture and 2 pretty masks).

We got to the airport in time, again, pretty impressive, and I waved my girlfriend goodbye at the security gate.

I got to work monday morning, the animal challenge went reasonably well, only a couple of minor glitches considering that we haven't done it for 10 months.

I find out monday that both Jian and Tanya, who are both required to be present for animal challenges, are both taking ALL OF NEXT WEEK OFF. Yes, all 5 days! And Dr. C has said nothing. NOTHING. I got my butt chewed for several hours because i dared to take 2 days, but they can take 5 days, 1 week, and get NOTHING???

I couldn't figure out why I was in such a bad mood tuesday. I finally figured it out, I was PISSED!

I WILL be taking my vacation day each month, and I will be taking 1 sick day each month, too.

I've also gone in late tuesday and wednesday, and I'll go in late tomorrow, and probably friday, too.

2 years ago

Friday is my 2 year blogaversity, I made my first post on July 24, 2007.

I've been thinking about this lately.

Where was I two years ago?

I already had the house, I bought it in october 06. Mom and dad had helped me paint the house in spring 07.

It was right about 2 years ago that mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. We've gone from Small Regional hospital, to Long term care hospital, back to Small Regional hospital, now to Large Cancer Hospital, and finally, we are at a 'Level we can live with'. We can begin to pick up where we left off 2 years ago. Prayerfully with the active and vibrant woman I remember.

I wasn't yet friends with Michelle. I was friends, but rather distant kind of friends with, Katie and Brett and they're very small daughter, and jennifer, and ted. We were still doing the 'Bible study', and it was actually still a bible study, not just a gathering of friends eating a meal together.

I had just picked up the Obnoxious Grad Student, and she was making my life hell.*

I had lost Sinatra by the time I started this blog, and I had already been strong-armed into taking my Annie and Puffalump, who would eventually come to be loved as 'mine'. I had also already taken in Howler, and was remembering what it was like to live with a kitten.

I was single, not dating anyone, Chuck had broken up with me in april 07, and I was between men. It wouldn't be until July 08 that I started dating the Ex. wow, I didn't realize that it had been that long. damn, I really have been single most of my life. That's just sad.

I dont' think I had started at the gym yet, I started that in 08 sometime.

*She's gone now!! Not from campus, but from my lab! Yippee!*

Friday, July 10, 2009

Does 2 days off work count as a vacation?

I'm about to start losing vacation days, I'm reaching my maximum accrual limit, and extra hours are rolled over into sick time. Which sucks, because when you leave or retire, you don't get paid for sick leave that you have accrued.

As an aside, my dad worked for the Large City Police Department, and when he started there wasn't a limit on accruals, and they paid sick leave, so my dad didn't work for a year, they paid him out of sick leave and vacation time, and THEN he retired. Nice.

Anyway, I decided to take next thursday and friday off, I called a dear friend of mine, and we are going to New Orleans next week. I'm very excited.

Now, we just got our clearance to start our animal again, so my boss is chomping at the bit to get started doing experiments again.

Let's look at my initial schedule next week:

Monday: Dr. appointment for mom, starting at 6:45, going until I don't know when, I might or might not make it into work
Tuesday: Neuro appointment at 2:30 in the afternoon, further north, much closer to Large City than I am, which means that I would need at least a half day to accomplish this.
Wednesday: work
Thursday and friday: New Orleans.

I didn't think I would push my boss that far, so I rescheduled the neuro appointment, and will try very hard to get to work in the afternoon, I will work all out tuesday and wednesday, and be gone! gone! thursday and friday.

I also missed a dentist's appointment this week.

I rescheduled both for the 29th. I'll be gone all day from work, dentist in the morning, neuro in the afternoon. And besides, there is a part of me that really doesn't want to go. I really don't want to know.

I think I might try to find someone who can go with me. Because I'm a little scared. But not my parents. Not yet. I don't want to worry them unnecessarily. If it's not bad news, then no big deal. If it is, then I'll update them then.

