Thursday, November 6, 2008

An Awakening

Many years back, when I was just a baby of 22, I had my heart broken by 2 people at the same time.

He was my first love, my first heartbreak, my first everything.
She was my best friend, my first real honest-to-God, actually-knows-me-and-likes-me-anyway, wants-to-hang-out-and-party-and-actually-be-my-friend best friend BFF.

The relationship with him was on its last legs, but because he was my first, I didn't understand. I couldn't see what was in front of me, because I didn't know to look. And, I admit, I blew off my friends, all of them, but probably She took it hardest, because she was my BFF. So, when it fell mostly apart at the end of the spring semester of my Jr year, I left for the summer and went to stay with my family in Illinois, knowing it was a cure us or kill us situation.

Of course, it killed us. But, She didn't help. All I know is that they had some sort of fling/affair/dating/sex thing. And because I felt like I could never be whole again, I knew that I wanted to go back and try to work it out with him, to 'fix it'. But, since it was my BFF that he cheated with, I knew that I'd never go back. I don't know if he did it on purpose, or if She was just convenient, but whatever the reason, I knew that he had done the only thing I could never forgive.

In retrospect, with many years to look back and consider, I've come to realize it was for the best. We weren't suited AT ALL, and his dad really DID NOT like me.

But, what of my BFF? She broke my heart too, because I thought then that your BFF should never do that. How could she hurt me like that? I could sort of understand the boyfriend, he's a guy and guys are stupid and do stuff like that, but how could I ever forgive her?

At the time, I said that I forgave her, I told her and myself and others that I forgave her, but I really didn't. It's been years, and until recently I still hadn't really forgiven her. How could she do that? I would never have done that!

I was right, of course. I learned something about myself from that mess. I would never do that to a friend. I learned how far I would go for my friends, I learned the lines I would not cross. And I've been true to that idea, I treat my friends like I want to be treated. Sometimes they mistreat me, but I stay true to what I most believe about what a friend is, and I hold that close to me.

I'm still in touch with BFF. She's not my BF anymore, but she's a friend, and I count her as one of my friends. Recently her mom was in the hospital for a multiple by-pass and heart-blockage surgery. Her mom was in the ICU for about a week. She texted me and called me and sort of needed support while this was going on, and I gave it, because my mom was there not that long ago. She was a source of support and comfort for me, and so I was for her, too.

And it dawned on me, I have finally forgiven her. I have finally released that small dark spot of anger and pain and hurt. I finally, after all these years, don't want an explanation. It was long ago, we were all still mostly kids. It doesn't matter anymore. It has made my heart lighter, because I finally let go of the resentment, the anger, all of it.

I've known ex-boyfriend was on myspace. I found him (well, I found his wife's and his page), but I hadn't wanted to add him, because it sort of opened up that little wound every time I thought about it. When I finally realized that I had really let go, that I wasn't still mad and upset and hurt, I finally added him as a friend. I'm not sure he'll add me, but the fact that I was willing to add him was enough from my end.

It is like a small weight has been lifted. It wasn't a big weight, but I've been carrying that one around for a long time, and it was nice to finally just let go of it.

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