I hate new relationships. They are fraught with pitfalls, places where the bottom drops out and you're left hanging by a thread. It all started innocently enough.
About 10 days ago I pulled a cuticle on my left hand pinky finger. Over the course of several days, it got progressively worse, until it took an oral antibiotic to get rid of it. I didn't understand, because my body is usually pretty good at getting rid of those sort of little infections, and I pick at my cuticles all the time, and it NEVER gets this bad.
Now, it should be stated that I pick at my cuticles. I used to chew my fingernails to nothing, chew them to the point of bleeding. I have changed that behavior, and now I pick at my cuticles. I usually don't do it unless I'm under a bit of stress, and sometimes I do it without even thinking about it, don't even notice it until it hurts. I also chew the insides of my lips, but that is beside the point of this story.
A couple of days ago, on sunday, I think, I pulled another cuticle, on a different finger. I put some of my antibiotic cream and a band-aid on it, and it was SUPER inflamed and sore the next morning. I began to think that my antibiotic cream was contaminated with something. I cleaned the infection, soaked the finger in hot epsom salt water to pull the puss out of the cut, and kept it clean with alcohol and warm soapy water the rest of the day, and washed it with alcohol before going to bed, and today it is doing fine, healing the way it should be.
I mentioned to BF that I had figured this out, that it was probably my antibiotic cream that contributed to the severity of the last infection, and we got onto the topic of me chewing my cuticles.
'Why do you do that?' What do you mean, why? 'I mean, why do you chew them, and then enough to make them bleed like that?' WTF? I don't know WHY.
It's just part of what and who I am, I internalize a lot of stuff, and when the stress gets too much, I start doing things to release it, like sucking my thumb when I was a little kid, and when I quit that, I started chewing my nails, and when I quit that, I started chewing at my cuticles and chewing the insides of my lips. If it was something that was a conscious thing, I'd stop doing it.
He just looked at me like I was nuts. The whole mood of the evening changed. It was like he withdrew physically.
What, that easy? Are you kidding me? Because I chew my cuticles? This is not even CLOSE to the weirdest thing about me. There are probably some good reasons to look at me like that, but picking at my cuticles isn't one of them.
And so, it is 11:15 on wednesday night, and I'm thinking that, maybe it really is me.
I hate new relationships.