Saturday, November 29, 2008

The Teacher and I

So, I'm taking a pilates/yoga/floor weight class at the gym I belong too.  Our teacher has been sick for the last 2 weeks with a pretty sever flu.  She's finally feeling better, so I got a text message this morning, was I coming to the saturday morning class?  I've been missing the class, it makes me feel better when I'm done, so I texted back if she was up to it, so was I.

I got to the gym this morning, it was just me and her.  It was a little odd, but a little nice, she tailored the class to what I can do, with a little extra to push me.  I didn't think I'd like it, but I did.

Learn something new every day, don't I?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The truth comes out...

So, finally, tonight, talking with Ex, it comes out that his mom was probably undiagnosed bi-polar, had severe mood swings and emotional outbursts, erratic, irrational, was in general hard to keep happy, etc.

He saw me over-react, and instead of seeing me, he saw him mom. He flashed to an uphappy childhood and a hard-to-handle mom, and he shut down.

FINALLY! Finally, this makes sense. So, we had a talk. A good talk, for my half.

He called before he came over, 'You're not going to be all pissed off and crying, are you?'

No, I reassured him. I have no tears in me tonight. What we needed to talk about had nothing to do with tears.

We talked about what we wanted. He agreed that we both moved too fast. We both jumped from dating to Boyfriend/Girlfriend in less than a month. I told him, and he agreed with me, that I'm happy being single right now. I love my house, and I'm not ready to move out of it any time soon. I like going out with my friends, or going to the gym whenever I want. I like that I'm not tied to anyone, or anything. The thought of walking down an aisle in a white dress right now makes me hyperventilate. He looked a little shocked when I told him, but I was quite serious. If I think too hard about it I get the heebie-jeebies.

He left on good terms. I told him when he made a decision to let me know. No hard feelings either way. I had made my case, and the ball was squarely in his court. What he does with it is up to him.
Dear Lord, there IS someone, somewhere, eventually, Right? RIGHT? Amen.

Monday, November 24, 2008

(sigh) One More Time

My Ex contacted me last week. Again.

Let the record show that at no time in the last 2.5 months, apart from the letter, have I contacted him. Not once. I haven't even really thought about it. He pretty much let me know it was over, and I accepted it.

In the last 10 days he has contacted me twice. The first time was the accusation of me being a psycho stalker, but the second time, it was to see how I'd feel about hooking up occasionally.

We texted this weekend, and I told him we needed to talk, face to face. He got all edgy and worried, and I had to calm him down and tell him I was just better in person than on the phone. Plus, it gives me a couple of days to get my thoughts in order.

And I've thought about this a lot. I don't want a fuck-buddy, I've done that before, and I'm not really that interested in it again. I'm like a camel, now. I can go for months, probably a year or two, before I feel like I'll NEED sex. And even then, if that's what you're looking for, it just isn't hard to find someone willing to help out with that.

My friend MLK (she's a short little white girl, makes me laugh) who occasionally reads this blog, thinks it's a terrible idea, I shouldn't talk to him or have any more to do with him at all.

(sigh)

Here's a couple of problems with that, though:

I'm 33, and at this point I'm getting tired of being single. I'd like to try this one more time with ex, because I really do like him. He's smart, funny, cute, has a job, takes care of family, and except for his [totally juvenile] reaction to my [totally over-the-top] over-reaction, he acted like an adult.

And, I'm old enough to understand that when you click with someone, sometimes it is worth the energy in trying to make it work, though I admit that at this point, most of the trying will have to be coming from his side.

I still don't have his # in my cell phone. When he calls, I delete it. And since I don't have easy access to his number, this ensures that I won't be calling him, he'll be calling me. I think that's fair and right. The previous ending was of his making, thus the reconnecting should also come from him.

I guess at this point, I'll just wait and see what his reaction will be to our discussion. I'm not holding out much hope, which is good, because it really is a 50/50 chance. Since I'm a realist (as opposed to a pessimist or optimist), I realize that he could just as easily decide it isn't worth the effort from his side.

Dear Lord, HELP ME. Show me the path you want me to take, and I'll TAKE IT! I swear! Amen.

Totally Stole this from another site...



I found this at Knot all that, and I LOVED IT! It's on my desktop. I've watched it 2 or 3 times already.

Medication adjustment

So, part of the thing about being bi-polar, and taking medicine for it, is that occasionally the medicine stops working as well as it has in the past. It's a bit like a pendulum, the drugs keep it swinging within a given range, sometimes something will push it really hard, and my mood will swing beyond what the medicine can cover.

