Wednesday, March 26, 2008

My Bathroom Door

So, awhile back a male friend said something that has stuck with me.  And, while I would never say so, especially to him, it kind of stung.  It stung because I hate to think it's true.

My bathroom door is currently not hinged.  As in, it is leaning against the wall of the bathroom, because the hinges pulled out of the door.  I have tried to fix it, but it was kind of a half-hearted attempt, and it didn't work, and I haven't tried again.  In theory, I know how to fix it.  In fact, I have been given 2 very good options to fix it.  I just need to find the energy and enthusiasm necessary to get the job done.  And since I'm the only one living in my house, it hasn't been a big deal.

While at church a couple of weeks ago, I said something to the effect of I wish I had a man at home to fix it.  My friend was behind me, and said in a shocked voice, "I never thought I'd hear YOU say that!"  He said this without affectation, he was real, this was his actual thought.  That somehow he thought I never needed help or wanted company and was more than willing to spend the rest of my life without anyone else in it.  I'm sure that wasn't his WHOLE thought process...well, pretty sure.  I'm hoping that he was just voicing the amazement that he hadn't, in the several years we've known each other, heard me express the idea that I needed someone to take care of me.  Which I don't normally think.  Normally I take care of things, not because I don't want any help, but usually because there isn't anyone else to do it.  So I do what needs to be done, mow the yard, clean the house, fix the toilet, sand and varnish the floors, paint, garden, whatever I want or needs to be done.  Because if it needs to be done, then it needs to be done, and I don't have the money to keep a handyman on speed dial.

But the idea that I put out the vibe that I would shun, or would actively discourage, help has given me pause.   Do I really sound like that to the rest of the world?  Have I become so jaded and hard-hearted that this is what I present to the world?  Because it isn't true.  Do my friends really think that? Now, for my RL friends who read this, please understand that this isn't a cry for help, necessarily, but I'm voicing thoughts that are rattling around in my head.  I am still single, and I am strong, I can handle most of what life throws at me because I haven't been given any other option.  But that does not mean that I would choose to be in the place I currently reside.  I do wish that God hadn't put me in this place, that he would have given me a spouse, children, a different life.  But he didn't, and here I am, and I have made the best of  it.  I think I have prospered, done well.  I don't for a moment believe that I've done this all on my own, God has made sure that there have been people in place to teach me how to do the things that need to be done, and he has given me the necessary tools to succeed where he has put me.  

But I do hope that God knows that I'm still waiting.  I'm still waiting for rest of my life.  For my spouse, children, all the difficulties and frustrations and HARD days that they bring.  For someone to fix my bathroom door.

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