{sigh}

I figured out why I was in such a bad mood. It was partly the exercise thing.  But I've come to the realization that I'm not ready to start trying to get pregnant yet.

Part of that realization came when I had to go to my yearly ob/gyn appointment...fun fun.

It made me very sad, I'm not sure if I can continue to use this doctor. She's very nice, and a good doctor, but I may have to change. 

This evening MSJ's sister called to tell us she is pregnant. 

I'm not sure what to think. I'm genuinely happy for her, I think they've been trying for awhile.

I'm not sure what to do with this information.

Physically Strong, Mentally Tough

So, I joined a CrossFit gym, and my motto for my gym is Physically Strong, Mentally Tough.
I'm not really either of those things, so some days that makes for a hard day.

Last night was one of those days.

We started with a front squat. I suck at those. My technique was bad for the first 4 or 5 sets. By then my wrists were KILLING me. Finally got the hand/arm position right, and I had a hell of a time getting my butt to the ball. I try not to bitch, even to myself, about exercises I don't like, you know positive attitude and crap like that, but I flat out DISLIKE front squats. We get to do more today. yay.

Some days we run. Outside at night. In the winter. Where it's cold (HUSH UP! It does, too, get cold down here!). The first time I did this I was a little winded afterward. The second time I was starting to breathe really hard, almost a wheeze but not quite. The third I started to wheeze at the end, and then when we did the second half of our work out I started to outright wheeze. I had to sit down for a few minutes, and then I finished the program.

Last night we were supposed to do 2 laps, 8 times, with 90 seconds between the 2 lap set. I did the first lap ok, but by the time I was done with the second lap I had a hard deep wheeze. It was sort of starting to hurt. So I sat out the 2nd set, then the 3rd set I ran the first lap and walked the second. But by then Christian had quit timing me, which meant I could do what I wanted, but it wouldn't be counted. So, I did 4 more sets, run first lap walk second lap. Give it a minute or so, then again.

About halfway through the second crappy set, with the guys outstripping me by huge lengths, and the other lady doing well herself, I really wanted to cry. I felt weak and pathetic and really quite like an idiot. But I pulled together, and convinced myself I could cry later in my car. Because the only thing that would make me look even more pathetically weak would have been to cry about it.

And then I had to stop and get gas on the way home. So I couldn't cry until I was done getting gas. And by the time I got home I had moved past the point of needing to cry. Except then I was in an exceptionally shitty mood for the rest of the night. And even today, too. I should probably have given in and cried, I would have been rid of the emotion and moved on. But I was trying the whole mentally tough thing. It worked, but I'm not sure the 2 days of being in a shitty mood was worth it.

I got sucked in O.o

Last night I got stuck in traffic. Like, stopped for several minutes, drive 20 feet, stop for several minutes, drive 50 yards, stop for several minutes, well, I could go on and on and on and..

Where was I? oh, stuck in traffic. Now normally I leave my office, and I'm at the gym within an hour and 15ish minutes. That includes waiting for the bus to take me to my car. Last night it took me better than an hour and 45 minutes, just to get to the gym. Home took another almost 20 minutes. So, I didn't make it to the gym in time for my class. Which put me in a crappy mood. Since MSJ wasn't home when I got there, I decided to play Fable. It came with the Xbox I bought MSJ for Christmas, and he wasn't playing it, so I didn't want it to go to waste.

He came home around 9:30, he has a late class at his karate studio on tuesdays. He kissed me hello, went to take a shower. At 10:30 he told me he was going to go to bed soon.

Holy crap, ya'll, I played that game for 3 hours, and didn't even notice!  I can see that I will have to be careful with this new toy. It has the potential to be a serious time suck. I totally didn't anticipate that.

Cooking Attempt # 1? sure, let's say #1

I thought I had written about it, but I couldn't find the link. Oh well.

I used to think that I was a decent cook. I'm not, really. Darn. I guess that's one of those things that takes practice. I thought I might have absorbed that during my childhood of helping mom and grandma cook.

I'm trying the low-carb diet right now. In addition to a strenuous gym that I've joined.

So I found some good low-carb recipes, just to get started. I found a recipe for Unstuffed Cabbage. Now, I like cabbage rolls. Not that I LOVE them, or really even like-like them, but I do enjoy them once in awhile. So I tried this recipe. I don't know if it was the type of pan I used, or maybe the cabbage was cut up too small, and I added too much onion to the meat balls, and there wasn't enough sauce. Now, that last one may have been because I didn't use the best pan. Also, it was pretty bland, the recipe made it sound like it was a taste sensation.

I have a good husband, who ate his plate with a little help from ketchup and A1. That totally didn't offend me, as it really wasn't as good as I hoped it would be. And when I said something about maybe trying it again, different pan, much much more salt and spices, he told me to go ahead, that he would be willing to try it again. Isn't he sweet?

Things that make you go hmmmm

I have a conundrum.

I would like to post a p o s t...Can you post a post? Maybe I would like to make a post? write a post? yes, that's it.