Sometimes, though, the range changes very slowly, over time, so that the ranges that the drugs are keeping me in the wrong range.

It's a bit like watching a small child grow. Day to day, you don't see any changes. But if you go back and look at pictures, look at outgrown clothes, or take them to see grandparents, then you start to notice all the changes.

I've been getting worse for many months. It started little, like being a little testy at work sometimes, but with little to no provocation. Then it was every day, then all the time, until finally a week or two back, I realized that NOTHING was making me happy. I was always testy, frustrated, just not quite right. So we adjusted both the seroquel, which is used to control the mania, but also the lamictal, which is the base mood stabilizer that keeps me pretty much on an even keel.

OMG. It's only been 2 weeks, and I totally see the difference. I am focused, I pay attention, I'm getting up in the morning and staying awake, I'm in a generally better mood, it's been great.

Dear Lord, thank you for my health insurance, and for a job that provides it, thank you for modern psychiatric medication, and for my very nice, very capable psychiatrist. Amen

Friday, November 21, 2008

Fever

So, does it happen to anyone else, that when you have a fever, you're eyes get all scratchy and painful? If I have a severe fever (above 100) my eyes feel like they have sand in them.

Is this just me?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Another Awakening

As is my wont, I have gone over the last conversation with Ex.


I've replayed it probably 1000 times in the last 5 days, and I think I've come to an understanding.


Right after he quit calling, I had several people tell me I Was Played, but I just didn't agree with that--those same people called me a fool, but I forgive them ;).


I've been played before, and that's not how this one felt. I know what it feels like to get played. Usually you can look back at the relationship and see the clues, you can see the lies, you can see the patterns that you couldn't see while you were IN the relationship. I've been played, and it sucks.


But this last one just didn't feel like that. His affection felt genuine, it felt real. There was a depth to our time together that hasn't been there for several boyfriends. He actually liked my company, we enjoyed our time together. Something about the way he talked to me, how he treated me, it was REAL, he wasn't faking it just to get laid. I think that's why it confused me so much, and upset me so much, when he stopped calling.


I've gone over that last conversation a thousand times in the last 5 days. And I think I've figured it out.


When I initially told him I had the bi-polar issue, he was sort of flustered, insecure, alarmed by it, but he didn't want to show me that it hit him hard. I could see that it did, but I figured that it would just take time for him to adjust to the idea, to see that I was just a normal woman.


And then I had the meltdown.


And all of his alarms went off! OMG! She really is crazy!!!


Now, this is acceptable to me. I UNDERSTAND this reasoning. I even sort of forgive it, because I must have proved all of his worst fears to be true, that I was emotional and aggressive and even a little crazy after all.


Now, I know that several of my friends will disagree with me, and possibly tell me I'm a fool again, but I'm ok with this. This reaction, while I don't like it, is a logical response to his fears of dating a bi-polar woman to start with. And I have always been way too logical in relationships, so I guess I can't really blame the guy I was dating for following the same logic that I myself use.


It sucks, but it's an answer. And wasn't that what I wanted, anyway?

Dear Lord, WHY WHY WHY??? Amen.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

A visit with mom

So, I went home this weekend to help my dad clean house for thanksgiving...but that's not the story I"m going to tell here.

I'm instead going to tell of my mom.

How she smiled, and laughed, and was cheerful.  How she talked about losing her hair with a laugh.

I want to talk about how THIS is the mother I've known all my life.  That the depressed, isolated, sick, withdrawn shell of a woman that she has been for many months now, that wasn't my mom.  That wasn't the woman I know.

But now she talks of getting over this cancer.  Now she talks of Taking the Next Step, that she's done with the radiation, and we are already seeing results (she can lift her left arm higher than she has been able to lift it for many months, that her neck and shoulder pain are almost gone, that she can ride in a car now and not be almost disabled by the neck/head/shoulder/arm pain).  She is looking forward to the chemo, because that is the next step.  

I want to talk about the fact that her doctors are so optimistic, so matter-of-fact, that this is something they see every day and they aren't overly worried, this is treatable with a standard treatment, and that's what they project to her, she is so confident in her doctors that she is ready for whatever they tell her to do next.

THIS optimistic self-confident woman is the woman I've known my whole life.  And I am so glad to see her again, that I cried off and on all the way home.  I'm still crying.  I thought I'd never see her again.  I (and dad, too) thought we'd never see her again.

Thank you God.  For Doctors and hospitals and every-day miracles of medicine.  Thank you for my mom back.  Amen

Friday, November 14, 2008

Not as much drama as it might have been

So, a little background, and then the intersting stuff.

