Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Just Another Pastor's Wife...

Since I wrote the last post, I have had dozens of post ideas. I wrote some of them down. not all of them, because, you know, a 3yo and a 16mo boy. [sigh]

What was I saying? oh yes, ideas. Post ideas. I had some of them mostly written in my head, I just couldn't get them out of my head and onto some digital/written form in time.

Also, the thought keeps running through my mind that I'm not sure what I have to offer, as far as insight and creative posts and relevant ideas goes. I stay at home. with 2 young boys. Some days I'm doing good to get them fed and clothed. I didn't know about the last mass shooting for several days, because we watch Curious George, or Mighty Machines, or Daniel Tiger, or the occasional adult show I get to watch, on Netflix and Amazon Prime. Even when we do watch live tv, I usually have on Qubo, or PBS. I don't usually get the news, I'm tired by then...

I could go on here, but the intent is coming through. What do I have to offer that thousands of mommy-bloggers don't already cover? Not to malign mommy bloggers, some of them/ya'll are great, articulate, relevant, insightful.

But what does that leave me with?

I have a friend from when I was a kid, her name is cynthia, because I need to be able to name her, and her life is amazing right now. She graduated from an MBA program, and through that program she was able to go to Singapore and Vietnam, she and her husband make much more than my DH and I will make, ever, even if I go back to work full time. She dresses up and wears nice things, they take expensive vacations, have nice things, live in a beautiful house, and I know her well enough to know that she is very happy, and so is her family.

I am so jealous. We're going to Missouri to see family for vacation, and we're driving. On really exciting days we go to the library for story time. Going to Walmart or HEB is a treat, and getting to go in the evenings without the kids feels like a vacation. DH is still doing karate, so he's gone evenings monday, wednesday, thursday, and friday. On days like this past saturday he goes out to watch the mma fights. My daily events are emptying the dishwasher, filling the dishwasher, laundry, and cleaning the kitchen. And the stupid high chair tray. I hate that thing! It's always dirty!!

I feel like the world is passing me by.

I know I'm not the only SAH mom who feels like this, and it upsets me a bit that I'm falling prey to this feeling.

So, what does this leave me with? 

I will attempt to keep making posts. I will try once a day to sit down and see what pops out of my head. And I'll try once a week to write something.

I keep trying to come up with something clever to end this with. I've typed about 6 endings now. I guess I'll give up and just say goodnight.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

My yearly post. Alternatively titled: In Defense of Granny panties and double knit

So, upon looking at my 'recent' blog posts, it seems like I'm close to an annual post. And the last 2 both say I'm going to try harder to post. Ha! motherhood defeats my best intentions sometimes.

So, let's just jump in and see what I can get done.

A few weeks ago (i've been thinking of this post for awhile...) I was woefully behind on my laundry (but the kids had clothes, and the diapers were clean, so there's that) and the last pair of panties I had in my drawer was a pair of satin/poly granny panties. I thought what the hell, it matched my hairy pits and legs and my worn out bra. OMG ya'll, they were so nice!! soft and silky and not binding at all, and they didn't crawl up my hoochie or bunch up under my belly overhang!! My loving husband just shook his head when i crawled into bed that night. I made it a point to do a load of grownup laundry so I had some normal underwear, but I told my husband to watch out. once or twice a month, I would be sporting the granny panties.

I have been looking for wear-around-the-house easy-to-wear shorts/pants for home. something that if I need to run the the store for something quick it won't look like I've spent the (last several) day(s) in the same pair of pajama pants. I have the cotton weave shorts from several sizes ago, and the sort of fit, but I can't call them exactly comfortable. Then I happened upon a pair of double knit shorts. Not fashionable at all, 1 pair in neutral brown, 1 navy blue. So soft, big pockets, easy to wash, stains come out, don't stretch when the kids hang on them. I love them. I wish I had 3 or 4 more pair.

In the past I have been accused of dressing like an old lady. And, admittedly, I tend toward old-lady comfort above binding, tight, short, uncomfortable fashionable. (Especially in the shoe department. I haven't worn heals in years. Even my wedding shoes were cowboy boots.) So the fact that I'm now officially middle aged makes me very happy. I can finally quit pretending that I like dressing like I'm still in my 20s. Guess what? I'M NOT! I'm 40, and I totally get to dress that way without having to justify that, to myself or to anyone else.