I would like to write a post, but it involves someone I know who reads this blog (No, not you!). There is a good potential for hurt feelings, and stupid Google Blogger won't let me password protect a single post...stupid Blogger.

And, the reason I would like to post it is to get a little feedback, maybe get some help with an awkward and sensitive subject. I have 1 opinion, to just write the post and not post it...darn it there I went again...just write it and not post it? Ok, I'll go with that.

Now, you might be thinking, as my Dear MSJ was, why do I let so many of my IRL friends read this blog?? Well, it's because it doesn't dawn on you maybe a couple of years down the road you might need to write something potentially hurtful. I guess, now, I do know that, and I haven't added any new readers IRL in several years.

I might consider letting you read it privately via email if you ask, but not for general viewing, so if I don't let you please don't take it personally. It's me, not you. I'm trying to do the right thing here.

Overshare!

*Spoiler Alert*

This is probably a TMI post. But I haven't had a personal one of those in awhile. I thought it was time again.

So, Today is 6 weeks from the D&C. We are cleared for sex. And I am feeling much better than I did at 3 weeks, now I'm actually interested in sex. I hadn't been for awhile. Poor MSJ.

But, that also means I haven't been doing any personal upkeep either. My legs are pretty scary. Even by my standards, and I let them go for a couple of weeks sometimes. At this point it's been 6 weeks since I paid any attention to my hairy regions. So I made an appointment for this afternoon to have a half leg, under arm, and bikini line wax this afternoon.  Merry Christmas Honey!!

This one is a little deep.

First topic: (there might be several)

This miscarriage has been quite hard on me. I'm mostly fine, but occasionally it will bring me down, usually when I least expect it. I've wondered in the past few weeks, why I didn't react this way when mom died? I know that everyone grieves differently, but while mom's death was hard, it didn't take me out of commission for several days, and leave me still crying 6 weeks later. I went to my psychiatrist, I'm not sure if it was last week or the week before, but anyway. I went, and she increased my Seroquel from 600mg (300mg am and pm) to 650mg (350mg pm and 300am). A few days later I began to see some paranoia seeping through. Not like the-government-is-trying-to-get-me (not to preclude the idea that the government is, in fact, out to get me), more of an i-think-i-did-it-are-you-sure-no-are-you-sure-you're-not-sure-so-maybe-yes sort of paranoia. And it wasn't getting better. And so easily irritated! Oh my gosh, I totally overreacted to a minor thing, and I felt like such an idiot afterward. There wasn't even a good way to go back and apologize for my behavior. I'm so embarrassed about the whole thing. So I called the clinic and she increased my dose to 350mg am and pm, a total of 700mg of this drug. I started the increase on friday morning and I think it's helping. My mind is calmer, more logical, less reactive. I have an appointment on thursday with the clinic. Oh well, at least the medicines are working.

Topic 1.5 (slightly related to First Topic, but different enough to warrant its own number):

The first weekend in December they had the State amateur Karate tournament. It was in the state capitol, and I have a very dear friend who lives there with her family. I asked if we could crash there on friday night (because we're slightly cheap, but also to get a chance to catch up) and it was a lot of fun. There was a point in the conversation that, if MSJ hadn't heard it and translated it for me that I wouldn't have caught. Susie was asking me how I knew I was Bipolar, because she didn't remember me being crazy when we were kids. I'm not sure I gave a great answer, because it made me stop and think. I began to notice real symptoms in graduate school. All of the crap from college was catching up with me and I was having a hard time dealing with it. I began to see patterns, when I was in a good mood I was in a GOOD MOOD and when I was in a bad mood I was in a BAD MOOD. I tried to talk to the student health counseling group, but it only helped marginally.  When I moved for the last job in 2003 I became friends with a woman who was being treated for severe depression. She finally convinced me to go talk to someone, and finally, I did. The diagnosis was quick, and while it took awhile to get the doses right, I could right away that it was better. I'm pretty sure that was fall of 2005, because I remember telling Dr C. So, that's the answer. Bipolar, especially Bipolar II, doesn't usually show up until the 20's. It usually resolves after menopause for women. yay. I could make the case for it several times in college, but not all the time, just flashes of over-emotion. But you might also be able to blame the vast amounts of alcohol and too little sleep, too. Ah, college.

First Topic, Resolution:

I think the reason the miscarriage hit me so hard was that it was so unexpected.  With mom, she had been sick for several years. And getting worse. Also, and this is terrible to think, much less write, but what the hell, As mom got sicker and sicker I withdrew more and more. I distanced myself emotionally, which totally wasn't fair to Dad, but whenever I wanted to relieve dad, or give him a break he shut me, and Bro, out. He had to do it himself. And as mom got worse she wasn't able to influence his decisions like that. She withdrew, too. As her condition deteriorated, she pulled inward more and more. So I grieved a little at a time. It was a surprise, but it wasn't unexpected. But with the miscarriage it was like a blind hit. I didn't have a clue it was coming. At least if it happens again, I won't be blindsided by it. I might be heart-broken, an emotional wreck, but a part of me will be expecting it.

I'm just not that fond of Ladder-Climbers

2 posts in 1 day!! Amazing!!

