Friday, September 21, 2007

strength

It's friday. around 8PM. I'm drunk. there are not enough people to call in my phone, but I don't want to talk to any of the people in my phone. I have too much to say, but nothing I can say outloud. I need to say too much, but no one to say it to. What can I say? I'm mad, sad, tired, frustrated, crazy, depressive, manic...I need to cry, but I can't. What can I cry about? Should I cry because my mom has cancer? I've done that. Should I cry because it's her and not me, or because it's not me, but it's her? Is this my future? Am I weak to fear it, when she stands so strong? Is she strong for herself, or for her family? Does she cry at night? Is she scared? Should I be scared for her, because she doesn't show that she is afraid? Can I be this strong? Is it easier, having done it once, or is it that much worse? Does knowing how much the chemotherapy hurts make it easier, or more difficult? My dad had a feeding tube. Does seeing it in him make it easier to bear when it's in yourself? How do you wake up each day, and know what the day brings, and still get out of bed? And if she, and my dad, can do it, how can I be any less strong? Can I go home and be this weak? How can I not stand up and face the day? How can I not see my mother, and not be her daughter? I am as strong as my mother, because she has shown me the way. I am as strong as my mother, because I am her daughter. She is in me, and I come from her. What she is, I am. I am as strong as my father, because he has shown me who I am. I am as weak as my father, and strong in his weakness. He is in me, and I come from him. What he is, I am. What he isn't, I will become. What my mother is, I will continue. I will be strong, because it is from my mother, and for my father. I will be strong, because there is no other way to be. I will be strong, because I am my mother's daughter, and I will be strong because I am my father's daughter. How can I be anything else?



I need more beer.

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