I'm sitting in a class this afternoon (A class I took in April, but they are making me take, in full, yet again, but that's another post) with 1 labmate, 2 people I have worked with in the past, and 3 others I didn't know.
During the past year, I was "Evaluated" by our Environmental safety people, and I was deemed "Too Fast". Not that I had done anything wrong, or that I had a spill, or broke a rule, or didn't decontaminate properly, or any of a thousand things I might have done wrong, I was just too fast.
Now, when time is tight, when we have 100 animals to dose, or process, or whatever, it's all good. I can get the experiment done efficiently and safely, and quickly. And before the whole EHS condemnation, I was asked to help with things BECAUSE I was efficient, fast, and GOOD at my job.
After the condemnation, and because I still want to keep my job, I had to promise to slow down. Now, this is hard, as at times I'm not concentrating on what I'm doing as much as I'm concentrating on not going fast. This seems to be less safe to me than just working carefully, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
But, while at this class, we of course discussed how to work safely. When working slowly was brought up, the three people who know me turned around and looked at me and laughed. And not in a 'laughing with you' sort of way, it was much more 'laughing AT you'.
I smiled. I didn't say much.
But, God In Heaven, I cannot wait until they ask for my help again.
Oh, I'm sorry! I'm busy EVERY DAY for the next 2 weeks! Oh, did you need to be trained on Cardiac Puncture? I'm SO SORRY, I just don't have the time. Oh, You need trained on a Retro-orbital bleed?? And you have to bleed 50 mice? Wow, gee, I wish I had the time. That's a shame, I just don't have a WHEN I'd have a spare moment.
It ticked me off, which is a little hard to do, and it stung. Because I know a couple of those people well enough to know that if that's what they said directly to me, what they are saying ABOUT me is much worse.
I hate that I'm some sort of joke. I'm good at my job, and it pisses me off that I am being made to be a joke. And what's worse, I have no way to change it, or stop it, or do anything about it at all.
Dear Lord, I know that this is wrong, that this is not the reaction to have, that I shouldn't feel or act this way. And I do try, You know I do! So please, forgive me for what I'm not sure I'll be able to stop myself for doing! Amen.