The week I started my new job the lab manager was sent home on bed rest, she's pregnant but isn't due until early January. That meant they had to bring the temp lab manager in early. I'll call him Will. At first I thought I liked him, he seemed pretty cool. But, sort of like high school cool? Not bad looking, charming, outgoing, that sort of thing. As the days progressed I found myself liking him more and more. He more and more reminds me of High School Cool, and since I HATED high school, it turns me off. But there was more to it than that, I just couldn't put my finger on it. I told MSJ that he reminded me of a sales person. 'Smarmy' was the best word. Will told us (Me, Cy, Jen and Jean) a few days ago that he had been lab tech, he earned an MBA, and now was trying to break into the Lab Manager position.

I finally figured out what I don't like about him. He is a sales person, but what he's selling is himself to the higher management. He doesn't (yet?) feel any responsibility for, or to, the members of the lab. He has his best interest in mind. The permanent lab manager (I'm calling her May) is genuinely concerned with the welfare of the lab and it's members, and that it is functioning properly. I think I'll be glad when she comes back.

My First Manic Justification. Alternately titled: This Insurance SUCKS!

This week was a first for me. I know, I'm at an age where I thought there aren't too many more firsts, but here's one.

Since I was diagnosed, I have taken my medicine faithfully. FAITHFULLY. I am medicated, and happy to be that way. I remember what it was like immediately before I was diagnosed, I was super irritable, couldn't concentrate or sit still, or I was down down down depressed. I could sit on my couch for hours, days and not move except to go to the bathroom. And even then, I waited until I couldn't wait anymore.

So when i noticed that I was having manic spikes, I went to the doc and she increased the dose on one of my meds. I've been on the increased dose for about 10 days. I don't especially like it, I'm running a little higher than normal, but there haven't been anymore true spikes. So, I decided that I was ok, I didn't need the additional dose. And then I stopped taking the additional dose. I've never had the thought series that said, 'You don't need that medicine! You're fine without it!'. This line of thought is classic Bi-polar. The progression is: Depressed, get meds, level out, decide you're fine, stop taking meds, spike high, do something stupid/bad/dangerous/illegal, get caught, bottom out into depression.

Yesterday I forgot to take my morning pill, and for some reason I don't have my little pill bottle I carry with me that has some extra doses (for just such an occasion). So not only had I stopped taking the additional dose, I didn't get my standard morning dose.

I cried to Little Drummer Boy on the radio, and I was pretty high most of the day. I'm not sure I'd call it a manic spike, but by the time I got home I could definitely tell. So I sucked it up and on my way home I stopped at CVS and filled the stupid prescription filled (I had been taking free samples the doc and given me). It cost me $60 for a 30 day supply. That's about $2/pill. I thought $35 was high with Blue cross. This insurance SUCKS.

Yet another ramble, this time about work

I'm not sure I have a lot to say, but it's been a few days, so here I go.

There are now 4 of us in our little cubicle area. Jean is a grad student with the university I'm collaborating with. She's usually here in the afternoons, but some days not at all. We get along ok, but she's very chic urban, and I'm NOT. There is also Car and Jen (names shortened to protect the innocent). They are both very nice, friendly and funny and understand my sense of humor, I am enjoying sitting next to them. Plus, we eat lunch together some days, so I have someone to eat lunch with. Yay!

However, Car and Jen work for the same boss, and they're not doing animal work. They're both working hard to get their first really large experiment moving, so they are working hard each day, planning and scheduling and writing protocols, etc. They sit behind me, and they're working hard, and I start to feel a little like a slacker. The fact that I'm not yet cleared to do the work I was hired to do is beside the point.

I did my Animal Facility training, which at this institution is call the Comparative Medicine Program. Or the CMP. I'm guessing it's part of that department, and since there isn't a ton of work being done they don't have a dedicated ARC program. It's really weird for me, I come from a high containment lab where you protect people from the diseases that we give the mice. That means it doesn't matter what you bring in, everything that goes out is sterilized. Here we are protecting the animals from us. So anything we want to bring in must be sterilized, either by Vaporized Hydrogen Peroxide (VHP) for large things, computers, supplies, or by some disinfecting wipes that are at the entrance of the facility for small things (cellphones, watches, badges). Here they don't care what you bring out, because the animals aren't infectious. It's a really different mentality. And there are a few things that they do, or don't do as the case may be, that makes me shake my head. I largely tried to keep my mouth shut, though. A new job, a new employer, new rules.

And speaking of new rules, I begrudgingly went out and bought new pants. I bought 4 pair. I might try again in a couple of weeks, maybe after Christmas sales?

I also thought I was largely done with "First Things" at this stage of my life, but for the first time I found someone in the bathroom who squats on the toilet seat. I heard someone in the next stall, well, utilizing the toilet, but when I looked down (reflex, I can't help it) there weren't any feet on the floor. I thought that was odd, so I double checked, and sure enough, no feet. This is a new facility, it was opened 2 years ago, and we are the first lab in this space. I promise, the toilets are clean!

hm, well that was more than I thought. Happy Wednesday everyone!