Hello, 40! Pleased to meet you!

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Holy cow, didn't realize it had been so long...

So, tomorrow morning, at 7AM, I am having a C-section.

Lots of time between my last post and now. Lots of life since the last post. I really had no idea it had been so long since I visited this blog. The day to day of life with a small child, the days just pass so quickly!

I've had a bit of a hard time with the pregnancy, I've gestational diabetes for about 4 months now, I've had gestational hypertension for most of the pregnancy, I've had low thyroid for most of the pregnancy. The hospital I'm at has a pretty hard line about not delivering or inducing babies earlier than 39 weeks unless it's absolutely necessary, and my dr has been saying for 2 weeks that if he had ANY reason to take the baby early he would have, he's been worried about me! But my BP, while a little high at times, and we had 1 scare that put me in Labor and Delivery for a few hours, has been quite stable for the last 2 weeks, my sugars have been ok for the last 2 weeks, the amniotic fluid level has been good, baby has been moving around quite a bit, so we have had no reason to go early! Yeah!

Today, though, is 39 weeks. That makes tomorrow the first day available to have this boy. So, tomorrow, we have to be at the hospital at 5:30 AM to start checking in and getting IVs and prepping, so that at 7AM we can start the surgery.

I was a bit anti-C-section again, but size scans show this little guy to be about 9 1/2lbs, so I've come around to the idea...that seems pretty big to be pushing out of an opening in a delicate part of my anatomy. Plus, every doctor in the practice so far that has seen me has agreed that the c-section is the best thing for me, considering the last delivery. MSJ is convinced it's so that none of the doctors contradict one another, but my doc is the head high risk obstetrics, and I'm currently his only active OB patient (he's older, and it's a teaching hospital, so he does lots of classes and executive stuff), so I tend to believe him when he says this really is whats for the best.

I really want to get back to this blog. I enjoy writing it, and it's a nice release for me when I'm active about it. I'm thinking maybe I need to put this on my phone's calendar, to remind me to post every few days! I have a reminder to take a shower on my phone, this is at least that important, right?

Anyway. Whether I'm a regular post-er again or not I'll update about the delivery and post a pic of the new baby soon, I should have a few days with some time on my hands while I'm at the hospital. HA! I hope a few minutes.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Appointment, as needed.

I've been going to see a therapist for awhile. It started soon after  Nathan was born, I was, surprise surprise, having some anxiety. So my psychiatrist rather insisted that I go talk to one, so I did. It was nice, she gave me a chance to talk through some of the  life events I've had going on, including family trouble, miscarriages,  money, and more family.

I was having a bit of a hard time getting out of the house. I would pack the diaper bag and get Nathan ready, and then get anxious and not actually be able to get out of the house. It was a bit debilitating for a few months.

I was able to talk through some of the crap with my Bro and SIL, and leftover Mom stuff, and helping dad with whatever he needs help with. It was and is actually hard to go through the house, going through mom's stuff and deciding what to keep and what to give away, and what to throw away. I didn't think it would be, but some of those days were hard.

But today, I have to say that I'm mostly ok. The anxiety is under control, and mostly gone. My Bro and SIL are in a stable relationship right now. Not great, not even good, but we're in a decent holding pattern right now. my dad is doing well, I keep going to see him even though we're pretty much done with the stuff to sort through. MSJ and I are doing well, we just passed our 3rd anniversary. It was nice and easy. We skipped a meal out and took the kid to the Renaissance Festival instead (another story, that wasn't a great day!) We aren't pregnant again yet, but we're not being hard core about trying, either. I think we're both just taking the whole thing easy.

So after talking for 45 minutes, the therapist and I decided that I would call when I needed her, but I left without another appointment set. I feel good about it, and I'm optimistic about the road I'm on now.

Thank you, Lord, for a smooth path, and however long it lasts.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Show me the path, Lord.

Every night when I pray, one of the last things I pray is, 'Show me the path, Lord, and I will walk it'

When I was single, it was strength for being single. When I was first married, it was help for learning to live with someone, and learning to be a wife.

