Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Denial: A great place to live.

So, I didn't want to, but I went home this weekend (denial is a great place to be; nothing bad ever happens there). I had told the folks that I'd be home on saturday. I had to help M in the animal lab for about 3o min, we went and had lunch, and I really didn't want to go home. But, being the good daughter that I am, I called home to ask mom if it would hurt her feelings if I didn't go home. Not permision, exactly. more like...a positive acknowledgement-Like, "Oh, it's ok, Daughter, I understand that you're busy and are having a hard time making it home. We'll call if we need anything."
What I got was, "What? Well, what are you doing that you can't come home? Well, if you CAN'T, then we can probably get along without you (pause, for the guilt to kick in)". What could I possibly say to that? So I went home. My sister-in-law had cleaned the upstairs, swept, vacuumed, dusted, etc, and my dad was scrubbing the kitchen, so I mowed. They have a big yard. But, it was a riding mower. I have to say, while I didn't outwardly show it, I really didn't want to mow. I made like I was HAPPY to do it, HAPPY to contribute, but I wasn't really.
And then I accidently (welllllll) forgot to take clothes for church, so I left HomeTown at 7:30AM, with the pretext that I would go to church at My home. I came home, cleaned up, even got dressed, and then I sat down on my couch, and stayed there for awhile. So, I finally gave in and went in and put away my nice clothes, and proceeded to clean my house. I swiffered, vacuumed, and did laundry.
I think I'm angry at God right now. I'm having a hard time even praying. I know, I should pray. I'm a good Conservative Lutheran, and I know what the Bible says about prayer. But I'm still mad, and it will take me awhile before I'm ready to go back to church.
I understand that we aren't being picked on (as a family, I mean), but I'm having a very hard time not being bitter and angry right now. Normal grief, healing, blah blah blah. I know that, too. Eventually I'll reach acceptance. But in the meantime, keep praying for me and my family. I need the prayers, because I don't seem to be able to pray right now, about anything. And my family just needs the prayers.

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