Every time I lend a guy a book, he decides its time to break up. I've lost several of my favorite books this way. I did this with the latest Ex, the book was called 'Hey Cowboy, Wanna get lucky' by Baxter Black. Very funny, very cute book. I lent it to him the weekend he decided to stop calling me.

To complicate things, I had erased Ex's phone number from my phone (because I am a weak woman, and I knew that one night after one too many beers, or when I was feeling exceptionally lonely, I would call or text him, and I didn't want to do that). So I didn't have his number to call or text him.

But I wanted my book.

So I did a little detective work. Ex's dad, I'll call him GK, forwards stuff to my dad, Mr.F, all the time. So I checked the last forward my dad, Mr.F, sent me, which had come from GK. When GK had forwarded the email to dad, he had also forwarded it to Ex's sister. So, I emailed Ex's sister and asked her to either have Ex drop it off at the house, or mail it to me. She mailed it to me, no problem, and I've emailed her after that to let her know that I got the book.

Now the interesting bit.

Cut to last night. Ex calls me, wants to know How Did You Get Sister's Email Address???

So I told him, a little detective work and a good guess.

Then he started trying to explain why he stopped calling. I cut him off and told him, it was no big deal. I had gotten over it, I was fine. He didn't need to explain, some times it just doesn't work. And I didn't tell him, but to be honest, I don't think I care anymore, and it didn't matter what his reasons were. Life is just like that, it was another thing that was out of my control, and I was OK with that.

And then we had a 20 minute conversation. He asked about mom. He said something about the note I left him, we talked about that and where it came from and why I didn't just knock on the door and have it out. We talked about my job and whether or not I was being laid off, whether or not he was still in town.

All in all, I'm very proud of how I handled the call. I wasn't a bitch, or pissy or emotional or anything. I was friendly, and we even laughed a time or two. And after we hung up, I smiled. It was a nice feeling, not to be angry or hurt or embarrassed. I really am OK with it all.

I guess all that praying for peace in my life is working.

Thank you, Lord. Amen.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Since I haven't posted for a week, I'm making up for it today.

Wow! I love Star Wars, so I couldn't stop watching this:



WOW I'm such a nerd, but that was SO COOL! He has too much time on his hands.

I found this, too...

And even though it is a couple of years old, it still makes me laugh:

Gift wrapping with the Help of my cat:

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door.

3. Open door and remove cat from closet.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc...

7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.

8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string.

9. Remove present from bag.

10. Remove cat from bag.

11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.

12. Lay out paper to determine size to cut.

13. Try to smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.

14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.

15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.

16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in.

17. Place present on paper.

18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.

19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape.

20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.

21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.

22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon.

23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.

24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase.

25. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.

26. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper.

27. Put present in box, and tie down with string.

28. Remove sting, open box and remove cat.

29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for a room with a lock.

30. Once inside locking room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials.

31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock.

32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door)

33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best)

34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well.

35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.

36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas.

37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job.

38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.

39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.

40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.

41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.

I found this

On my hard drive at work, and I like it, so I thought I'd share it:

By 30, you should have:

  • One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
  • A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
  • Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
  • A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
  • A youth you’re content to move beyond.
  • A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
  • The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
  • An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.
  • A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
  • One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
  • A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
  • Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
  • The belief that you deserve it.
  • A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
  • A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:

  • How to fall in love without losing yourself.
  • How you feel about having kids.
  • How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
  • When to try harder and when to walk away.
  • How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
  • The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town.
  • How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
  • How to take control of your own birthday.
  • That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
  • That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
  • What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
  • That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.
  • Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
  • Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
  • Why they say life begins at 30.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

An Awakening

Many years back, when I was just a baby of 22, I had my heart broken by 2 people at the same time.

He was my first love, my first heartbreak, my first everything.
She was my best friend, my first real honest-to-God, actually-knows-me-and-likes-me-anyway, wants-to-hang-out-and-party-and-actually-be-my-friend best friend BFF.

The relationship with him was on its last legs, but because he was my first, I didn't understand. I couldn't see what was in front of me, because I didn't know to look. And, I admit, I blew off my friends, all of them, but probably She took it hardest, because she was my BFF. So, when it fell mostly apart at the end of the spring semester of my Jr year, I left for the summer and went to stay with my family in Illinois, knowing it was a cure us or kill us situation.