With the first miscarriage, it was, well, getting past it.

With Nathan, it's help learning to be a mom, to be a good wife AND mom, and how to separate wife and mom duties.

Now, though. I have a healthy happy baby boy.

And I've had 3 miscarriages.

So, I don't want to whine about it too much, because I know there are many many families who don't even have that.


I'm not sure if it would be easier to not be able to get pregnant, or to get pregnant and lose it. The end is the same, no baby, but the source of the pain is so different. On the one hand, a fervent longing for an unrealized dream, which can be devastating, waiting for something that doesn't ever come. On the other hand, to have what you want be given to you, and then taken away, multiple times. It becomes equally devastating, because you don't know when, or if, it might be taken away again.

I'm a faithful Christian, and I believe fully that the Lord will deliver me from all evil and bad things. I believe that God doesn't punish us, that we live in a fallen and sinful world, and that bad things happen. I believe that God will get me through every tough thing I face.

The question becomes, how long do you try. How long do you wait for what doesn't come? How many times do you wait to see if it will be taken away again? How far do you go on that path, before you decide you try another path? And how do you know when enough is enough?

I have a dr appt tomorrow afternoon. I'll just have to see where we go from there.

Show me the path, Lord, and I'll walk it.

I believe, Lord, help thou my unbelief.~ Mark 9:24

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Verdict: A cold

So, the bad mood resolved into a cold. First Nathan, then daddy, and then me. Fun fun.

However, now he's much better but still waking up at night for a bottle. We had this under control. He was sleeping through the night. I told MSJ that starting Sunday night was it, we're getting the sleeping thing back under control. We're all happier when we sleep all night long.

I had a nice shopping trip to Goodwill yesterday. I got 1 shorts, 2 exercise/yoga pants, and 1 jeans. And Nathan a few little toys. We are looking for some of the good infant toys, stacking and minor puzzles and such. I need to go to some garage sales and see what I can find.

hm. Not much going on. MSJ is at a bar watching the MMA fights, Nathan is asleep, I'm tired. It's 9PM. I think I'm going to go to bed now. Or at least go lay in bed and read.

Boy, this is definitely not one of my more interesting posts. It sort of reads like I feel.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Poor baby, Poor mommy and daddy!

After waking up at 2, 3, and 4 this morning, my goofy kid woke up at 7:30, bright eyed. until 8:30, at which point he began to wail. He's stuffed full from having a bottle at 2, 3, and 4 last night, and then another 3 ounces this morning at 8. I can't rock him, hold him, or walk with him enough to help him. He has tylenol in his system, no fever that I can tell, and no obvious teeth coming in. So, at 9:15, after he gave a huge yawn and eye rub, I laid him in his crib. He proceeded to cry for 20 minutes, then continued with a low grade whine for the next 15.

You'd think after that much crying he'd be tired of crying and just sleep. It rather amazes me that he still has a voice to cry with.

Poor MSJ, after being awake while nathan cried, he had to get up and go to work at 7AM. I don't know how he did it, because I'm going to go take a nap while nathan is sleeping!

Poor guy, I have no idea how to help him. Any ideas?

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Busy Days

I've been helping my dad clean out the house. It needed it before mom died, and it really needs it now. We've been doing this for probably 3 months now, I go up 1 day a week and we pick a room/project and do what we can to complete it. We're done with the upstairs. All of mom's clothes, all of her fabric and craft stuff, most of the old clothes in the other bedroom closet.

My brother has come over to try to help, but he get's so frustrated with dad. Dad wants to look at everything, pass his eye over it, and make sure he knows what he's throwing/giving away. And I'm a recycler, if I think someone else will use it I will make the effort to try to give it to someone else. My brother just wants to throw it ALL away. He and dad don't work well together on this project.

To be fair, my brother and dad don't work well together, at all. Under any circumstances. But that's another post.

Anyway, I went to dad's today. If my brother's family is coming over, I'll take nathan with me so they can visit with him. If they're not going to be there I usually try to find someone to watch him while I'm working. Last night I couldn't find a sitter, so MSJ volunteered to stay home with him. It was very helpful, so I agreed. When I got home MSJ said something to the effect of 'He's a really busy guy, you have to watch him the whole time. And he's fast, too! Not I know why sometimes you don't get anything done during the day!'