Friday post

It's really weird. I have things to write about. I have things happening to me that are funny, difficult, heartening, irritating, etc etc.

But I finally realized what it is.

And this is really stupid.

But, my house isn't done. My cave is in disarray. And apparently, when my refuge is no longer a safe place, parts of my brain stop working.

The only similarity I can use is when I work with animals.

When I work with animals, I turn off the emotional part of my brain. I can do what I need to do, but I distance my heart, my compassion, my emotions from what my hands and brain are doing.

Apparently, when everything is in bedlam, I shut off part of my personality. I'm not sure what part of my being that I'm turning off, but whatever it is contains the part of me that blogs. I also have a hard time reading other people's blogs.

Thus, I will post small things occasionally, but I hope to be back once my house is done and my life begins to return to some semblance of normal.

Dear God, for awhile there I was praying for peace. I guess you're trying to teach me how to be peaceful when life around me isn't? I don't like this lesson any more than I did the patience or strength lessons. I'm very patient and very strong. I'm not sure I need any more peace. Amen.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Phone rings one more time, one last email is received...

*Woman running crazily from the building, pulling her hair out in clumps, screaming and babbling incoherently*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, July 3, 2009

Good News, all the way around

Mom: We were at her oncologist's today, there is no fluid in her lungs, her heart is in great shape, and the cancer in her lungs is very responsive to a drug. She has to take 1 pill, probably the rest of her life. She will never be in remission, she will always have it, but it will be well maintained. They don't want to see her for 3 months.

My job: finally finally finally FINALLY our animal lab is open again. The lab that I do my primary work in, the one that actually pays my paycheck, has finally been approved by the Governmental Agencies to begin our work.

My friend: My friend who was home on bedrest is doing much better now, and in fact she is cleared to go back to work on monday. They will have their first child home with them again shortly.

Myself: I had the massage yesterday, and I feel much better. I slept very well last night. With mom's and work's good news, I should sleep well tonight. I will go visit my family tomorrow, spend time with my niece, and come home sunday.

OH!! Forgot (that says something). ex texted me today, Did I want to do something today? I deleted it. yay me!

Dear God, thank you for some good new! Amen

Gave in to temptation

Yesterday afternoon I gave in and stopped on the way home from the hospital.

I walked into a Massage franchise and got a massage. 1 1/2 hours for $57.

My shoulders, back and rear end are so sore, but OMG do I feel better. I slept hard and sound last night. I'm calm and peaceful this morning. My mind is a ease.

I may have to do this again in a couple of weeks.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Thought for the day.

Is it just me, or is it a little narcissistic to create a facebook quiz titled "How well do you know me?"

I haven't created one. I tend a little narcissistic anyway, so this would just aggravate that. Plus, I would be worried that no one would be able to answer it very well, and then that would hurt my feelings and I would wonder what kind of friend I actually was if no one could (or would) pass the test I set forth for them.

Anyway.

That's my thought for the day.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

*smile* LOL!

I've been reading a blog, MTAE. I like reading him, his posts run the range, funny smart serious sad family work friends.

Sometimes, as I'm writing a post, I write it just to see what kind of comment he'll leave me. For a perfect example, please read the next post down.

MTAE: Your comments, or lack there of, are always appreciated. You crack me up. I hope the feeling is mutual!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Still Single

I'm 34.

I'm single.

I have been single for the vast majority of my life.

Thus, as you might guess, I am frequently horny. Surprised?

Now, in my life, there have been a couple of 'special friends'. There is, however, only 1 that has stood the test of time. We've been crossing our paths for 12 years now. I was supposed to see him this week, but his schedule didn't open up like he thought it would. We're both hoping for this week.

I'm not good at being single.

One guy noted, upon dating me for a month or two, that I never turned down sex.

Apart from 1-night-stands, I don't, as a rule, turn down sex. Especially when I'm dating someone. That's one of the major reasons that I date. For the sex. Because why would I deal with the rest of the whole relationship-stuff if I didn't get some boy-girl action?

