Monday, November 17, 2008

Another Awakening

As is my wont, I have gone over the last conversation with Ex.


I've replayed it probably 1000 times in the last 5 days, and I think I've come to an understanding.


Right after he quit calling, I had several people tell me I Was Played, but I just didn't agree with that--those same people called me a fool, but I forgive them ;).


I've been played before, and that's not how this one felt. I know what it feels like to get played. Usually you can look back at the relationship and see the clues, you can see the lies, you can see the patterns that you couldn't see while you were IN the relationship. I've been played, and it sucks.


But this last one just didn't feel like that. His affection felt genuine, it felt real. There was a depth to our time together that hasn't been there for several boyfriends. He actually liked my company, we enjoyed our time together. Something about the way he talked to me, how he treated me, it was REAL, he wasn't faking it just to get laid. I think that's why it confused me so much, and upset me so much, when he stopped calling.


I've gone over that last conversation a thousand times in the last 5 days. And I think I've figured it out.


When I initially told him I had the bi-polar issue, he was sort of flustered, insecure, alarmed by it, but he didn't want to show me that it hit him hard. I could see that it did, but I figured that it would just take time for him to adjust to the idea, to see that I was just a normal woman.


And then I had the meltdown.


And all of his alarms went off! OMG! She really is crazy!!!


Now, this is acceptable to me. I UNDERSTAND this reasoning. I even sort of forgive it, because I must have proved all of his worst fears to be true, that I was emotional and aggressive and even a little crazy after all.


Now, I know that several of my friends will disagree with me, and possibly tell me I'm a fool again, but I'm ok with this. This reaction, while I don't like it, is a logical response to his fears of dating a bi-polar woman to start with. And I have always been way too logical in relationships, so I guess I can't really blame the guy I was dating for following the same logic that I myself use.


It sucks, but it's an answer. And wasn't that what I wanted, anyway?

Dear Lord, WHY WHY WHY??? Amen.

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