Of course, it killed us. But, She didn't help. All I know is that they had some sort of fling/affair/dating/sex thing. And because I felt like I could never be whole again, I knew that I wanted to go back and try to work it out with him, to 'fix it'. But, since it was my BFF that he cheated with, I knew that I'd never go back. I don't know if he did it on purpose, or if She was just convenient, but whatever the reason, I knew that he had done the only thing I could never forgive.

In retrospect, with many years to look back and consider, I've come to realize it was for the best. We weren't suited AT ALL, and his dad really DID NOT like me.

But, what of my BFF? She broke my heart too, because I thought then that your BFF should never do that. How could she hurt me like that? I could sort of understand the boyfriend, he's a guy and guys are stupid and do stuff like that, but how could I ever forgive her?

At the time, I said that I forgave her, I told her and myself and others that I forgave her, but I really didn't. It's been years, and until recently I still hadn't really forgiven her. How could she do that? I would never have done that!

I was right, of course. I learned something about myself from that mess. I would never do that to a friend. I learned how far I would go for my friends, I learned the lines I would not cross. And I've been true to that idea, I treat my friends like I want to be treated. Sometimes they mistreat me, but I stay true to what I most believe about what a friend is, and I hold that close to me.

I'm still in touch with BFF. She's not my BF anymore, but she's a friend, and I count her as one of my friends. Recently her mom was in the hospital for a multiple by-pass and heart-blockage surgery. Her mom was in the ICU for about a week. She texted me and called me and sort of needed support while this was going on, and I gave it, because my mom was there not that long ago. She was a source of support and comfort for me, and so I was for her, too.

And it dawned on me, I have finally forgiven her. I have finally released that small dark spot of anger and pain and hurt. I finally, after all these years, don't want an explanation. It was long ago, we were all still mostly kids. It doesn't matter anymore. It has made my heart lighter, because I finally let go of the resentment, the anger, all of it.

I've known ex-boyfriend was on myspace. I found him (well, I found his wife's and his page), but I hadn't wanted to add him, because it sort of opened up that little wound every time I thought about it. When I finally realized that I had really let go, that I wasn't still mad and upset and hurt, I finally added him as a friend. I'm not sure he'll add me, but the fact that I was willing to add him was enough from my end.

It is like a small weight has been lifted. It wasn't a big weight, but I've been carrying that one around for a long time, and it was nice to finally just let go of it.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I don't usually post this kind of stuff

OMG!

I'm not usually a makeup buyer, but I found a great site.

It's called www.eyeslipsface.com and all of the makeup is $1. stuff for eyes, lips, face, nails, brushes, kits, bags, everything! Plus, if you have less than 15 items, you can use the coupon Carolina and get 50% off! I got 15 items for $13.95. It was great!

I'm very excited about my new makeup!

A President in name only...

So, I'm the president of the small LWML group at my church. I'm the youngest member by, and I'm not exaggerating AT ALL, 43 years. Yeah, the next youngest is 76. Our oldest member is in her 90's. So these ladies have been doing LWML for YEARS. No one wants to be president, so I'm sort of president by default. As in, Fine, if no one else wants it, I'll do it.

However, I'm not the best president. First of all, I work full time, and about half the time they scedule and plan things for in the middle of the week, in the middle of the day. So while I coordinate meetings and events, I can't actually help with or attend most of our service projects and out-goings. To complicate things, often they simply plan stuff and tell me after the fact that they did it. I'm pretty much just a figure head.

Example: Our usual meeting time is the first saturday of the month in our learning center. Ike pretty much destroyed that facility. We met for September, but we just gave up on the idea of the October meeting. But we have a service project planned for christmas, and we already have the money, so we have to spend it and submit receipts to the organization that gave us the money.

I was sick Sunday morning, so I didn't go to church, but I called the VP of our group and told her that we should meet in November to plan the service project and do some administrative stuff. She told me that she had the Pastor announce that we'd be meeting on the 8th at our normal time at the local IHOP. She was going to call me this week and let me know. She'd already contacted our other members and they all knew. She hoped that was OK.

Why am I the president again? OH! I know! So that when they try to make me president of our Zone, the zone will think I know how to do it. hehe, that will be funny. I wonder if my VP from my group will be doing my work for me at the zone level...

Saturday, November 1, 2008

New Reader

I've recently inherited a new reader, one who comments often.  Thank you SueBob!

So, I've noticed that since I've noticed that, my writing has changed slightly.  I'm trying too hard.  When I just write, like I'm thinking, it comes out pretty good.  When I try hard, it just reads like I'm trying too hard.  So, please bear with me as I work through the new self-awareness.  This should pass soon.  I hope.  soon.

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