I have in front of me a situation. Which I should not act on. Because it will only lead to bad things. I'm not sure it's even a situation. It's more in my mind than anything else. But being single and horny, it is a rather prominent thought in my head.

Yeah. That's it. Just needed to put into words. I probably won't act on it. I usually don't. But it's there.

Dear God, if you don't want me to continue to have sex outside of marriage, please, GIVE ME SOMEONE TO MARRY!!! Amen.

That was more of a demand than a prayer, wasn't it? hmm

Monday, June 22, 2009

short update

Update:

The neuro appointment is in mid july.

My friend Katie is home. still having very very tiny contractions and on modified bed rest at home, but doing better. Her daughter is being taken care of by various and sundry family members.

The tile for the kitchen and bath have been picked and laid already. The kitchen is awesome! It's a different tile, but it looks so cool in that room. The bathroom is good, the tub surround is done, the floor will be laid tomorrow. Now I just need to pick colors for the walls.

The AC is great! It's much more efficient than it was.

The sink, toilet and tub are going to be either bisque or almond, I'm not sure which.

On the bad side, mom's cancer has spread to the epithelial (surface) of her lungs, it is causing fluids to build up and making it hard to breath and do anything other than sleep. They're probably going to insert a drain tube to help keep it clear. Dad had a melt down. I'm going to start going to all of her appointments with him.

They're anticipating having the house done in 2 weeks. My sanctuary will finally be mine again.

I exchanged my digital converter box, and the new one works ok, but I still don't get FOX or PBS. My cell phone contract is expired. I think I'm going to cave in and get the AT&T triple pack, cell phone, home internet and cable/satellite/whatever. I hate that. But part of my sanctuary is my tv, and I want my tv, so that means I'm going to have to suck it up and do something about it. I hate that.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

{explosion} NOW WHAT?!?!?

I sent this as an email to a friend, but it hightlighted what's been going on in my life pretty well, so I'm posting it here. I will update on the neuro appointment.

It's just been a hard time lately.

I've been having tremors and muscle spasms for awhile now, but they're getting more frequent and severe, so I had an appointment with neurology on Monday, but my brother called last night and the fluid they took from mom's lungs 3 weeks ago is showing something, but the doctor said it's not something he will discuss over the phone, so instead of the neurology appt I'm going in with the family to talk with mom's oncologist. That pushed my neuro appointment until middle of July.

My friend Katie is having pre-term labor and they are having a hard time getting it under control. She's 5 months, which is viable, but that's still way too early to deliver. They have a 2 1/2 year old that I'm helping take care of. Katie's parents have finally been called, so that's not on me, but I still worry.

My kitchen and bathroom are being updated, so the house is in total chaos. I had to completely empty the kitchen and bath, which is all in my second bedroom, and the garage, which I thought would be organized by now, isn't. They have been turning off the AC during the day, and turning it on at 5pm when they leave, when the house is 95, and the coils (? I think that) froze. They had to bring an AC guy out, but they had to leave the fan running until it all thawed, so last night I had all the windows open and fans on, which should have been enough, but the fan for the AC unit had to be on, so it was pumping hot air into the house faster than it could cool it down.

Tuesday night when I came home all of the smoke detectors were alarming and the Carbon Monoxide detector was screaming. I threw all the breakers in the house and managed to shut down the smoke detectors, but I had to rip the battery out of the CO monitor. When I plugged it back in it reset, so I'm thinking just a low battery? Not sure on that one.

I have picked out the bathroom floor tile and tub surround tile, the formica for the kitchen counters and the tile for the kitchen nook. I still have to pick out the sink/toilet/tub color, a vanity, the kitchen sink, get a new cat door and look for an interior door that matches the ones I already have. I still need to pick the paint color for the kitchen, nook, and bathroom.

I don't want to talk about work right now.

