Monday, October 1, 2007

more surgery

Mom was in surgery today, they put in a trach tube and a feeding tube. The trach is to protect her breathing, they are afraid that the chemo may cause her throat to close further, so as a precaution, they put the tube in. The feeding tube is so that if she isn't hungry, she can still get nutrition. It is such that it doesn't interfere with eating, so if she's hungry or something smells good she can eat it, but if not, then she still gets nutrition.

Dad called me, I wasn' t there for this one. He said she was out of surgery around 11AM and is doing fine, holding her own in ICU. Tomorrow she should be moved to a regular room.

No one has told them yet to what extent she has cancer. Stage 1? 2? God, not 4 please.

I'm telling all of this very matter-of-factly, but inside my heart is trembling.

Last night, I'm not sure how long I stood at the sink in the kitchen, saying, 'I don't want it to be true' every time I exhaled. I was supposed to be taking my pills, and I was trying to figure out why I was in such a bad mood. I had been in a very anti-social, bitchy mood most of the day. I was standing there, thinking of the things that had and hadn' t happened that day. I was looking for the trigger for the bad mood. Was it A? Was it B? Was it because C didn't happen? I finally pinned it. Mom's surgery was today, and I didn't want it to be true. It seems like a dream, or nightmare. I've been having more of those, since I brought that up. This is going to be a long fall.

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