I just smiled and agreed. Yep, he's a busy little guy alright. That's why sometimes when I'm in the kitchen cooking I just put him in his exer-saucer-bouncy-thing and take him with me. He's good for 30 or so minutes, and I can get another 30 minutes if I keep giving him stuff to eat, puffs and yogurt drops and stuff like that. It's usually time for either a nap or dad to come home at that point, so most of the time it works out ok.

It was only about a month ago that he became mobile, and now he's pulling up on stuff. He can't stand yet, but he's trying very hard. Sometimes he'll get pulled up on something, he'll get distracted and then let go and try to walk. Then he falls, sometimes sideways, sometimes back, only once so far face first. He gets very upset when he falls, I don't think it hurts him, but it definitely scares him. It only scares me a little bit.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013


Started my period today. A bit sad. I wouldn't have known if we hadn't been trying.

I'm not sure that this actually counts as a pregnancy. I guess so, but it wasn't real for me yet, so it's a strange state of mind I'm in. Sad, but a bit hardened. I was sort of worried about this, so the fact that it happened isn't exactly unexpected, just unwanted. I think it's a little bit of detachment. It's not real until we hit 4 months. Then it can be real. Otherwise, I don't think my heart can continue to take it.

I only have a couple of more tries before I'm done. I've lost 2. I can't lose too many more.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Is it me, or am I getting old?

I went out tonight to celebrate with a friend her 30th birthday. We were quite close once, but over the last 2 years we've grown apart. It's not either of our fault, it's just life.

The party started at 8 at a bar. I knew I couldn't stay long, we have church in the morning, and I was informed that I would be having my picture taken tomorrow, so I don't want to look all hungover and sick, and Peanut and I missed church last week, he was up several times saturday night, no one really got any rest last saturday. So I told myself I'd leave around 10, 10:30.

So I left Peanut with MSJ, and went to the bar. No one, other than me, the birthday girl and the party planner, showed up until 8:30, and 2 or 3 didn't show up until a little after 9. In an effort to blend in I had a wine spritzer, light on the wine. At the first bar. At the second bar I had water. Then someone brought shots for the table. So we all had a shot. Well, I had a sip of my shot and then passed the rest onto the birthday girl.  I looked at my phone, it was 10:30, so I told one of my other friends, who looked shocked and amazed that I was leaving that early, went to birthday girl and gave her a hug and apologized that I had to leave so early, when it was quite clear that the party was just getting started, because as I left, there was another round of shots being brought to the table. I got the feeling that there would be some discussion after I left about the fact that I left. Birthday girl was totally ok with it, we hugged and said what we always say, that we need to get together more often. Which is true, but we've been saying that for more than a year now.

Part of me really wanted to stay and drink and act single and have a good time. Another part of me was glad it was 10:30 and I could go home. As I sit here writing this I'm at odds in my brain. I really WANTED to want to stay and be a party girl. But I began to realize that I missed my husband, I didn't get to kiss my son goodnight, and I had to be up in the morning (I'm sort of opposite of others right now. we're busy on weekends, but I can sleep in a little on Monday morning).

For the first time since I've been married, I realized that I did give up something to be a Pastor's Wife. I don't have the freedom to go out saturday night and get hammered, then skip church because I'm too hungover to walk right. It's true that by the time we were married I had pretty much given that up anyway, but I guess it was still an option then. I guess it still is an option, but it's not one my husband would be happy with. And not one I would be happy with. It's a nice idea, and it sounds like fun, but hangovers hurt a lot more than they used to, and the smoke makes my sinus's close up, and the loud music makes my head hurt. Damn, I sound old there.

As a side note, one of the guys I knew from the last job, and he was always nice enough, but tonight the only thing he said to me was something snide about my Pastor husband, which was not only rather uncalled for, but also pretty rude. And the fact that I felt the need to defend my husband and family to some d-bag didn't make me feel any more inclined to stay out late.

Normally I have good endings to my posts. I guess I'm out of practice, because I don't have any more thoughts on either of those topics.