All I do is put out fires, and I'm running out of water. I can't process anything else. My brain is full to bursting, and I start my period in 3 days.

We have a random holiday tomorrow, Emancipation Day, instead of getting a 3 day weekend for 4th of July. My friend Michelle and I are going to the a water park here in our town tomorrow. Should be fun. Fresh air, sunshine and water should put me in a little better mood. At least, that's my hope.

Dear God, I don't think I can handle very much more right now. Keep my family and friends safe and healthy, and keep me sane. That last one wasn't a joke. If there was any time in my life that I needed my sanity, it's now. Amen.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Picture Wednesday

It was going to be wordless, but there's a story behind the pics:

My boss told our new lab person that she should have Jane* show here how to do a particular experiment because she was very careful and meticulous, and that she had received very high commendation from the department that trains us, and you could tell how good a worker she was by how clean her desk is:





Then, he looked at me. This is my lab desk:

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A Welcome Home!

I am having the kitchen and bath remodeled while I am living in it. I won't make this mistake again. Next time I'll go rent an apartment for 1 month.

I came home tonight to every fire alarm and the carbon monoxide detector.

Every one.

I took the battery out of the carbon monoxide detector. When I plugged it in it reset properly.

I still can't get the cats to come in.

Welcome Home!

That thing called a JOB

So I had to email my dad about something, and I needed a reply, and then he needed a reply.

I sent my message at around noon. He replied around 2. I was in another lab away from my phone and computer. At 2:30 he calls my phone and tells me I need to check my computer because he emailed me and I hadn't responded. When I got done WORKING, I sat down at my computer and phone. And found both the email and the phone message.

Does anyone else see the irony here? That he was frustrated that he couldn't get in touch with me during the day, while I was at work? Because I was working??

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I haven't been able to post anything for quite awhile now. I'm not sure why. I think I've just been overwhelmed.

I've had a full and busy couple of weeks. The contractors, the garage, the car, friends and family and phone calls. OMG the phone calls. I haven't had this many phone calls in AGES. Not that I'm complaining, necessarily. I love that I have friends who call me and want to talk to me, but it feels like I'm talking on the phone all the time right now.

There are the Sunday Evenings at the beach, which I LOVE, but they take up time, too.

Worrying about getting the kitchen and bath cleared out so that they contractors could start demolishing them, but first I had to clean out my extra bedroom so that I've been putting off for months so that I would have a place to PUT the stuff from the kitchen. That took an entire afternoon.

Mom and dad came down Labor Day weekend (and we had a talk about the new car and how it happened and why I hadn't told them (dad's comment was, 'You've gone through more cars than I've ever owned)) and we went and bought the appliances, new oven, fridge and dishwasher (YIPPEE!! Dishwasher!!!). I had to buy the tankless water heater, and since the old one was gas, I bought a gas tankless. Then the contractors were looking at it and decided that the vent kit I bought wouldn't fit the house design, and then we talked some more and I was reminded that we had decided to go with an Electric, so I had to go back to Lowes and exchange it.

My pregnant friend was in a car accident the other day, so she was in the hospital and I was thinking and worrying about her, plus I've been trying to go to the gym.

And, I'm supposed to be picking out tile for the bathroom floor and tub surround, and the sink I want and the formica for the counter tops, plus the vanity and sink for the bathroom, which is harder than I thought it would be.

And then there's the ex, who is still texting me and working me into a tizzy (I know, I know. Really. I know).

wow, when I write it all out, that seems like a lot to deal with in 3 weeks.

And I haven't even mentioned work.

I made an appointment today with a neurologist. The spasms I've been having are getting worse and more frequently, and the tremors are coming more often, and I'm slurring words and don't know it, my friend michelle pointed this out. I hope it's just tired and drug side effects. Because I don't want to contemplate any of the terrible things that might cause that list of symptoms.

Dear God: Give me peace and strength to handle all that life is tossing at me right now. Keep me in your arms and remind me that you want every good thing for me, and that this too, shall pass. Amen.

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